Lipid update

After my stunning score of 196 on my LDL last month, I had a followup with my cardiologist. We did a heart scan (my perfect zero score made us both happy), and he ordered a Berkeley panel, which breaks down one's HDL and LDL by their particle components. In both HDL and LDL size matters - the smaller particles are much, much worse. That's why someone can have seemingly perfect cholesterol numbers, and have a heart attack the next day. The simple total HDL and LDL numbers don't tell the whole story. Given my very high LDL (and good score: 66, on HDL) he was curious about my particle size breakdown.

The lab results came in Friday, and I finally got in to see him today - you have to have an office visit because the report is so complicated.

The upshot of my report is that my LDL is mostly the good, big particles, with a very low number of the smaller, denser, dangerous ones. My HDL, unfortunately, is not dominated by the largest size particles, so the good high number isn't as good as it looks. :\ Given the above, we're upping my Niacin to 1000mg/day, and adding 10mg Lipitor - and I upped my fish oil and will be adding a small glass of wine nightly. This page has some good tips for raising HDL - I'm also going to make exercising daily a priority.

Another problematical finding was elevated levels of lipoprotein(a). After reading that linked page, I note that my Lp(a) was below the 65.5 level that they found to be significant, but well above the 30 level that the Berkeley lab uses as the baseline. huh. Interesting!

It's been a while

...since I've posted here. I'm just now realizing that I stopped posting shortly after the 1 year anniversary of breaking up with the ex-SO, and I haven't had my feet on the ground very well ever since then. I didn't think that it was particularly about him, but then last night I dreamed about him, and though I'm not back at square one, it was a bit of a setback.

I'm choosing to not go into the dream, because I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that it ended up that we were going to get back together, but then he said that he was so busy that he would get back to me in a month, and I said, "I'm outta here, no way that's acceptable, hasta la vista baybee!" I laughed when I woke up, but later in the day I felt quite sad. I even thought about emailing him this afternoon, but in the shower I started to remember the bad times - how he was sending me perfectly awful emails when I needed him to be there for me ("princess-like behavior" indeed!!), and he couldn't pick up the damned phone for 5 weeks to call me when I threw in the towel. That was a bit of a reality check, and even though I'm still sad, I don't think that I'm going to email him. At least, I hope not. I don't think it would be helpful. Not to mention that his birthday is coming up on the 22nd (another damned anniversary!), and this year I am NOT going to send him another email for him to ignore.

Blackjack

Here's a meme I've stolen from Keera:
1. What was the last blog you left a comment on?
Keera's
2. Favorite black and white movie?
Casablanca? I don't really watch movies, that's the only one I could think of.
3. What’s in your freezer right now?
Frozen hamburger patties and salisbury steaks (pre-cooked, just need to microwave) packages of frozen veggies and frozen fruit, ice cubes.
4. How many pillows do you have on your bed?
Three. Two regular and one pillow sham for decorative purposes. Which would make more sense if I actually made up my bed from time to time.
5. Do you regularly share your bed with anyone?
Yes - the dog. :)
6. Do you sleep in pajamas, undies, nude, or other?
I'm just like, Keera, in that I wear a T-shirt to bed. No underwear, though. I think that is one reason why I don't get yeast infections very often.
7. If you won $50,000, what would you do with it?
Pay down my student loans, and go on vacation.
8. Something nice you did for someone today?
I've only been up for 1 hour, so the nice thing I did would be the oatmeal with almonds, cranberries, and black sesame seeds that I had for breakfast (black sesame is very good for aging symptoms)
9. Something bad you did to someone today?
The first think I've done (after breakfast) is getting online. :P
10. Hardest class you took in school?
Herbal Internal Medicine.
11. Ever been in a car accident?
Yes - fender-benders, not the smash-up-and-call-EMS type.
12. What is one food you won’t eat?
I haven't eaten turnips in YEARS, which makes me think that I should try them again, because I might like them by now.
13. Why?
I didn't like the taste
14. Would you ever eat dog meat?
No.
15. What is something as a child you wanted to grow up to become, but didn’t?
Actress.
16. Name one place in the US you haven’t seen but want to?
Maine
17. Name one place outside the US?
Just one? Bali, New Zealand, Australia
18. Favorite smells?
Roast turkey and dressing, jasmine, tea tree oil
19. If you could pick any game show to compete on, which would it be?
None of them. I don't like game shows.
20. Where did you go on your last real vacation and who did you go with?
I went by myself to visit my parents who were house-sitting a condo in Colorado.
21. Your best birthday was for which age?
I particularly enjoyed the last one, when I turned 50. I met about 8 good friends at a great Mexican restaurant, and we had a terrific time.

