Excuse me for whinging
...but I've been in a funk for several days, and I want to b*tch and moan about it.
Last week was a killer week at the symphony, when my past 4 1/2 years of not practicing really came home to roost. I was playing principal, and felt like I was skating on thin ice the whole time. The concerts went okay - just okay. I'm not used to playing like this, and I DON'T LIKE IT. Solution: start practicing. But I hate practicing. But if I don't practice, then I will continue to sound like hell. But I hate practicing, and I'm so off my game that it will take much more than modest amounts of practicing to get anywhere. And I want to sound better NOW. (Can't you feel the sh*t-fit coming on? I sure can.)
Okay, enough of that. I came off of last week with what appeared to be a mild sinus infection, so I had pretty low energy. I know that my v. sedentary lifestyle doesn't help any (using those muscles = more energy, eventually), but when you have no energy this becomes a vicious cycle. There is something else going on hormonally, because I'm having menopausal symptoms that are no fun, and I'm sure that's also messing with my head somewhat.
Then: the anniversary of doom is coming up - it will be one year since I broke up with the f$cking boyfriend on the 23rd. This time last year was absolutely impossible - actually, when I think about it, it was much worse than right now, emotionally. Nevertheless, I am v. aware of this anniversary, and very sad that I'm by myself, and even more sad that I cannot even imagine being in any kind of relationship right now. Just the idea makes me want to cross my arms across my chest, hug myself, and curl up into a ball on the sofa.
That, plus my
Personal Dark Moon time is coming up on the 14th, with my Personal New Moon on the 17th - optimally that's supposed to be a time when you retreat within to rest before the bursting forth of new energy after the P. New Moon.
Then that damned LDL news of yesterday. Add to that the whole "going off of SSRIs" and all the strengthening exercises I'm SUPPOSED TO BE DOING FOR MY OSTEOPENIA, and, well, my life feels like shit right now.
I never thought that I would be single, 50, in debt up to my eyeballs, having great struggles financially and emotionally, and dealing with the normal body decline that comes with aging. I never thought that I would be so disappointed in my life - what I haven't accomplished, and the damnedable ongoing struggle.
It's ironic, I finally have gotten over the fear that I'm going to die at any minute, and now I actually do have some serious conditions: osteopenia, hyperlipidema, which can shorten one's life, or seriously cause a deterioration in one's quality of life. (My fear came from the
Mitral Valve Prolapse diagnosis when I was, oh, 28? 30? I note that the above article does give the quote:
Doctors have reported cases of sudden cardiac death associated with MVP; however, such fatalities are extremely rare and are not necessarily related to the valve problem. When fatalities do occur, these sudden deaths appear to result from an arrhythmia. People with severe mitral regurgitation, or severe deformity of their mitral valve, are most susceptible to serious rhythm problems. That's the one that scared me to death for, oh, 20 years)
All this, just when I'd lost 10 pounds and had my BP come back to normal.
After all the above whinging, I started to think about being in the solution, rather than the problem. And when I thought about that, I started to release some Anger at my situation.
My dad called me this morning, and the first thing he said was "We're all gonna die. When it's your time, it's your time. Until then, do what you can to stay as healthy as possible." And, of course, he's right.
As I see it, I could make an either/or choice. I could continue the way I've been going - quite deconditioned, depressed, and eating whatever I like, or I could determine that I *will* make some much-needed changes. I feel overwhelmed that my physical health has taken such a hit just when I turned 50 - or I could say 'just when I finished school'.
If you know me, you know that I'm NOT. A. QUITTER. PERIOD. I do NOT quit, ever. My friend Jean has noticed that when I get mad, things go better. I think that's because if I'm into my anger, I'm not being a victim of the situation.
In that spirit, I've decided to start exercising 20 min 6/days/week, whether I feel like it or not. Usually the dog walk is longer than that, but I'm not really getting my heart pumping when I walk her. I've also decided to trend toward becoming an ovo/lacto/pesco vegetarian, starting by cutting out (sobbing!!!) beef. I love beef with a wild passion, but if that's what has been causing my difficulties, the OUT WITH IT. Cows have such pretty eyes, anyway.
I'm ALSO going to severely limit my computer time - that's probably a major reason why I've been so sedentary. Two days ago Firefox updated and I lost most of my bookmarks. Blessing in disguise? I think so. In the spirit of this last bit - I'm posting this, copying it to my journal software, and turning OFF the computer without playing freecell, spider solitaire, or sudoku.
Oh - I'm also going to cut out coffee (sobbing!!) because the caffeine pinging my adrenals is probably why I have so little energy.
Labels: cholesterol, daily life, death, diet, exercise, health, medication, mortality, osteoporosis, sad, SSRI, stress, woes, wonderful