Next??

As I sit here contemplating the disaster that is my apartment, I am considering what I want for myself and what is the first best thing that I can do to get there. I’ve gone through my books several times, and I’ve listed about 60 of them on half.com for sale - selling two already. I’ll leave them up through the end of Sept, then take the remainder to 1/2 price books to dispose of. I’m going to list my loom on craigslist all over the state and southwest later today - I’ll have about a $2500 loss on the blasted thing, but I’ve had it set up since Feb, and haven’t seen fit to put a warp on it in that time, so out it goes. I’ve gone through my back issues of Handwoven and Spinoff magazines, and have an eighteen-inch pile of them to list on eBay. I’m keeping some, because I’m still interested in dyeing, spinning, and weaving (I have a table loom for the latter)… but the majority will have to go.

I’m hoping that clearing out this stuff will help clarify my future. The hardest part currently is in deciding what to do with my many varieties of acupuncture books. While I still owe thousands of dollars in student loans, I’ve almost completely lost interest in pursuing that line of work. In fact, this brings to mind a study I read about in the NYTimes - how people tended to continue with things that they’d invested time/money in, rather than cutting their losses. Perhaps I’m in that place? Or is it that I’m simply in another headspace right now, and I don’t have the energy to put toward that line of work today? I don’t have an answer for that right now, just waiting for it to percolate out of my subconscious.

I’m still very interested in Reiki and Japanese acu, but not in herbalism. I have a small inventory of herbs that I either need to let go of, or start studying them again. And I don’t want to do that. I’m going to do a Reiki refresher the last weekend of the month; I’m really looking forward to that.

And I’m still interested in being a musician (though I’m not practicing!), probably in a different style than classical. I noticed that the St. Louis Symphony is having another piccolo audition (guess their recent hire didn’t work out), but there’s absolutely nothing that interests me there besides the salary. Guess what audition I’m not taking? ;)

I’m incredibly lonely this month, though I do have some friends that I could contact… I’m just not interested in them right now. I’m not dumping them, really… I just need something other than hanging out with depressing people. This weekend I went out to some venues by myself and was really disappointed in what I found. I’ll keep looking. I’m thinking that just going out on dates could be interesting, and I’m likely going to get back on match.com in a week or so. I’d be doing it for one reason alone: to just get some experience dating, nothing more. I don’t believe that I’ll find the love of my life there (though I suppose that’s possible…) but simply getting some experience dating could be fun… and make it easier if I actually DO meet someone that I’d like to get to know better.

Speaking of that, seeing how I just plugged my ex-husband into the ongoing fantasy that I have had about ‘the man’ who will love me like my father didn’t… well… I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to discern whether or not someone that I’m “in love” with is simply a daddy substitute, or the real thing. But I’m thinking that dating real men (rather than just the fantasy guys in my head) will help me grow up some here.

And then there’s the move to Oz. ::: grins ::: I have exactly four months from yesterday before I head back south again, and miles to go before I get there. I’m glad that it’s going to be so long before I go, because I have some time to figure out what I’m truly about before I either get a job there and move, or don’t. And I’m picturing me in some kind of 9-to-5 job that keeps me in cappuccinos and shelter, a job that I can just check at the storefront when I leave, so I have energy to establish myself as a creative force, rather than this continuous struggle to find that creative energy after the soul-sucking situation that my symphony job can be.

So what do I have energy for right now? Clearing out my life, mostly… some writing, some exercise, but not much else. So that’s what I’m doing: clearing out, exercising, writing.

Holy crap.

I just figured out why my marriage failed. See previous post.

A couple days ago I had a conversation with a friend, wherein I discovered one of the keys to my dysfunction. It’s a bit hard to get one’s mind around, but the upshot is that all my fantasizing has little to nothing to do with wanting an actual adult relationship. Rather, it’s all about trying to get my needs met from childhood and my emotionally absent father.