Tag: Beep and Alice

Much better...

I've got my feet back on the ground again - actually, I've been better since around Sunday the 20th - having some time off is blissful, if not particularly financially productive.

I had an extra job the past 2 days, and last night a handful of us went out after the concert and had a great time closing down a Chili's. It was past midnight when I got home, and I slept in until 11 am. This is my weekend, already.

Yesterday was the anniversary of breaking up with the ex-boyfriend, and the day passed uneventfully. The other day I saw a recent pic of him on Facecrack, and he looks pretty terrible. I can tell that he's lost a lot of weight (he needed to!), and his face looks drawn. I'm glad that I lost my weight gradually, and (being 16 years younger than him) that my face still has the elasticity to recover from the weight loss without looking drawn. When I started with Wellbutrin in January I had to work to keep my weight from coming off too quickly for just that reason.

I hope that he is doing well. I know that he has a huge tour coming up, including a stop in Texas. I was very conflicted when I saw that he was going to be nearby - part of me wanted to go see him, the other part thought "what in heaven's name would I say to him?". Indeed. At this point there really isn't anything to say to him, beyond "how are you, so glad you're well, how's business". I would love to have a more in-depth conversation with him, about how he's doing emotionally, etc, but that's really none of my business, and my feelings are none of his. That still seems so odd, after how seemingly close we were. Oh well.

While I have several concerns re: the biz, I'm going to take a couple of days off for myself without giving it too much thought. My parents have moved back to TX from CO, and I hope to go visit them on Sunday - if they are ready for the company. I have a total of 5 days off now, and I think that having today and tomorrow for some relaxation and perhaps shopping will do me good. Oh, and exercising w/the K9) :grin:

I'm also interested in doing some cheap decorating - if nothing else, packing away some stuff to put in storage, so the place is less cluttered. I have a vision of my bedroom that's coral with turquoise accents, rather than the current emphasis on purple and sage. It's looking dated, and I'm ready for something different. I feel that I need some dashes of color around the house, and right now I'm thinking TROPICAL for the summer. I'm also wondering what could be done with my bookcases to make them less... ummm... bookcase-like. While it's fun to look at people's book collections to see where they're at, I'm not enamored with looking at them so much right now. While I do consult my bookcases frequently, perhaps there's a way to cover them up or make them into a decorating plus, rather than just... a bookcase.

Must cogitate.

Zero interest

I have zero interest in anything today. It's a beautiful day outside and I'm overdue for a walk, but I'm here with the dog in my lap, practically in tears.

:sigh:

I have managed to get 3 things done today: breakfast, lunch, and readying a package to drop off in the mail on my way to work tonight. I'm either going to give up and lay down and take a nap, or I'm going to walk the dog and clean the bathroom and kitchen. I think the latter would be a better course of action, but I'm leaning towards the former. My head is really muddled and I feel a bit dizzy as well. I'm also aware that I'm barely breathing. (that walk would fix that!)

I'm not sure if this is depression, exhaustion, or because of the upcoming one-year anniversary of The Breakup. Yes, it is a milestone, and a couple of days ago I remembered how good the ex-boyfriend was for me when I was feeling just like this - he was great to talk to, really there for me a lot of the time.

Except, of course, when I needed him to be, last year in March. Oh, no - not just then, really he wasn't there for me much of the time. I guess I'm melancholic remembering the times that he actually was there for me. Those times were good, but not enough to sustain the relationship any longer. I can't imagine what the past year would've been like if I'd still been trying to keep the relationship afloat, along with all the other stuff I had to do.

Enough of the whining. I know what I need to do to feel better... and it includes shutting off the computer and moving the body.

ETA: I did walk the dog, clean the bathroom, somewhat clean the kitchen, shower, feed the dog and now I'm getting supper, all before my concert tonight.
Yes, the walk did me GOOD. Yes, I'm pining for the ex-bf, trying to talk myself out of emailing him.

Unhappy grrrl.

Well, that would be me. Ms. B is just fine, TYVM.
I'm not sure what's going on with me, but I'm menopausal as hell these days - pissed off, weepy, exHAUSTed, and did I mention pissed off? Oh, and off my feed, and did I mention pissed off? As in, curl up on the sofa and stay there all day, Except That I Need To Go Play A Dratted Concert To Make Some Money Yes I'm Grateful For The Job But Hell, I Feel Like Chewing Up Someone And Spitting Them Out.

