Keera didn't tag me, but here I go anyway

A - Age: It's not polite to ask women their age, when they are my age.

B - Bed size: Full.

C - Chore you hate: All of them.

D - Dog's name: Ms. Blossom Opossom

E - Essential to start your day: Tottering to the toilet, then taking the dog out, first thing.

F - Favorite color: All of them. Even Brown.

G - Gold or Silver: Both.

H - Height: Afraid of (me too!). Almost 5'1". (154.94 cm)

I - Instruments you play: Flute/piccolo. Radio. CD player.

J- Job: Musician/acupuncturist. Or is it Acupuncturist/musician. Or fortuneteller??

K - Kid(s): None. Thank heavens.

L - Living arrangements: Living with a dog.

M - Mom's name: Carma

N - Nicknames: 'Vana

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: One night, after having tonsils out at 32. Yes, it hurt!

P - Pet Peeve: No, the pet is blossom.

Q - Quote from: I don't ever remember quotes.

R - Right or left handed: Right, mostly.

S - Siblings: None. I got all the crazy.

T - Time you wake up: days off: 9:30. Work days: 8:00.

U- Underwear (boxer/briefs): French cut briefs.

V - Vegetable you dislike: Most of them. I eat them when I have to.

W - Ways you run late: Sitting at the computer. All. The. Time.

X - X-rays you've had: Chest, hand, teeth.

Y - Yummy food you make: None. I don't cook.

Z - Zoo favorite: Tigers and red foxes. Both are so purty!

Who are we?

From time to time I stop by Robin Artisson's blog, and while he's usually way too wordy for me, this afternoon I read the below, and wanted to share it.

Who are we? Restless spirits that become fascinated with trees or snowy lanes? With houses and children? With mysteries or passion? I think that description is adequate in ways. What force drove us to our present passions and fixations? Whatever power did, I think that no force less than the original will serve to drive us onward to new destinies. In every jewel-like vision of the world, dark or light, full of snow or thirsty scrubland, crowned with houses and buildings or towering mountains, I feel that something has been embedded- a secret sketch of Fate- showing us all, whatever our situation, the secret pattern under destiny's plow.

(from here)

As he did months ago (sorry, no link, don't remember when!), Robin stirred me with his words. Of course, this carries on from my latest post, where I wondered what the heck I was all about. I'll be happy if this is a mid-life crisis, because then I'll live to 102. Perhaps by then I'll have it figured out.

I wrote last time: Regret that I never knew myself, regret that I never amounted to much, regret that few will even notice if I was gone.

As I looked at that again today, I realized that I really REALLY need to pay attention to that. Yesterday I had a 3-hour quasi-lesson with a colleague, and ended up feeling much better about my audition prospects (though completely, irrevocably exhausted)... and I promptly forgot about what I wrote two days ago. No wonder I don't know who I am.

OTOH, as my colleagues say, one needs to be mightily focused to audition successfully. So, as usual, I prioritize my energy. Sort of. Haven't practiced yet today.

I don't think I'm cut out for this.

In 10 days I'm auditioning for a position in a much bigger/better symphony, and I'm not ready for it. I also have no financial "Plan B" for the rest of my life - in the case that I don't win the audition. *If* I manage to make the cut to the second round (unlikely, as we speak), then I'd go back in June, and that extra 2 weeks would make a difference in how I would play.

My job here is downsizing, but by how much we don't yet know. We did take a pay cut for the next few weeks, after that we will be laid off (as we are each summer). Thank heavens for unemployment compensation! So all that is hazy, something that I just don't want to think about. The job I'm auditioning for would triple my salary. Wouldn't that be nice. No, it wouldn't be in 6 figures, not nearly (which tells you how PITIFUL my salary is where I am now.)

I haven't practiced in 6-7 years, and it shows. Taking that into consideration, I've made *amazing* progress, but it isn't likely enough to make the cut. I've been really enjoying this process, at least until the time to actually stand up in front of a committee and play it has come near. Now I'm freaking out.

So, what about acupuncture (you may ask). Yeah, what about it? I had a very unpleasant wakeup call several weeks ago, and I haven't yet dealt with the emotional fallout.