The key to understanding this was to realize that it really didn’t matter who the ‘guy’ was, I could (and have) plugged just about anyone into the fantasy of someone being everything to me. IOW - who he was didn’t matter. What mattered was that he was able to mirror to me how ‘special’ I am. And I think that I’m finally, at one month shy of 54, getting a handle on this. All along I’ve been looking for that unconditional love and acceptance from my Dad, and he doesn’t have it to give. While he approves of a lot of the stuff I’ve *done* in my life, he does not approve of who I am (nor does Mom, for that matter.) There is not support for me in my creativity, in the expression of my vitality - it’s mostly undermining commentary on how things could go wrong. They have a very fear-based way of thinking - it’s “if you do X, what will people think” rather than “to thine own self be true”.

I’ll never get what I need from them, nor from anyone else, for that matter. I’m going to give it to myself, because I don’t want to suffer any longer. It’s unacceptable to me to continue as I have been, that’s just continuing the abuse of my early years. For instance, as I write this I’m at my parents’ home, after deciding to stay here an extra night so I could be with them. So this evening my mother is depressed and completely unavailable (has been all day), my Dad, after a bit of a rant about the recent hoopla over the deficit ceiling, is now playing with his computer while whistling “How Great Thou Art”, and I’m sitting here in the living room with my dog and my laptop, writing something that I’ll post on my blog tomorrow when I get home. Does this sound like quality family time to you? No, nor to me. But it’s par for the course in the household where I grew up. Dad unavailable, Mom depressed and unavailable, and me… the only child, playing make-believe in order to stay sane.

Also in that seminal conversation, I got deeply in touch with the creative woman that I am, the writer, musician, acupuncturist, artist, performer, knitter. And getting in touch with that was quite healing for me. My plan is to nurture myself, to help myself get over this wounding by expressing myself, because I value who I am.

I’m seriously considering a move to Australia, and am going back in December when I’ll look for some kind of work. It’s been suggested to me that there are actually two things in play here: the first being what I’m going to do - how I’m going to express the creative being that I am, and second, where am I going to do that.

One way that I am moving forward with expressing who I am is by being unapologetically me. I’m no longer going to hide my esoteric, off the wall interests from anyone. I used to think that it was important to not seem too different from the norm so as not to put people off, particularly as a health care practitioner. That’s a family legacy, the “what will people think” meme. I’m out of the closet now; restricting myself in any way diminishes my ability to express myself in all other ways. Another part of this is by jettisoning baggage from the past, stuff that doesn’t serve me any longer. So when I return home tomorrow, I’ll be looking at everything there, asking “does this serve me”. And if not, it’s going to be ditched.

Yeah, the friend is me

I just posted the following on a tarot forum. More later on what's going on with me. Let's just say that it's all good!

Tarot reading for a friend: Should I move overseas, or stay here?
Spread: Should you or shouldn’t you, from Power Tarot by Trish MacGregor and Phyllis Vega.

Cards 1-3 What may happen if you do what you’re contemplating
Cards 4-6 What may happen if you maintain the status quo
Card 7 Outcome if you make the change
Card 8 Outcome if you don’t make a change
Card 9 Something you need to know before deciding

Deck: Light and Shadow Tarot
Most of these cards are very similar to the RWS, I’ll note significant differences below.
My friend is single, and is interested in a relationship, and a creative outlet. She feels stifled where she lives now.

Cards 1-3: 10/Cups, 5/Cups, 5/Pents
Cards 4-6: 9/Pents, XI: Strength, 2/Swords
Card 7: 4/Wands
Card 8: VII: Chariot
Card 9: Ace/Pents

Moving
Card 1: 10/Cups: Straightforward happiness. Getting what you’ve always wanted. Partnership and music (dancing people on card)
Card 2: 5/Cups: This card has the usual RWS: the bridge, the 2 standing cups/3 spilled. There is a stalk of what appears to be wheat with a huge butterfly that the sorrowing person appears to not notice.
Emotional loss. Homesickness. Needing to let go of the past and move on. The bridge to a new life, but must take the first steps toward same (reminding me of Rachel Pollack’s take on the RWS card with the bridge). New life, coming out of the shell.
Card 3: 5/Pents: Distressed people, looking down. Large inverted pentacle. Broken eggshell. Cityscape in the background. Brian Williams says “Worry, anxiety, apprehension.” There is the sense of worry in birthing something in the 5/Pents, re: Williams. The woman is pregnant, but the broken eggshell could be one of 2 things: broken in loss, or broken in the birth of what was inside.
Financial hardship. Difficulty making ends meet. Feeling lost among the crowds. Anxiety over what one is birthing creatively. I sense that this could be temporary, given Card 7