::le sigh::

On another front, I went and article linked from dooce.com, and was ASTOUNDED to read that some wonk at technorati guesstimates that she pulls in $40,000 A MONTH from her weblog. Wow. I would love to pull in $400/year for blogging, much less the above.

On yet another front, I did some web shopping, and bought a couple of books on acupuncture and essential oils (found here... the 12 spirit points book and the aromatherapy with chinese medicine ones) that look v. good, as well as a heat lamp + other assorted supplies from LhasaOMS, my fav acu supplier. The other day I was startled as hell to read that you can buy acupuncture needles from Amazon (!). Scary. They have no way of knowing who they are selling to, and their credentials.

I have to leave for said concert in about an hour, and am nowhere near ready, not to mention the dog isn't fed.

Cardiologist visit, and neat trick

First, the neat trick.
I just realized that the googlebar at the top of my blog has a link that says "new post" - and if you click it, you bypass that damned blogger dashboard! D'OH! Who says that you can't teach an old dog new trix?

The first thing I did was drop off a baby bird at my vet, since the wildlife rescue people pick animals up from them. I'd almost stepped on the little cold thing this morning while walking the dog (it was in the high 40s this morning), and it was sluggish and v. easy to catch. Then I went by my MD to pick up my last two blood cholesterol records to show to the cardio - and what I saw was a puzzle.

Here are my changes between Oct and Mar:
Total chol: 231.... 277 (OMG)
HDL chol: 52... 68.8 (yessss!)
Triglycerides: 114... 77!!!! (that's amazingly low, with normal listed as 130-150. It's still a very good thing)
calculated LDL: 156.... 192.8!!!(Y.I.K.E.S.)

In retrospect, I think that starting on fish oil and Vit. D (1000-2000/day) is what caused the good changes in my HDL and Tri (I started those after reading the HeartScan blog linked below) The LDL could be a lab error, and since LDL is *calculated* rather than measured with this kind of test, it could be much lower (OR higher, for those of you who brag about your low LDL!).

Re: cardio visit.
1) He wasn't really that concerned about my numbers and thinks that I'm going to live a very long time...but since he knows I'm a stress-monkey, he decided to order
2) a heart scan and
3) an advanced lipid profile.

I've already had the heart scan - it was simple: lie on this thingy and hold your breath when we tell you to. The only problem with it is the radiation and breast cancer, but I'll take my chances to know what my heart score is. The tech was so focused and caring that he came off as smarmy and cloying, but that's okay. I guess he's used to dealing with scared little old ladies or stressed-out middle aged men. Heart scans are scored in positive numbers, the higher the number, the greater the risk.

My score?

ZERO.

I quote from the first link above: It confirmed that people with a zero heart scan score had a nearly zero risk of cardiovascular events...

Whew.

Now, the heart scan can only detect calcified plaque - hard and combined hard and soft plaque. Soft plaque can't be detected this way. And with that insane LDL... it could still be a problem - but not near-term. So I'll have the lipid panel done later this week, to see what kind of LDL I have, and whether I have lip(a).

Heart scans aren't covered by insurance, but at $75 they're a bargain for you to really know where you stand, heart-wise. I'm SO glad that I did that this morning - while my arteries may not be clean as a whistle, they are clean enough that my cleaning up my act will have a v. positive effect on my health.

I'll go do the blood draw for the lipid panel later this week - or maybe even tomorrow. I did hear back from the shrink today, and she had no experience, with Wellbutrin being associated with increased cholesterol, either with patients or in the literature. Nice to know that the drug isn't the cause of my problem (especially since I feel so good on it).

Onward with health testing adventures...

New Data

After forwarding my previous post to a cadre of friends (you know who you are!), I realized that moving toward a low-fat, high-carb, low-protein diet was likely not the way to go. I did some researching on PubMed, and found some evidence to the effect that low-carb was much better for high LDL than high-carb. I haven't felt too bad since I started eating more carbs yesterday, but I'm going to cut way back on the wheat (even whole wheat), and at the same time go for low-fat (rather than any old fat).

I realized what happened since I switched to Wellbutrin - in attempting to moderate the weight loss (which has evened out now that I'm on only 75 mg/day) I upped my carbs drastically. As I remember now, it was a pretty difficult time, with no appetite anyway, so bread with butter was my - heh - bread and butter. I'm going to go with good fats (less butter) and less beef (sobbing!!), but not upping my grains, rather upping my fruits and veggies.

