SpiritSpeaks

2011-08-07T15:52:00.000-05:00

Next??

As I sit here contemplating the disaster that is my apartment, I am considering what I want for myself and what is the first best thing that I can do to get there. I’ve gone through my books several times, and I’ve listed about 60 of them on half.com for sale - selling two already. I’ll leave them up through the end of Sept, then take the remainder to 1/2 price books to dispose of. I’m going to list my loom on craigslist all over the state and southwest later today - I’ll have about a $2500 loss on the blasted thing, but I’ve had it set up since Feb, and haven’t seen fit to put a warp on it in that time, so out it goes. I’ve gone through my back issues of Handwoven and Spinoff magazines, and have an eighteen-inch pile of them to list on eBay. I’m keeping some, because I’m still interested in dyeing, spinning, and weaving (I have a table loom for the latter)… but the majority will have to go.

I’m hoping that clearing out this stuff will help clarify my future. The hardest part currently is in deciding what to do with my many varieties of acupuncture books. While I still owe thousands of dollars in student loans, I’ve almost completely lost interest in pursuing that line of work. In fact, this brings to mind a study I read about in the NYTimes - how people tended to continue with things that they’d invested time/money in, rather than cutting their losses. Perhaps I’m in that place? Or is it that I’m simply in another headspace right now, and I don’t have the energy to put toward that line of work today? I don’t have an answer for that right now, just waiting for it to percolate out of my subconscious.

I’m still very interested in Reiki and Japanese acu, but not in herbalism. I have a small inventory of herbs that I either need to let go of, or start studying them again. And I don’t want to do that. I’m going to do a Reiki refresher the last weekend of the month; I’m really looking forward to that.

And I’m still interested in being a musician (though I’m not practicing!), probably in a different style than classical. I noticed that the St. Louis Symphony is having another piccolo audition (guess their recent hire didn’t work out), but there’s absolutely nothing that interests me there besides the salary. Guess what audition I’m not taking? ;)

I’m incredibly lonely this month, though I do have some friends that I could contact… I’m just not interested in them right now. I’m not dumping them, really… I just need something other than hanging out with depressing people. This weekend I went out to some venues by myself and was really disappointed in what I found. I’ll keep looking. I’m thinking that just going out on dates could be interesting, and I’m likely going to get back on match.com in a week or so. I’d be doing it for one reason alone: to just get some experience dating, nothing more. I don’t believe that I’ll find the love of my life there (though I suppose that’s possible…) but simply getting some experience dating could be fun… and make it easier if I actually DO meet someone that I’d like to get to know better.

Speaking of that, seeing how I just plugged my ex-husband into the ongoing fantasy that I have had about ‘the man’ who will love me like my father didn’t… well… I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to discern whether or not someone that I’m “in love” with is simply a daddy substitute, or the real thing. But I’m thinking that dating real men (rather than just the fantasy guys in my head) will help me grow up some here.

And then there’s the move to Oz. ::: grins ::: I have exactly four months from yesterday before I head back south again, and miles to go before I get there. I’m glad that it’s going to be so long before I go, because I have some time to figure out what I’m truly about before I either get a job there and move, or don’t. And I’m picturing me in some kind of 9-to-5 job that keeps me in cappuccinos and shelter, a job that I can just check at the storefront when I leave, so I have energy to establish myself as a creative force, rather than this continuous struggle to find that creative energy after the soul-sucking situation that my symphony job can be.

So what do I have energy for right now? Clearing out my life, mostly… some writing, some exercise, but not much else. So that’s what I’m doing: clearing out, exercising, writing.

2011-08-03T18:31:00.000-05:00

Holy crap.

I just figured out why my marriage failed. See previous post.

2011-08-02T16:20:00.002-05:00

A couple days ago I had a conversation with a friend, wherein I discovered one of the keys to my dysfunction. It’s a bit hard to get one’s mind around, but the upshot is that all my fantasizing has little to nothing to do with wanting an actual adult relationship. Rather, it’s all about trying to get my needs met from childhood and my emotionally absent father.