Status Quo
Card 4: 9/Pents: Young woman rejoicing in own garden. Bird is not hooded, is flying free. I t end to see this as the Wish Card in this deck, rather than the 9/cups.
Happiness and fulfillment, alone, not partnered.
Card 5: In this Strength card, the lion is a puma, and has a collar and a leash - the woman holding the leash is holding a cup with flames shooting out of it. Flowers bloom in her hair, mountains in the distance. She looks down at the cat, who is smiling.
Calm power. Inner strength and conviction. Being able to rein oneself in. Needing to leash one’s inner animal instinct.
Card 6: 2/Swords: Being unwilling to see the truth. Needing to fend off outer influences. Brian Williams mentions contemplation and inward peace, but I don’t see this card that way… though it could follow after Strength.
Card 7: 4/Wands: Unlike the RWS, there are no people in this card. The four wands are poised on a bridge, however… and with its reflection in the water it forms a perfect circle.
In my book, this is the marriage card. Completing a creative cycle, wholeness.
Card 8: This Chariot card is more Thoth-y than RWS-y.
Triumph, inner peace with outer change. opposing forces reconciled.
Card 9: Ace/Pents: In this card there are two sprouting seeds above the pentacle, and 5 sleeping men nestle between the points of the pentagram and the outer circle of the pentacle.
The seed of prosperity. The sprouting seed of newness - two choices, each with grand possibilities.

To me the Ace/Pents indicates that whatever this woman chooses, there is good energy behind her choice. The seeds of her creativity will sprout either way, it all depends on what she wants for herself.

Initially I see the Status Quo as being the more positive choice. With two Trumps (and those being the complementary Chariot and Strength) there is strong energy for her staying where she is, learning to be her own woman and balancing her own psyche. The 2/Swords is worrisome - the only sword in the spread, and indicating that she will be likely to refuse to see something that needs to be seen if she stays. That being said, Williams’ take on the card (inner balance, meditation, etc) fits in with the balancing act of the two trumps, but that is not the way I see this card, generally speaking.

The possible outcome of moving is intriguing - again, balancing of both positive and negative cards, with no Trumps. The two 5s warn of difficulty, and the 5/Pents is the most worrisome to me. I see the 5/Cups as homesickness and regret - she has a very conflicted relationship with her job, a true love/hate relationship, and I can see the regret being due to moving on from it. At this time she doesn’t have a job lined up in the new country, I’m wondering if she did, if the 5/Pents would go away. Incidentally, given her age, it’s not likely that she would become unexpectedly pregnant.

She was very happy to see the 10/Cups and 4/Wands, as she longs to be partnered… and the Status Quo cards have no indication that her single status would change anytime soon. That alone could be the deciding factor for her.

I’m interested in what you all see in this spread. Thanks so much for reading!

Sigh

Me and my issues.
So I learned that a certain Golden Boy™ in Sydney asked after our trip to the zoo (this a couple days after I'd returned home), and immediately went nuts. It triggered all my issues in a most unbecoming way.

My affirmation: I am grateful to Golden Boy™ for giving me this lesson. Bless his hairy head! (he has an amazing head of hair).

As my clairvoyant would say, he's a soulmate who is giving me the opportunity to work through this stuff. She would also say "I notice how exciting this is... I'd like more of that, please!" in asking for more fun in my life.

I'm going down that road right now. And the fantasies are an addiction (so says Da Guru™ and he's right), and I'm breathing through the discomfort. With the help of Jack Daniel's and chocolate.

One further note of progress: I am doing better with not feeling shame over this enthusiasm for someone so unavailable. I'm rather "meh". If someone more my age, in this hemisphere, and interesting showed up, I'd be so over GB™... though I'll still try to look him up when I return to Sydney next year.