Without telling any details, I felt at some risk from a patient who came in and didn't get better immediately. At that time I had no malpractice insurance (still don't, pending the audition), and I felt horribly at risk from this woman. As of today, nothing has happened - but I find myself quite reluctant to take on that kind of responsibility in a litigious society. I have had a few new patient queries, but nothing has come of them.

Today as I was walking to the car after playing for a couple of my colleagues, my friend opened up her cellphone to read a text, and her face just lit up. It was a text from her boyfriend, and that's when my heart simply broke for a woman named Sravana, who has been dealing with a quite stressful life for over 50 years now, and has no one to call her own. Yeah, it's a sappy sentiment - and I'm *very* happy for my friend - but really!

Then I get home, and while perusing a medical newsletter I get, was linked to a paper on how women with depression, or using anti-depressants, have a much greater likelihood of Sudden Cardiac Death. I've been depressed all my life, on anti-depressants since 1994, have cardiac risk factors, and a family history of heart disease. Recipe for disaster, eh?

Just before I sat down to write this I took a shower, and afterward cried and cried and cried. It might be menopausal, on the one hand, but on the other - Oh Hell. Thank heavens for the critter. I don't know what I'd do without her.

All my life I've had a drive to be something special. Someone unique, well thought of, even famous! I suppose that drive came from the desire to win my parents' love and respect. When I was a child they were unavailable, due to mental illness or generalized emotional unavailability. But this afternoon I felt that I just wanted to be normal. Have a husband and 2 kids (like I could stand the responsibility for that!), a house with a garden, play the flute on the side and do art. What do I have? A too-expensive apartment, a dog, several tens of thousands of dollars in musical instruments, almost $90,000 in student loan debt, thousands of dollars in Chinese medicine books and a loom that I have no where to set up (and is probably *ruined* by now in storage), and very few RL friends (or virtual ones, for that matter). If I died today, and had my life flash before my eyes, my strongest feeling would be regret. Regret that I never knew myself, regret that I never amounted to much, regret that few will even notice if I was gone.

New Moon

I have been a moon phase watcher for over 20 years. I enjoy noticing Luna's phase changes from both an astronomical and astrological point of view, but since I switched to the iMac in October I haven't had the nifty little Lunabar task bar icon to keep me abreast of the phases. However, for some reason I noticed that the moon had gone missing on Wednesday, and figured that it must be New Moon time. That phase happened yesterday - and esoterically it's a time for making new plans, changes - starting things that need to grow.

Two nights ago I read the following here (note, the link remains current, so if you're reading this after May 22 or so, the following won't appear, as it will have been updated):

During Moon-conjunct-Sun in Taurus this year, astrology shows that we are on the edge of a monumental spiritual awakening that nothing can stop. Just before the New Moon, on April 21 the Moon aligned with Venus conjunct Mars in 29 Pisces; this beautiful sight heralded a mystical awakening...

You may have been stewing in your emotional garbage during March and most of April, but that ends abruptly during this New Moon when you must get real...

Before this New Moon T-square set in, on April 19 we enjoyed the luscious green arrival of the Sun in Taurus. We soaked in love and attunement with Nature... You must realize that Nature loves you and creates you, yet many will wonder if Earth is buckling under the sheer weight of humanity. Others will feel like grasping for just one more comfort, one more way to feel secure. The arrival of this New Moon will challenge us all to truly value our planet's joy and pleasure...

As you can see in the chart, the Triple Conjunction is drawing very close during this New Moon, and this is expanding our spiritual healing. Mercury in 25 Taurus rules awareness and comprehension, and it exactly squares the Triple Conjunction; what you need to heal will be easy to identify during this New Moon. What's your big block? Where did it start? Are you doing things to heal it and get beyond it? In all spiritual traditions, taking the mantle of spiritual awareness often entails personal sacrifice. During this New Moon, look for insights concerning how our species may expand itself (Jupiter) by means of healing blocks (Chiron) that have kept us from our spiritual paths (Neptune), insights that may open during the next Great Age (Aquarius). Many of you have felt like beings of light with healing knowledge from Atlantis lurking in your cells. The Triple Conjunction is going to release this inner knowledge in direct proportion to letting ego go.