The key to understanding this was to realize that it really didn’t matter who the ‘guy’ was, I could (and have) plugged just about anyone into the fantasy of someone being everything to me. IOW - who he was didn’t matter. What mattered was that he was able to mirror to me how ‘special’ I am. And I think that I’m finally, at one month shy of 54, getting a handle on this. All along I’ve been looking for that unconditional love and acceptance from my Dad, and he doesn’t have it to give. While he approves of a lot of the stuff I’ve *done* in my life, he does not approve of who I am (nor does Mom, for that matter.) There is not support for me in my creativity, in the expression of my vitality - it’s mostly undermining commentary on how things could go wrong. They have a very fear-based way of thinking - it’s “if you do X, what will people think” rather than “to thine own self be true”.

I’ll never get what I need from them, nor from anyone else, for that matter. I’m going to give it to myself, because I don’t want to suffer any longer. It’s unacceptable to me to continue as I have been, that’s just continuing the abuse of my early years. For instance, as I write this I’m at my parents’ home, after deciding to stay here an extra night so I could be with them. So this evening my mother is depressed and completely unavailable (has been all day), my Dad, after a bit of a rant about the recent hoopla over the deficit ceiling, is now playing with his computer while whistling “How Great Thou Art”, and I’m sitting here in the living room with my dog and my laptop, writing something that I’ll post on my blog tomorrow when I get home. Does this sound like quality family time to you? No, nor to me. But it’s par for the course in the household where I grew up. Dad unavailable, Mom depressed and unavailable, and me… the only child, playing make-believe in order to stay sane.

Also in that seminal conversation, I got deeply in touch with the creative woman that I am, the writer, musician, acupuncturist, artist, performer, knitter. And getting in touch with that was quite healing for me. My plan is to nurture myself, to help myself get over this wounding by expressing myself, because I value who I am.

I’m seriously considering a move to Australia, and am going back in December when I’ll look for some kind of work. It’s been suggested to me that there are actually two things in play here: the first being what I’m going to do - how I’m going to express the creative being that I am, and second, where am I going to do that.

One way that I am moving forward with expressing who I am is by being unapologetically me. I’m no longer going to hide my esoteric, off the wall interests from anyone. I used to think that it was important to not seem too different from the norm so as not to put people off, particularly as a health care practitioner. That’s a family legacy, the “what will people think” meme. I’m out of the closet now; restricting myself in any way diminishes my ability to express myself in all other ways. Another part of this is by jettisoning baggage from the past, stuff that doesn’t serve me any longer. So when I return home tomorrow, I’ll be looking at everything there, asking “does this serve me”. And if not, it’s going to be ditched.

2011-07-28T15:57:00.001-05:00

Yeah, the friend is me

I just posted the following on a tarot forum. More later on what's going on with me. Let's just say that it's all good!

Tarot reading for a friend: Should I move overseas, or stay here?
Spread: Should you or shouldn’t you, from Power Tarot by Trish MacGregor and Phyllis Vega.

Cards 1-3 What may happen if you do what you’re contemplating
Cards 4-6 What may happen if you maintain the status quo
Card 7 Outcome if you make the change
Card 8 Outcome if you don’t make a change
Card 9 Something you need to know before deciding

Deck: Light and Shadow Tarot
Most of these cards are very similar to the RWS, I’ll note significant differences below.
My friend is single, and is interested in a relationship, and a creative outlet. She feels stifled where she lives now.