I’ve been back from Sydney for 20 hours, and the changes are coming thick and fast. I feel that I was not living my own life before I went, and it was quite jarring when I arrived there, and was with my friends 24/7. Again, my friend Ken was a lifesaver; he’s the wisest person I know. Eventually I got back on my feet, perhaps for the first time since I was three.

I’ve had a strong sensation that there are changes that must happen in my life, but I had no idea what they needed to be or how to learn what they were. Then, on my last day in Sydney, I met Gayle’s friend Fiona - who is jumping off a cliff without a net. What an inspiration! I don’t want to discuss her stuff, but her situation resonated with me.

On the flight home I powered up my laptop and started working on the novel again, and I wrote over 4000 words during my transit. It was the most enjoyable thing I’ve done in a long time, and it’s something that I have energy for (even right now, when I’m struggling to stay awake due to jet lag and lack of sleep), more energy than I’ve had since March, when I was writing every day.

My conclusion? I’m a writer. (or wroitah, as they say Down Under). No, I’m an effing writer. (Better.) My writing here may not look like much because I’m so tired, and because I’ve not put a writer’s effort into my blogging over the years, but I’m telling you, this is it. Or rather, one of the things that is IT in my life.

Another thing that I learned is how much I want to be able to play music by ear, to improvise, to express myself in that manner. I took my flute along to Oz, and played it with Gayle and her friend Abby. It wasn’t for that long, or that successful, but it was FUN. More fun, please!

All this is fine and good, but I also am noticing that I feel different in my body. Not just that I’m tired, but rather that I feel more IN my body than I have in a long time. I also have a new appreciation of how unique I am, and how people could respond to me if I actually get out there and do the things that bring me joy. I find that people are relating to me as though these changes weren’t happening, which is annoying. Of course, they have no way of knowing what’s going on inside of me, especially since I don’t have the words to talk about this just yet.

I’ve been considering some major changes in myself, how I relate to the world. I feel very good about the changes I’ve made clothing and makeup style-wise, now for my hair. Last night I pulled it back and let it dry naturally, and you would not believe the curls! On my flight home I found myself even considering dreadlocks (!), though I don’t know if that’s somewhere I could stand to go.

Interestingly, I’m also considering a name change. This is something that I will be thinking about for quite a while, though if I do this, I would do it for my 55th birthday in Sept 2012. I’m batting around a couple of ideas, all will be reveled eventually. Today it feels like a very positive step, with sadness in letting go of my birth name… though it feels like something that is necessary for me in this transition.

A Quiet Sunday

The past two weeks have been pretty hairy - lots of symphony work, as our Principal took himself off the last two weeks and left me doing his job; and lots of acubiz, as well, not to mention needing to start my taxes (eeep!) - and I haven't done any writing at all. Last night I was sobbing on Skype with my best girlfriend, and today I went for my hour-long walk and took the laptop to Starbucks, where I am currently. I did some work on the book, but as I'm not really inspired I ended up taking all the episode headings and putting them into another file - I'm going to have a look at it when printed out, and figure out where to go from here. I was just writing what came to me, but now I think that I need to see what needs to be written, and perhaps what can be ditched. I'm glad to be back writing, even if I didn't manage many words today.

re: my last blogpost - I'm not sure that I'm in a better place right now, but at least I'm not thinking about Dr. T at all anymore. I think I've finally gotten IT, as to why I was continuing to think about him, and that he wasn't worth the energy. Not sure that I want to take the time to put the realizations into words right now. I'm rather low energy, and the music is too loud in here! sheesh. I can't think!

More later...

More DysFUNction

Ha! Just when I thought I was over it all... actually, I'm smiling, because the insights just keep coming... and I'm still happy.

No writing this week - I think that I need a break from it, especially as work with the symphony is eating my lunch right now. That's fine, it will even out in a day or two.

It's obvious to me that I'm not done with my relationship issues yet. I've been thinking about Dr. T ever since my last post, and alternatively mulling over why I'm doing so. Today I found myself remembering the tone of the emails that he sent me, and I realized that I was missing that kind of interest from a man. IOW, it's not him, it's the interest. Of course it's not him, I don't know the man! So there's a Younger part of me which craves that interest... and wow, does that make sense with my childhood. Everyone was absent and unable to be interested in me, interested enough to find out what I found interesting. Mom and Dad were rather boring people back then - he was all about work, and she was all about being depressed and trying to get from one moment to the next. So, of course, and through no fault of theirs, there was nothing for me. I just did what I was told and ended up believing that life was all about getting from one day to the next... rather than enjoying life.