On another subject, I'm realizing that it's time to do some goal setting. For the last eight months I've basically been scrambling to simply keep up with my life - getting healthier (LDL be DAMNED!), more psychologically balanced, starting the biz - but now I'm realizing that I don't know my game plan, I have no goals. After I send off my tax return (refund CITY!)I'll be looking at where I want to be in several areas of my life: physically, financially, emotionally, relationship-wise, biz-wise, symphony-wise, home-wise - you get the picture. Careening from crisis to crisis doesn't cut it - that's not a life-style, that's a disaster!

IOW, it's time for the Moon-Uranus opposition to grow up. :)

Excuse me for whinging

...but I've been in a funk for several days, and I want to b*tch and moan about it.
Last week was a killer week at the symphony, when my past 4 1/2 years of not practicing really came home to roost. I was playing principal, and felt like I was skating on thin ice the whole time. The concerts went okay - just okay. I'm not used to playing like this, and I DON'T LIKE IT. Solution: start practicing. But I hate practicing. But if I don't practice, then I will continue to sound like hell. But I hate practicing, and I'm so off my game that it will take much more than modest amounts of practicing to get anywhere. And I want to sound better NOW. (Can't you feel the sh*t-fit coming on? I sure can.)

Okay, enough of that. I came off of last week with what appeared to be a mild sinus infection, so I had pretty low energy. I know that my v. sedentary lifestyle doesn't help any (using those muscles = more energy, eventually), but when you have no energy this becomes a vicious cycle. There is something else going on hormonally, because I'm having menopausal symptoms that are no fun, and I'm sure that's also messing with my head somewhat.

Then: the anniversary of doom is coming up - it will be one year since I broke up with the f$cking boyfriend on the 23rd. This time last year was absolutely impossible - actually, when I think about it, it was much worse than right now, emotionally. Nevertheless, I am v. aware of this anniversary, and very sad that I'm by myself, and even more sad that I cannot even imagine being in any kind of relationship right now. Just the idea makes me want to cross my arms across my chest, hug myself, and curl up into a ball on the sofa.

That, plus my Personal Dark Moon time is coming up on the 14th, with my Personal New Moon on the 17th - optimally that's supposed to be a time when you retreat within to rest before the bursting forth of new energy after the P. New Moon.

Then that damned LDL news of yesterday. Add to that the whole "going off of SSRIs" and all the strengthening exercises I'm SUPPOSED TO BE DOING FOR MY OSTEOPENIA, and, well, my life feels like shit right now.

I never thought that I would be single, 50, in debt up to my eyeballs, having great struggles financially and emotionally, and dealing with the normal body decline that comes with aging. I never thought that I would be so disappointed in my life - what I haven't accomplished, and the damnedable ongoing struggle.

It's ironic, I finally have gotten over the fear that I'm going to die at any minute, and now I actually do have some serious conditions: osteopenia, hyperlipidema, which can shorten one's life, or seriously cause a deterioration in one's quality of life. (My fear came from the Mitral Valve Prolapse diagnosis when I was, oh, 28? 30? I note that the above article does give the quote:Doctors have reported cases of sudden cardiac death associated with MVP; however, such fatalities are extremely rare and are not necessarily related to the valve problem. When fatalities do occur, these sudden deaths appear to result from an arrhythmia. People with severe mitral regurgitation, or severe deformity of their mitral valve, are most susceptible to serious rhythm problems. That's the one that scared me to death for, oh, 20 years)

All this, just when I'd lost 10 pounds and had my BP come back to normal.

After all the above whinging, I started to think about being in the solution, rather than the problem. And when I thought about that, I started to release some Anger at my situation.

My dad called me this morning, and the first thing he said was "We're all gonna die. When it's your time, it's your time. Until then, do what you can to stay as healthy as possible." And, of course, he's right.

As I see it, I could make an either/or choice. I could continue the way I've been going - quite deconditioned, depressed, and eating whatever I like, or I could determine that I *will* make some much-needed changes. I feel overwhelmed that my physical health has taken such a hit just when I turned 50 - or I could say 'just when I finished school'.

If you know me, you know that I'm NOT. A. QUITTER. PERIOD. I do NOT quit, ever. My friend Jean has noticed that when I get mad, things go better. I think that's because if I'm into my anger, I'm not being a victim of the situation.