Cards 1-3: 10/Cups, 5/Cups, 5/Pents
Cards 4-6: 9/Pents, XI: Strength, 2/Swords
Card 7: 4/Wands
Card 8: VII: Chariot
Card 9: Ace/Pents

Moving
Card 1: 10/Cups: Straightforward happiness. Getting what you’ve always wanted. Partnership and music (dancing people on card)
Card 2: 5/Cups: This card has the usual RWS: the bridge, the 2 standing cups/3 spilled. There is a stalk of what appears to be wheat with a huge butterfly that the sorrowing person appears to not notice.
Emotional loss. Homesickness. Needing to let go of the past and move on. The bridge to a new life, but must take the first steps toward same (reminding me of Rachel Pollack’s take on the RWS card with the bridge). New life, coming out of the shell.
Card 3: 5/Pents: Distressed people, looking down. Large inverted pentacle. Broken eggshell. Cityscape in the background. Brian Williams says “Worry, anxiety, apprehension.” There is the sense of worry in birthing something in the 5/Pents, re: Williams. The woman is pregnant, but the broken eggshell could be one of 2 things: broken in loss, or broken in the birth of what was inside.
Financial hardship. Difficulty making ends meet. Feeling lost among the crowds. Anxiety over what one is birthing creatively. I sense that this could be temporary, given Card 7

Status Quo
Card 4: 9/Pents: Young woman rejoicing in own garden. Bird is not hooded, is flying free. I t end to see this as the Wish Card in this deck, rather than the 9/cups.
Happiness and fulfillment, alone, not partnered.
Card 5: In this Strength card, the lion is a puma, and has a collar and a leash - the woman holding the leash is holding a cup with flames shooting out of it. Flowers bloom in her hair, mountains in the distance. She looks down at the cat, who is smiling.
Calm power. Inner strength and conviction. Being able to rein oneself in. Needing to leash one’s inner animal instinct.
Card 6: 2/Swords: Being unwilling to see the truth. Needing to fend off outer influences. Brian Williams mentions contemplation and inward peace, but I don’t see this card that way… though it could follow after Strength.
Card 7: 4/Wands: Unlike the RWS, there are no people in this card. The four wands are poised on a bridge, however… and with its reflection in the water it forms a perfect circle.
In my book, this is the marriage card. Completing a creative cycle, wholeness.
Card 8: This Chariot card is more Thoth-y than RWS-y.
Triumph, inner peace with outer change. opposing forces reconciled.
Card 9: Ace/Pents: In this card there are two sprouting seeds above the pentacle, and 5 sleeping men nestle between the points of the pentagram and the outer circle of the pentacle.
The seed of prosperity. The sprouting seed of newness - two choices, each with grand possibilities.

To me the Ace/Pents indicates that whatever this woman chooses, there is good energy behind her choice. The seeds of her creativity will sprout either way, it all depends on what she wants for herself.

Initially I see the Status Quo as being the more positive choice. With two Trumps (and those being the complementary Chariot and Strength) there is strong energy for her staying where she is, learning to be her own woman and balancing her own psyche. The 2/Swords is worrisome - the only sword in the spread, and indicating that she will be likely to refuse to see something that needs to be seen if she stays. That being said, Williams’ take on the card (inner balance, meditation, etc) fits in with the balancing act of the two trumps, but that is not the way I see this card, generally speaking.

The possible outcome of moving is intriguing - again, balancing of both positive and negative cards, with no Trumps. The two 5s warn of difficulty, and the 5/Pents is the most worrisome to me. I see the 5/Cups as homesickness and regret - she has a very conflicted relationship with her job, a true love/hate relationship, and I can see the regret being due to moving on from it. At this time she doesn’t have a job lined up in the new country, I’m wondering if she did, if the 5/Pents would go away. Incidentally, given her age, it’s not likely that she would become unexpectedly pregnant.

She was very happy to see the 10/Cups and 4/Wands, as she longs to be partnered… and the Status Quo cards have no indication that her single status would change anytime soon. That alone could be the deciding factor for her.

I’m interested in what you all see in this spread. Thanks so much for reading!

2011-07-24T00:50:00.003-05:00

Sigh

Me and my issues.
So I learned that a certain Golden Boy™ in Sydney asked after our trip to the zoo (this a couple days after I'd returned home), and immediately went nuts. It triggered all my issues in a most unbecoming way.

My affirmation: I am grateful to Golden Boy™ for giving me this lesson. Bless his hairy head! (he has an amazing head of hair).