So it isn't so much that I am waiting for Dr. T to come back into my life - it's a craving for someone with the interest in me that he showed... before he stopped showing it. And a part of me believes that if I don't get it from him, then I'm not going to get it. sheesh. As a very WISE friend said to me, "Don't make him so precious."

Wait, hang on, this isn't it, either. Because there are certainly many men that were interested in me. I can go on match.com right now and find many guys like that. So this isn't the whole thing. ::grumble:: I think I'm back at square one - it's quite rare for me to be interested in a man who actually returns that interest. It seems to happen to me about once a DECADE.

Anybody have a clue-by-four for me? I'd love to hear from you.

I'm not certain how to deal with these insights, though I'm sure that it has something with ME being interested in MY life, ME enjoying MY life... and being full enough to SHARE it with others. And I'm doing that, more and more, with my friends, and with myself.

My New Life

Ah yes, chakra cord cutting... that seems like ancient history by now. Thank heavens.
So, on January 23rd I had a reading with Sue Walliker, a clairvoyant in Sydney, who I heard from on the Mysterious Universe podcast. It was spot on in many ways, and yes, we talked about the infamous gent that I was referring to in previous blogposts. It seems that there is a possibility that Dr. T might come back into my life, but by now I'm pretty over that whole idea/situation. She predicts that there is someone coming into my life to be with me and beside me, and that by November I'll be in a relationship which will last for decades. We'll see!

A couple weeks ago I was still having some trouble with thinking about Dr. T, until I chatted with my good friend Jen, who lives in Sydney as well. Somehow in that conversation I connected with the realization that I had basically decided that it was time for me to meet someone and fall in love, and it wasn't happening on my time, so I was frustrated and unhappy in consequence. Given Sue's prediction that Dr. T might well come back into my life, perhaps you can understand that a Younger part of me was going crazy trying to figure out how that would happen. But realizing that I was trying to force meeting someone/falling in love into my own timeframe helped me realize that it just doesn't happen that way, and I might as well CHILL. So I am. I still have some troubles with that, but I'm better every day.

AND...

I'm writing a novel. Go figure, I have no idea how that happened, either. Jen sent me some pages of hers, and I thought, "What if I just riff on these fantasies I've been having?" and there you go. 70,000+ words later, I'm a writer. You cannot imagine what a shock this is to me. I've never even wanted to write, and now I have words just gushing out of me 4-5 days a week, before it dries up completely on the weekend. My main character started out as a riff on Dr. T - in the vaguest of terms - and has turned into someone completely different and fascinating.

I am incredibly happy now - the writing has freed up something in me that was all tied in knots before - and writing is the most fun I've had since I learned to play the flute. I'm amazed. I'm walking about 5 hours a week, losing weight, my friends say I'm looking younger and younger, what's not to like?

So on my walk just now I realized a thing or two, one being that I have not done the things I've wanted to do over the years, because I was too busy feeling terrible because I wasn't partnered in some fashion. And just now I realize one other thing: if Dr. T hadn't bailed on me in January, I wouldn't be the happy woman I am today, well on my way to crafting a fulfilling life on my own.

Dude, I owe you one, or two, or twenty. Thank you so much for leaving the building!

More on chakra cord cutting

I have been asked to elaborate on my chakra cord clearing exercise. I believe that it's important to be familiar with the characteristics and the colors etc. of the various chakras before attempting this exercise. One can probably find very good information on this simply by searching the web. That being said, this exercise works with the seven basic chakras of Vedic belief.