And then I started to get my spirituality back (see yesterday's post).

I don't think it's a coincidence.

I've been reading Hand Clow's books for a while now, and while she may be completely batshit-crazy, I glean something remarkable from each page. She is a Pleiadan channel (the "goddess" Satya, from Alcyone), and whatever I think of that, she walks her talk.

Foxy

2009 is proving to be an intense year, don't you think? Currently we have taken a 14% cut in pay at work, there may be no work in the fall, my acubiz is miserable, I'm preparing for an audition for a big symphony job in another state, the dog has had (solved?) incontinence issues, I've been selling books on half.com, swine flu has been reported locally, and spring has arrived in South Texas.

But that isn't really what I want to blog about.

Ever since I returned to this city and the symphony, I've noticed that my spirituality has been on hold. I've a tendency to pagan/earth based spirituality, with some shamanic leanings - but I've been completely disconnected from that since the fall of 2007. I was disturbed by this, but nothing I did seemed to bring back that spiritual sense. I was resigned to the idea that it was in my past.

Yesterday I took the dog for a long walk, and following my intuition found myself in the company of 3-year-old Sravana. She is quite the survivor, and we were having a conversation about her fears, and how I'm the adult now, and she can count on me to take care of her. Immediately I noticed that a spirit fox was nearby, and that he was attached to little Sravana. She told me how much she had learned from him. From my shamanic studies I recognized that the fox is a liminal animal - living on the borders of darkness and light, dusk and dawn - and that the fox can easily fade from view. That skill would have been a tremendous boon when Sravana was little - because one never knew what was going to set off Mom, hiding made it less likely that she would be hurt. I realized that I still use fox medicine today, though it's harder for me to hide in plain sight now.

I was astonished at how easily this inner spiritual connection returned yesterday. All I had to do was open myself to the possibility and follow my intuition. What happened? Why was I able to slide back into this shamanic state so easily?

Yesterday was the New Moon. More on that tomorrow.

ETA: amazing fox video!!

Cr@p

The past 10 days have been "interesting", in the manner of the Chinese curse "may you live in interesting times". (As an aside - we DO live in interesting times. Unfortunately).

I have served on a union committee for the past year, and recently (due to a jihad on the part of a colleague who sleeps with the Union President - her description, not mine) that has become untenable. Of our 5-person committee, 2 have already resigned, and I'm hoping to tenure my resignation (along with my two remaining colleagues) at the next Executive Board meeting, within 8 days. While I have put my WHOLE HEART into this work, I've loved this work, I adore working for my colleagues and making sure that the CBA (Collective Bargaining Agreement) is followed to the letter, but I absolutely cannot wait until I can resign and be done with this.

I obviously do not have the stomach or temperament to deal with office/union politics, and this has brought out an angry, avenging angel side to my personality. One can refer to this as the Inner Bitch, and let me tell you, she is raging. Not only do I want to complete my tenure, let the Union know what it needs to know and just wash my hands in the matter, I want the people responsible for the suffering that I and the rest of the committee have gone through to SUFFER. I would love to let loose with a string of profanity that would turn the air around me blue, cause the moon to wither and drop into the sea, make the earth shake and drop a meteor on the Union office - but my own sense of integrity (Virgo) won't let that happen. It's a vicious and violent anger - the kind that makes you want to fling crockery at brick walls, break chairs, tear office copiers apart, and hurl computers out of third-story windows. One colleague had to resign because the stress raised his blood pressure sky-high, and he is a stroke survivor. One colleague was up in the middle of the night last night, fuming because of the careless, cavalier, fsck-it-all attitude of the ***** who started this whole situation. One colleague resigned after getting the 2-page letter from that *****'s Union President boyfriend, saying that he didn't have time for this petty sh*t. I've barely kept another colleague from resigning - convincing him that we do need to present our work to the E-Board, and then we can wash my hands of this.

Rewind back six months - and the bargaining unit had just ratified a new CBA which called for a Union committee. Literally NO-ONE but four of us were willing to serve, and we had to beg the fifth to join us, because her department was different from the rest of us, and we really needed a representative from her department on the committee.