As my clairvoyant would say, he's a soulmate who is giving me the opportunity to work through this stuff. She would also say "I notice how exciting this is... I'd like more of that, please!" in asking for more fun in my life.

I'm going down that road right now. And the fantasies are an addiction (so says Da Guru™ and he's right), and I'm breathing through the discomfort. With the help of Jack Daniel's and chocolate.

One further note of progress: I am doing better with not feeling shame over this enthusiasm for someone so unavailable. I'm rather "meh". If someone more my age, in this hemisphere, and interesting showed up, I'd be so over GB™... though I'll still try to look him up when I return to Sydney next year.

2011-07-19T17:55:00.001-05:00

I’ve been back from Sydney for 20 hours, and the changes are coming thick and fast. I feel that I was not living my own life before I went, and it was quite jarring when I arrived there, and was with my friends 24/7. Again, my friend Ken was a lifesaver; he’s the wisest person I know. Eventually I got back on my feet, perhaps for the first time since I was three.

I’ve had a strong sensation that there are changes that must happen in my life, but I had no idea what they needed to be or how to learn what they were. Then, on my last day in Sydney, I met Gayle’s friend Fiona - who is jumping off a cliff without a net. What an inspiration! I don’t want to discuss her stuff, but her situation resonated with me.

On the flight home I powered up my laptop and started working on the novel again, and I wrote over 4000 words during my transit. It was the most enjoyable thing I’ve done in a long time, and it’s something that I have energy for (even right now, when I’m struggling to stay awake due to jet lag and lack of sleep), more energy than I’ve had since March, when I was writing every day.

My conclusion? I’m a writer. (or wroitah, as they say Down Under). No, I’m an effing writer. (Better.) My writing here may not look like much because I’m so tired, and because I’ve not put a writer’s effort into my blogging over the years, but I’m telling you, this is it. Or rather, one of the things that is IT in my life.

Another thing that I learned is how much I want to be able to play music by ear, to improvise, to express myself in that manner. I took my flute along to Oz, and played it with Gayle and her friend Abby. It wasn’t for that long, or that successful, but it was FUN. More fun, please!

All this is fine and good, but I also am noticing that I feel different in my body. Not just that I’m tired, but rather that I feel more IN my body than I have in a long time. I also have a new appreciation of how unique I am, and how people could respond to me if I actually get out there and do the things that bring me joy. I find that people are relating to me as though these changes weren’t happening, which is annoying. Of course, they have no way of knowing what’s going on inside of me, especially since I don’t have the words to talk about this just yet.

I’ve been considering some major changes in myself, how I relate to the world. I feel very good about the changes I’ve made clothing and makeup style-wise, now for my hair. Last night I pulled it back and let it dry naturally, and you would not believe the curls! On my flight home I found myself even considering dreadlocks (!), though I don’t know if that’s somewhere I could stand to go.

Interestingly, I’m also considering a name change. This is something that I will be thinking about for quite a while, though if I do this, I would do it for my 55th birthday in Sept 2012. I’m batting around a couple of ideas, all will be reveled eventually. Today it feels like a very positive step, with sadness in letting go of my birth name… though it feels like something that is necessary for me in this transition.

2011-04-10T16:56:00.002-05:00

A Quiet Sunday

The past two weeks have been pretty hairy - lots of symphony work, as our Principal took himself off the last two weeks and left me doing his job; and lots of acubiz, as well, not to mention needing to start my taxes (eeep!) - and I haven't done any writing at all. Last night I was sobbing on Skype with my best girlfriend, and today I went for my hour-long walk and took the laptop to Starbucks, where I am currently. I did some work on the book, but as I'm not really inspired I ended up taking all the episode headings and putting them into another file - I'm going to have a look at it when printed out, and figure out where to go from here. I was just writing what came to me, but now I think that I need to see what needs to be written, and perhaps what can be ditched. I'm glad to be back writing, even if I didn't manage many words today.

re: my last blogpost - I'm not sure that I'm in a better place right now, but at least I'm not thinking about Dr. T at all anymore. I think I've finally gotten IT, as to why I was continuing to think about him, and that he wasn't worth the energy. Not sure that I want to take the time to put the realizations into words right now. I'm rather low energy, and the music is too loud in here! sheesh. I can't think!