The following is a thumbnail sketch of my own understanding of the chakras. The first chakra is the so-called sacral chakra and it is associated with issues of survival and tribal beliefs. Its color is red. The second chakra is the sexual chakra, and it is located below the navel. Its color is orange and it has to do with sexual connection with others. The third chakra is known as the solar plexus chakra. Its color is yellow; it is located over the stomach, and has to do with issues with power, especially personal power. The fourth chakra is the heart chakra and its color is green or sometimes pink, depending on your source of information. It has to do with issues of love and connection - love of self, and love of others. The fifth chakra is the throat chakra and it is located at the throat. Its color is blue and it has to do with speaking your own truth, and generalized communication with others. The sixth chakra is the third eye chakra, and its color is indigo. It is located between the brows on the forehead, and it has to do with intuition and inner knowing. The seventh chakra is the crown chakra. Its color is white, and it has to do with connection with The All.

In this exercise you are removing any metaphysical or psychic connections that you may have with another human being, manifesting as light energy cords which connect your chakras to the chakras of the other individual. These cords exist whether we know about them or believe in them, whenever there is a strong connection between two people. In my experience this type of metaphysical connection can manifest as an inability to separate from another person, even when it is in one's own best interest to do so. I can imagine that, in the case of the marriage gone bad, or if someone finds themselves in the situation of being a battered spouse, would be situations where this exercise can help, once one has physically removed oneself from the other individual.

In my case, I had originally caused the psychic connection out of my own imagination, as I was attached to the idea of this individual being in my life. I have a particularly active imagination, and am able to visualize things whether in my mind, or see them projected into the reality around me. I trusted this ability to see me through as I performed this ritual.

That being said, there were times during this ritual (and in other rituals that I've done) where I felt that my imagination was either being led to see something that I had not planned, or that I simply was seeing something that did not come from my own imagination. For instance, I knew that I needed to see the man in question leaving my apartment. However, as he left in my imagination I did see him do things that I had not planned for him to do. I also knew that I needed to simply survey the chakras at the start of the ritual to see what they looked like as I looked from one to the other. It simply came into my mind that certain ones would be thicker or stronger or more dense than others, and I'm not sure if that came from my own imagination, or from some sort of inner sight. Originally, I thought that I could simply unravel the cords, but that did not give me the results and I hoped for, and I had to use a dagger. I simply used two fingers to visualize the dagger as I tried to cut them. At one point the dagger was not enough, and I ended up pounding the cord with a mallet, or perhaps it was a cleaver.

In any case, I feel that having an emotional experience while doing this ritual is essential to its successful completion. I did not try to force any feelings on what I was doing, but the feelings arose naturally as I went through the ritual.

I should clarify, when I visualized the gentleman in question sitting on the pillow opposite me, I did not actually see him visually. I was able to simply visualize him in my mind, as though he was sitting there. My visualization included what he was wearing, how his hair was combed, the expression on his face, the positioning of his arms and legs, et cetera. In other words, I saw him as clearly and in as much detail as possible, as though he was actually sitting there. I also made a point to invite him to participate in this ritual, as I was starting the ritual. While do not believe that he would have necessarily been able to refuse (given that it was my own visualization) I still felt that it was important to invite him to participate, to get his consent. I did do some preparation for this ritual. I quieted my mind, I played my Tibetan singing bowl, and did some other ritualistic kind of things to bring my mind to a point of focus. I also made a point to make sure that I was not going to be interrupted during this time.

I don't know if this answers all of your questions, but feel free to ask more if it doesn't in the comments. Thanks so much for asking.

Sad and quiet

I'm getting to the point of letting go of the whole Dr. T thing, and today I'm pretty much resigned to the idea that he's found someone else and isn't going to be coming around again. I know that he didn't want to go to regular email until he meets you in person, and it's been five days since he's logged in to match, after being on there every single day. Now you can see why match is not for me - I don't need this kind of info. That being said, I've asked the Universe for some kind of sign in 48 hours (till 4pm on Thurs), so we'll see what happens.

This evening I'm sad and quiet - depressed, even. I think that's understandable, after all the emotional highs and lows of the past month. And I know that working through my issues is not optional at this point. I simply cannot go through this kind of rollercoaster again.

Last night I worked with the affirmation: "Love comes to me, simply because I am available," and had 3 new men contact me on match. Whatever. It's kind of like Goldilocks and the Three Bears: one is too BIG, one is too short, and the other one is... weird.
Hmmm, that can't be correct, the third one is supposed to be just right. I did find it interesting that all this happened after working with the affirmations.