In that spirit, I've decided to start exercising 20 min 6/days/week, whether I feel like it or not. Usually the dog walk is longer than that, but I'm not really getting my heart pumping when I walk her. I've also decided to trend toward becoming an ovo/lacto/pesco vegetarian, starting by cutting out (sobbing!!!) beef. I love beef with a wild passion, but if that's what has been causing my difficulties, the OUT WITH IT. Cows have such pretty eyes, anyway.

I'm ALSO going to severely limit my computer time - that's probably a major reason why I've been so sedentary. Two days ago Firefox updated and I lost most of my bookmarks. Blessing in disguise? I think so. In the spirit of this last bit - I'm posting this, copying it to my journal software, and turning OFF the computer without playing freecell, spider solitaire, or sudoku.

Oh - I'm also going to cut out coffee (sobbing!!) because the caffeine pinging my adrenals is probably why I have so little energy.

Oh F$ck

Just when I thought that I was getting a handle on my health, I get the news that my cholesterol is suddenly sky-high (it was just high before), and my LDL is the the OHMYF$CKINGGAWD range.

WTH?

Okay, so I haven't been exercising like I should - but that's been the same for 4 years now. I haven't been eating particularly well - but that's been the same for 4 years now. OTOH, I have lost 10 pounds, and my BP is down to well within normal range, and I feel a heck of a lot better emotionally.

The only things that are different: multivitamins, calcium supplement, fish oil supplement, vitamin D supplement (the last 2 are supposed to HELP cholesterol) - and Wellbutrin.

Guess what I'm giving the hairy eyeball to? No, not the multivitamins.

So I put a call in to the psych to ask here if she's *ever* heard of this. On Monday I'll put in a call to the MD, to say "WTF? Could this be a huge mistake? Perhaps we should re-test?"

He called in a script for Niaspan, and I found this page which scares me half to death. Oh, and Niaspan costs $40 *with* the copay.

More later, time to go to work.

Speechless.

I found this video at CuteOverload, and just had to share. It's really quite witty!

Much better today

Nothing like an old-fashioned awfulizing session to get one's attention, eh? Yes, yesterday sucked, but today is better (think: coffee and donuts for breakfast - wheeeee!)

This morning I noticed that Slade had a new post up (HIGHLY recommended), and I sent him the below comment privately.

Hi Slade,
I didn't want to post a "yeah, me too!" comment to your "shaking the hell right out of it" post, but - yeah, absolutely.

Interestingly enough, in my email circle of friends we are talking about this very thing (and the movie Zeitgeist, which is a better made Esoteric Agenda). I've sent my circle a link to this post, and I'm sure that it will provoke even more discussion.

Thanks for your work, and the backstory to this blog. As for me, I did the outrage thing from 2000-2007 (dailykos, talkingpointsmemo, dependable renegade, iblamethepatriarchy, etc), and now as I'm beginning my acupuncture practice, I feel that I simply cannot continue that kind of reading.

Indeed, I've done the moral outrage thing over and over - there is so much to be outraged about! - but frankly it does nothing to change anything, save pinging my cortisol levels and deep-sixing my adrenals. (same with the sugar/caffeine breakfast, but I digress...).

I'm looking for my own solution to the problems evidenced in our culture. Even though the "hundredth monkey" effect does not exist per se, I am a firm believer in our ability to change our reality by changing our thoughts, as well as the ability to effect others' reality by positive expectations of them, as well as being a positive example for them. We are delicate creatures, and we are powerful beyond belief. That is a juicy paradox, IMO.

Have you ever done something so unbelievably STUPID that you cannot begin to forgive yourself for it?

I did something like that today. No, I'm not going to write about it here, because I would DIE of embarrassment. Let's just say that right now I have zero self-confidence, and wish the earth would open up so I could just disappear. This is one for PostSecret.

It's likely that I will feel horrible until I have a chance to apologize. I hate knowing that someone thinks that I'm a bad person because I did something really dumb.

:\

DISGUSTING.

I cannot believe how awful some people are to their poodles. They are all hideous, but poor #3 has to have his head held up for him - and #1, 3, and 4 have their tails tucked, they are not happy. And mercy, look at the breasts on groomer #4. M.E.R.C.Y.

Believe me, poodles *know* how good they look after they've been groomed. They prance around, because the results are so nice (besides, the ordeal is OVAH!).

These poor dogs look severely depressed, it's no wonder. Those women need to GET. A. LIFE. and stop taking their insanity out on their dogs.

Just awful. Hideous. Sic PETA on 'em!!