More later...

2011-03-31T20:46:00.004-05:00

More DysFUNction

Ha! Just when I thought I was over it all... actually, I'm smiling, because the insights just keep coming... and I'm still happy.

No writing this week - I think that I need a break from it, especially as work with the symphony is eating my lunch right now. That's fine, it will even out in a day or two.

It's obvious to me that I'm not done with my relationship issues yet. I've been thinking about Dr. T ever since my last post, and alternatively mulling over why I'm doing so. Today I found myself remembering the tone of the emails that he sent me, and I realized that I was missing that kind of interest from a man. IOW, it's not him, it's the interest. Of course it's not him, I don't know the man! So there's a Younger part of me which craves that interest... and wow, does that make sense with my childhood. Everyone was absent and unable to be interested in me, interested enough to find out what I found interesting. Mom and Dad were rather boring people back then - he was all about work, and she was all about being depressed and trying to get from one moment to the next. So, of course, and through no fault of theirs, there was nothing for me. I just did what I was told and ended up believing that life was all about getting from one day to the next... rather than enjoying life.

So it isn't so much that I am waiting for Dr. T to come back into my life - it's a craving for someone with the interest in me that he showed... before he stopped showing it. And a part of me believes that if I don't get it from him, then I'm not going to get it. sheesh. As a very WISE friend said to me, "Don't make him so precious."

Wait, hang on, this isn't it, either. Because there are certainly many men that were interested in me. I can go on match.com right now and find many guys like that. So this isn't the whole thing. ::grumble:: I think I'm back at square one - it's quite rare for me to be interested in a man who actually returns that interest. It seems to happen to me about once a DECADE.

Anybody have a clue-by-four for me? I'd love to hear from you.

I'm not certain how to deal with these insights, though I'm sure that it has something with ME being interested in MY life, ME enjoying MY life... and being full enough to SHARE it with others. And I'm doing that, more and more, with my friends, and with myself.

2011-03-27T15:16:00.002-05:00

My New Life

Ah yes, chakra cord cutting... that seems like ancient history by now. Thank heavens.
So, on January 23rd I had a reading with Sue Walliker, a clairvoyant in Sydney, who I heard from on the Mysterious Universe podcast. It was spot on in many ways, and yes, we talked about the infamous gent that I was referring to in previous blogposts. It seems that there is a possibility that Dr. T might come back into my life, but by now I'm pretty over that whole idea/situation. She predicts that there is someone coming into my life to be with me and beside me, and that by November I'll be in a relationship which will last for decades. We'll see!

A couple weeks ago I was still having some trouble with thinking about Dr. T, until I chatted with my good friend Jen, who lives in Sydney as well. Somehow in that conversation I connected with the realization that I had basically decided that it was time for me to meet someone and fall in love, and it wasn't happening on my time, so I was frustrated and unhappy in consequence. Given Sue's prediction that Dr. T might well come back into my life, perhaps you can understand that a Younger part of me was going crazy trying to figure out how that would happen. But realizing that I was trying to force meeting someone/falling in love into my own timeframe helped me realize that it just doesn't happen that way, and I might as well CHILL. So I am. I still have some troubles with that, but I'm better every day.

AND...

I'm writing a novel. Go figure, I have no idea how that happened, either. Jen sent me some pages of hers, and I thought, "What if I just riff on these fantasies I've been having?" and there you go. 70,000+ words later, I'm a writer. You cannot imagine what a shock this is to me. I've never even wanted to write, and now I have words just gushing out of me 4-5 days a week, before it dries up completely on the weekend. My main character started out as a riff on Dr. T - in the vaguest of terms - and has turned into someone completely different and fascinating.

I am incredibly happy now - the writing has freed up something in me that was all tied in knots before - and writing is the most fun I've had since I learned to play the flute. I'm amazed. I'm walking about 5 hours a week, losing weight, my friends say I'm looking younger and younger, what's not to like?