Okay, enough sitting around feeling bad. Writing this has reminded me that I have a choice - I can sit around feeling blue, or I can write affirmations (and feed the dog, get dinner, practice, etc). Guess what I'm going to choose?

Cutting the Chakra Cords

Whoa. I mean, powerful.

I just did my "cutting the chakra cords" ritual with Dr. T, and it was amazing. I am a strong visualizer, and this was heavy for me.

I set out two floor pillows, one for each of us to sit on. I invited him to participate, sitting opposite me. I told him what I was going to do - I took credit for most of the cords that bound us, chakra to chakra - and explained to him that I was doing this because I wanted him to be free, and I wanted to be free. I could tell that he understood, he was calm and unemotional, sitting crosslegged, quietly.

I started by just observing what the binding looked like from chakra to chakra. The first, sacral chakra is red, and there was one inch-thick dark red cord there. The sexual chakra is orange, and the cords there were a mess - about 4 1/2 inches in diameter and very active. The solar plexus is yellow, and the connection there was slight.

When I observed the green heart chakra I started to cry. It was almost as thick as the second, mostly green but with some sweet pink strands. The throat chakra is blue, and while the connection there was significant, it was much more tenuous - almost like the cord was a blue light.

The third eye chakra was indigo and definitely a cord of indigo light, and it was quite intense. Our crown chakras were connected by strands of white light.

I started unraveling the cords beginning at the top, and found that I needed a virtual dagger to completely sever the cord. As I progressed slowly down the chakras I became more and more emotional - I could literally feel an openness as the cords were cut. Cutting through the cords of the heart chakra was a very sad experience, and at that point I looked back at the previous 3 to see if I'd missed anything, and I had. Even as I cut the heart chakra cords I could see small green and pink light cords snaking out from him to me - I cut each one.

The sexual chakra was like cutting a tree root. In fact, I wonder if I actually did completely sever it! It was massive and dense compared to the light-like cords above it. And the red root chakra cord was the densest of all - and also really hard to cut. I had to exchange the dagger for a hatchet on that one.

I found my scissors and had to snip some small cords that had re-formed in most of the earlier chakras - and the orange sexual chakra cord had almost completely re-formed. I ended up pounding the damned thing into oblivion, and hurt my right hand in the process. Karate chopping the carpet isn't recommended if you're a musician with a huge concert to play on Weds!

I was in tears off and on during this process, saying a few words to Dr. T from time to time. I was startled at how "clean" I felt as I finished up - as though I'd gotten myself back somehow.

I ended by telling him that if he wanted to call we could start over, but felt that he was not going to do that, I pranamed to him, saying "namaste", and as I bowed to him he stood up, walked down the stairs, opened the door and left. I saw him pull up the collar of his jacket against the cold wind, and heard him descending the stairs.

I got up and worked with the qi of the area to make sure that he was gone. I went into the kitchen and took the dishes out of the dishwasher.

Before the ritual I had been feeling really sad about him not contacting me - yes, that's how I was still feeling - now not so much. I still hope that he will call eventually, but don't really hold out much hope. In my visualization he didn't seem particularly interested... but that's just my visualization.

If the man is at all sensitive to energy, I'm sure he will have felt this. It was powerful, as I said. Given how dedicated he is to the life of the mind, I imagine that he's not very sensitive, but you never know. After all, he was attracted to me (and I'm still one of his favorites on match - though you can have *55* favorites there! LOL)

Mind. Blown.

In early December 2010 I had a session with Da Guru™ where we talked about what needed to change in me to attract the love that I need and want. Last night I finally got around to listening to the mp3, but only after having my ass kicked once again in the love department. That’s actually overstating the situation, but from the Younger SolSionnachs’ points of view, that’s what happened.