Do I think that the Union will be able to find another five colleagues to be their bitch? No. I think that it will take weeks of work to find another five patsys, particularly as people hear how callously we were treated. That is a comfort to me, because the @$$holes who have treated us so callously will be stuck doing the considerable amount of work that we were happy to do - for free.

It's times like this that I wish I was a practicing magickian/Pagan, because hurting someone is so so tempting. But it's just as well that I don't know much about magickal spells, because I hear that they give you back three times what you send out. Ouch.

Basically we were given enough rope to hang ourselves with, and then bitch-slapped.
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On a lighter note: I think I'm going to buy myself an iPhone this week. ::smile::

I'm also having some fun with Tarot and the Lenormand Oracle recently, after signing up for a 30-week tarot course on the TdM, and buying two more Lenormand decks. I was stunned with how accurate the Lenormand cards are. The Mystical Lenormand is becoming my favorite, though I like the Piatnik as well. The Mystical reminds me of the computer game Myst, and I may have to find a version of that game to play again on my new iMac.

The Abyss winked...

The past few days I was looking into the abyss once again - and it took me a while to sort it out. The breakthrough was when I realized that it wasn't depression per se - it was a good, old-fashioned shame attack.

Which begs the question: what was I ashamed about?

Easy: I'm ashamed to be in such a mess at this age. By now most people are becoming grandparents, are looking forward to retirement, have a paid-for house, and are coming up on their 35th wedding anniversary. At least, that's what one expects for one's self in your early 50s. I have none of that - no kids, no spouse, no house, no retirement savings. And I have a job that's likely not going to exist in a few months (symphony), a business which is completely stagnant, and hardly any savings. And I'm ashamed of all of the above.

As I was driving to rehearsal today I realized that I'm actually feeling what a lot of people are feeling right now - the sudden loss of esteem caused by employment and financial stress. It's as though I'm already unemployed and struggling, because I have the foresight to see reality as it is - what's coming my way. It's as though being more practically aware is making me miserable. Of course, being so practical is enabling me to take steps to make sure that I'm not thrown out on the street - but I have to feel well enough to actually take action.

And when I'm suffering with a shame attack, taking action is practically (!) impossible.

I had a long talk with an old friend last night, and while he couldn't really help me (as I hadn't figured it out yet), it was wonderful to re-connect and catch up on our lives. We both have great things in the works. Here's hope for the future!

... and the abyss stares back.

That's how I wanted to end my FB update: S has no answers, and the abyss stares back.

Nothing to see here, just carry on.

Continuing...

Today I looked around to see what I could do for term life. While the coverage is about 4x what I currently have, after they take a gander at my mental/blood lipid/bone density numbers, I'm sure it will be completely unaffordable for the likes of me. I have 2 policies totaling $15,000. I don't think I need any more - I have no children, nor a spouse that needs me. So I'm thinking of cashing in the cash value of the smaller ($5000) one, and using that cash to begin to pay down my 6.8% portion of my student loan debt.

I have listed many more books for sale at half.com (look for womanwithpoodle), and they sell, one book at a time. This past weekend I actually sold two! I listed my unwanted decks at AT just now, along with 4 tarot books for $15 + shipping. Someone's interested, hope they buy them!

More on my life changes - I am convinced that the symphony is not going to survive this recession in anything like it's present pitiful shape... and I do NOT want to go down with the ship. I have a couple of options, and am working toward making at least one of them a reality. If not... No, let's not go there. There is an orchestra meeting tomorrow, and I'll know more then (if I can stomach to go to the meeting).

First - I did hear of a colleague who wanted an acupuncture associate. We talked and it sounded positive, but he hasn't yet responded to two emails and a phone call. I'm ready to write that off.

Second - part-time work from home as a medical transcriptionist. I'm not sure how good the money is, but I do enjoy working with the computer, and with my education and smarts should have no trouble landing a good gig. Maybe I'm pie in the sky here, but I bet I could live on 20/hours/week if the symphony was still around.

Third - I'm going to offer my services to area spas as an acupuncturist. A friend commented that none of the spas in her area were interested, but I'm going all out to make a good impression (portfolio-wise) with a girlfriend to help me out on the presentation front.