So on my walk just now I realized a thing or two, one being that I have not done the things I've wanted to do over the years, because I was too busy feeling terrible because I wasn't partnered in some fashion. And just now I realize one other thing: if Dr. T hadn't bailed on me in January, I wouldn't be the happy woman I am today, well on my way to crafting a fulfilling life on my own.

Dude, I owe you one, or two, or twenty. Thank you so much for leaving the building!

2011-01-15T14:00:00.003-06:00

More on chakra cord cutting

I have been asked to elaborate on my chakra cord clearing exercise. I believe that it's important to be familiar with the characteristics and the colors etc. of the various chakras before attempting this exercise. One can probably find very good information on this simply by searching the web. That being said, this exercise works with the seven basic chakras of Vedic belief.

The following is a thumbnail sketch of my own understanding of the chakras. The first chakra is the so-called sacral chakra and it is associated with issues of survival and tribal beliefs. Its color is red. The second chakra is the sexual chakra, and it is located below the navel. Its color is orange and it has to do with sexual connection with others. The third chakra is known as the solar plexus chakra. Its color is yellow; it is located over the stomach, and has to do with issues with power, especially personal power. The fourth chakra is the heart chakra and its color is green or sometimes pink, depending on your source of information. It has to do with issues of love and connection - love of self, and love of others. The fifth chakra is the throat chakra and it is located at the throat. Its color is blue and it has to do with speaking your own truth, and generalized communication with others. The sixth chakra is the third eye chakra, and its color is indigo. It is located between the brows on the forehead, and it has to do with intuition and inner knowing. The seventh chakra is the crown chakra. Its color is white, and it has to do with connection with The All.

In this exercise you are removing any metaphysical or psychic connections that you may have with another human being, manifesting as light energy cords which connect your chakras to the chakras of the other individual. These cords exist whether we know about them or believe in them, whenever there is a strong connection between two people. In my experience this type of metaphysical connection can manifest as an inability to separate from another person, even when it is in one's own best interest to do so. I can imagine that, in the case of the marriage gone bad, or if someone finds themselves in the situation of being a battered spouse, would be situations where this exercise can help, once one has physically removed oneself from the other individual.

In my case, I had originally caused the psychic connection out of my own imagination, as I was attached to the idea of this individual being in my life. I have a particularly active imagination, and am able to visualize things whether in my mind, or see them projected into the reality around me. I trusted this ability to see me through as I performed this ritual.

That being said, there were times during this ritual (and in other rituals that I've done) where I felt that my imagination was either being led to see something that I had not planned, or that I simply was seeing something that did not come from my own imagination. For instance, I knew that I needed to see the man in question leaving my apartment. However, as he left in my imagination I did see him do things that I had not planned for him to do. I also knew that I needed to simply survey the chakras at the start of the ritual to see what they looked like as I looked from one to the other. It simply came into my mind that certain ones would be thicker or stronger or more dense than others, and I'm not sure if that came from my own imagination, or from some sort of inner sight. Originally, I thought that I could simply unravel the cords, but that did not give me the results and I hoped for, and I had to use a dagger. I simply used two fingers to visualize the dagger as I tried to cut them. At one point the dagger was not enough, and I ended up pounding the cord with a mallet, or perhaps it was a cleaver.

In any case, I feel that having an emotional experience while doing this ritual is essential to its successful completion. I did not try to force any feelings on what I was doing, but the feelings arose naturally as I went through the ritual.

I should clarify, when I visualized the gentleman in question sitting on the pillow opposite me, I did not actually see him visually. I was able to simply visualize him in my mind, as though he was sitting there. My visualization included what he was wearing, how his hair was combed, the expression on his face, the positioning of his arms and legs, et cetera. In other words, I saw him as clearly and in as much detail as possible, as though he was actually sitting there. I also made a point to invite him to participate in this ritual, as I was starting the ritual. While do not believe that he would have necessarily been able to refuse (given that it was my own visualization) I still felt that it was important to invite him to participate, to get his consent. I did do some preparation for this ritual. I quieted my mind, I played my Tibetan singing bowl, and did some other ritualistic kind of things to bring my mind to a point of focus. I also made a point to make sure that I was not going to be interrupted during this time.