My mind was blown by several points D.G. made, but one in particular stands out for me today: that when two people have any kind of connection, there exists a “contract” of sorts between them. In some ways I’m reminded of the New Agers’ simplistic take on Quantum Physics’ non-location theory, but I think D.G. is coming from more of a Vedic perspective - underneath it all, we are ALL ONE. But I digress…

In a nutshell, his point is that “all people, in their LOVE for us, give us the experiences that we expect”. In my case, I expected two things of “Dr. T” - that I would not have the chance to meet him (we met online), and that he would abandon me. (I expect abandonment in relationships with men.) Both things have happened, and as D.G. would say - “in Dr. T’s love for me, he gave me the experience of abandonment that I expected from him”. There is also a corollary - I gave Dr. T something that he expected, but I’m not going to speculate on that, because it’s none of my business.

This is true of every relationship we have - there always is a contract - and if that’s the case, then THERE IS NO BLAME! Dr. T gave me the experience I expected of him - he bailed - so how can I possibly be upset with him? And he did it out of love for me (love in the metaphysical sense, not the emotional or spiritual or god forbid physical sense).

AND, if that is true, then each and every one of us have the complete power to CHANGE OUR EXPERIENCE with people. All we have to do is uncover and change our underlying belief systems… or simply work with affirmations until they become our new belief systems. Now that’s good news! I no longer have to be held hostage to failed ways of relating to men!

One other point. A group of us have been talking about guilt and shame - defining guilt as an emotion that tells you that you’ve violated your or society’s standards, and shame as taking on guilt from another person. I started the conversation by saying that every time I went online and saw that Dr T had been there, and hadn’t contacted me, I felt shame because I was interested in someone who wasn’t interested in me. Given the above definition of shame, my question was “whose guilt am I taking on?”

My friend G thinks that it’s the guilt of family sexual secrets - and that could be part of the case. However, I feel quite strongly that a large part of it is Dr. T’s guilt for not doing as he said he would and calling me when he returned from Christmas vacation. In other words, I feel shame because of his violation of society’s norms of behavior, which impacts our budding relationship - in fact, it ends it. And yes, I acknowledge that society’s norms of polite behavior have been diluted over the years. I believe that my point still stands. And if I can lovingly give his guilt back to him, where it belongs, then I don’t have to feel that shame. I can see that he hasn’t contacted me and know that any emotional charge around that has absolutely nothing to do with me or anything that I’ve done wrong. I just took him at his word - which it turns out wasn’t worth the pixels it was written on.

So the steps are 1) identify that the emotion one is feeling is shame, 2) determine whose guilt one has taken on as shame, and 3) gently give that person back their guilt, and walk away, FREE.

The Joke is on ME

Yep, the joke is on me. The past 2 weeks have been god-awful, painful, and not worth repeating here. But yes, the Joke is on ME, I'm an effing fool, it appears.

Nothing to see here. Time to just move on.

Winter Solstice, 2010

THE ONLY WAY I COULD GET THE LOVE I NEEDED, IN THE WAY I WANTED IT, WAS TO IMAGINE IT.
This was my first lesson, as a child. When what I imagined didn’t come true, I would feel great shame that there was something wrong with me - other people seemed to get what they wanted, why not ME? There must be something wrong with me, some deep dark shameful secret, that was obvious to everyone but me. And yet I persevered. I tried - no, how I worked! - to get love in the only way I knew how. And in the process I alienated myself more and more from my true self, which is totally deserving of love. I have literally lost YEARS of my life in fantasy, as it was the only way I felt I could get what I wanted. And I’ve lost YEARS in awful relationships as well, because I felt that a bad relationship was better than none at all.

At all times I’ve done the best I could… and today I give myself the gift of experiencing a different way. A wholehearted way, the way of vulnerability with another human being.

For whatever reason, today I am truly open and grounded in my own life. I fully expect that I will be sharing it with someone special in the coming year - living a Dance of Intimacy - and until that time I will be giving MYSELF that nurturing that I so long to give to another. And I will LOVE myself for it, and will not allow myself to be hooked into something that is simply adequate. Today I vow to myself that I will Love, Honor, and Cherish myself from this day forward. There are many self-defeating behaviors that I have indulged in, which I now turn away from, and many self-care behaviors that I have not practiced, which I now embrace.

I look forward with excitement to stretching my wings! It is time to fly!