Fourth - my biz. I have NOT given it what I've needed to, and it shows. But I'm convinced that it's doable, but I'd need some kind of cushion while working on it. I thought I had that with the symphony, but that job is a HELL of a psychic drain - eminently unhelpful. I've been struggling with my own acu technique - working with Toyohari has not been spectacular, so I'm back to the drawing board with Chinese Acupuncture (by Morant). Not a problem in the least.

My *big* decision is where to move. It would cost me $1400 in fees to break my lease (and that would go on my credit rating!), so I'm stuck here through the 16th of September 2009. Tomorrow morning I'm going to amble over to the next apartment complex and see what their rates are like - I was thinking they would be lower, but I spoke to someone over their and they sound comparable, unfortunately. I don't want to live in a dump!

But... while I was visiting my parents I got a bee in my bonnet. They have been living in a 5th wheel travel trailer for 13-14 years, and mostly loving it. Lots of living light on the land, because you don't have room for so much *stuff*. A Motorhome looks like this, a class C looks like this, a 5th-wheel looks like this, while a travel trailer looks like this. Now, I certainly could not afford a Motorhome, Class C, or a 5th wheel... but I might be able to swing a travel trailer... to LIVE in. Used, of course. No way would I buy anything new.

Other than the cost of the trailer, there is the electricity/propane/rental of wherever you park. There is a wonderful park just outside the city where my parents have spent some time, and the monthly cost would run about $375. Gas would be a problem for the commute into town, but if I wasn't with the symphony, and was working as a medical transcriptionist part time and coming into town 2-3 days a week to work at the spa... I think that would be very very cool!

Glimmers

I've had an interesting time with my folks. Last night I keyed into a deep sadness, and decided to walk with the dog. It was darkening, but was not yet as chilly. As I made the first round it brought to mind another time - back in 2003 when I was similarly walking the dog in a circle around the travel trailers where my folks were parked, trying to decide if I should commute to school from SA, or move to Austin. As I mulled that question over and over I suddenly realized that it was, in fact, the wrong question.

The right question was "what do I want my life to look like 5 years from now?".

I can't answer that question yet, but it certainly addresses my recent malaise and directionlessness. I don't know where I'm going, so I don't know what to do with myself. Simple answer: figure out where I'm going!

Last night I was reading this book: Chinese Acupuncture ... it's a veritable *tome* of a book (896pp. 5.2 lbs!) and is not an easy read. That being said, the author was a Frenchman who studied acupuncture in China before the revolution (which declared it "backwards" and forbade it). It's an exciting book for an acupuncturist, but a very hard slog, as it is poorly organized. I had a classmate who swore by this book and the techniques it teaches, but was unable to teach it to anyone else in a coherent manner. I gave up, and switched to Toyohari (which I'm now having second thoughts about...). Interestingly, the Morant book peaks my interest, as well as this book on Classical 5 Element acupuncture. I think that I have a boatload of Asian Medicine reading to do as I figure out what I want my life to look like.

Resume

I've heard great things about being a Medical Transcriptionist, and I think that might be the ticket to making some extra $$$ during this economic downturn. I've done some googling, and am working up a resume. I hope that I qualify with my Oriental Medicine training, and don't have to take any more classes!

This would help me have a soft landing as I work on my acu biz and as a musician. I've been thinking about this for some time, and finally got my act in gear to start looking into it.

And - I have to call the acupuncturist who is looking for an associate again.

Good times!

???

I tried to blog tonight, but I'm giving up. I don't know who I am these days, or where my life is going. I'm worried about my day job, about my non-existent business - but I still spent a heck of a lot of money on stuff that I don't need in the past 2 days.

I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but when my Dad sends me emails about how Obama is a narcissist it rather gets me down. How in heaven's name can one keep a positive attitude when everyone believes that the world is going down the cr@pper?

I don't want to be a pie-in-the-sky, fingers in ears "la la la I can't hear you" "everything is just peachy" loon, but then again I don't want to be looking for a terrorist under every shrub, and expecting to be thrown out on the street several times a week.

How the heck does anyone find BALANCE in this environment!

1/20/2009

Here are some more grand photos from Inauguration Day. I particularly liked the pic of the Pakistanis celebrating. Who would've thought.

More later...

Trip

Out of town with no internet service for a few days...