I don't know if this answers all of your questions, but feel free to ask more if it doesn't in the comments. Thanks so much for asking.

2011-01-11T16:59:00.002-06:00

Sad and quiet

I'm getting to the point of letting go of the whole Dr. T thing, and today I'm pretty much resigned to the idea that he's found someone else and isn't going to be coming around again. I know that he didn't want to go to regular email until he meets you in person, and it's been five days since he's logged in to match, after being on there every single day. Now you can see why match is not for me - I don't need this kind of info. That being said, I've asked the Universe for some kind of sign in 48 hours (till 4pm on Thurs), so we'll see what happens.

This evening I'm sad and quiet - depressed, even. I think that's understandable, after all the emotional highs and lows of the past month. And I know that working through my issues is not optional at this point. I simply cannot go through this kind of rollercoaster again.

Last night I worked with the affirmation: "Love comes to me, simply because I am available," and had 3 new men contact me on match. Whatever. It's kind of like Goldilocks and the Three Bears: one is too BIG, one is too short, and the other one is... weird.
Hmmm, that can't be correct, the third one is supposed to be just right. I did find it interesting that all this happened after working with the affirmations.

Okay, enough sitting around feeling bad. Writing this has reminded me that I have a choice - I can sit around feeling blue, or I can write affirmations (and feed the dog, get dinner, practice, etc). Guess what I'm going to choose?

2011-01-09T20:46:00.001-06:00

Cutting the Chakra Cords

Whoa. I mean, powerful.

I just did my "cutting the chakra cords" ritual with Dr. T, and it was amazing. I am a strong visualizer, and this was heavy for me.

I set out two floor pillows, one for each of us to sit on. I invited him to participate, sitting opposite me. I told him what I was going to do - I took credit for most of the cords that bound us, chakra to chakra - and explained to him that I was doing this because I wanted him to be free, and I wanted to be free. I could tell that he understood, he was calm and unemotional, sitting crosslegged, quietly.

I started by just observing what the binding looked like from chakra to chakra. The first, sacral chakra is red, and there was one inch-thick dark red cord there. The sexual chakra is orange, and the cords there were a mess - about 4 1/2 inches in diameter and very active. The solar plexus is yellow, and the connection there was slight.

When I observed the green heart chakra I started to cry. It was almost as thick as the second, mostly green but with some sweet pink strands. The throat chakra is blue, and while the connection there was significant, it was much more tenuous - almost like the cord was a blue light.

The third eye chakra was indigo and definitely a cord of indigo light, and it was quite intense. Our crown chakras were connected by strands of white light.

I started unraveling the cords beginning at the top, and found that I needed a virtual dagger to completely sever the cord. As I progressed slowly down the chakras I became more and more emotional - I could literally feel an openness as the cords were cut. Cutting through the cords of the heart chakra was a very sad experience, and at that point I looked back at the previous 3 to see if I'd missed anything, and I had. Even as I cut the heart chakra cords I could see small green and pink light cords snaking out from him to me - I cut each one.

The sexual chakra was like cutting a tree root. In fact, I wonder if I actually did completely sever it! It was massive and dense compared to the light-like cords above it. And the red root chakra cord was the densest of all - and also really hard to cut. I had to exchange the dagger for a hatchet on that one.

I found my scissors and had to snip some small cords that had re-formed in most of the earlier chakras - and the orange sexual chakra cord had almost completely re-formed. I ended up pounding the damned thing into oblivion, and hurt my right hand in the process. Karate chopping the carpet isn't recommended if you're a musician with a huge concert to play on Weds!

I was in tears off and on during this process, saying a few words to Dr. T from time to time. I was startled at how "clean" I felt as I finished up - as though I'd gotten myself back somehow.

I ended by telling him that if he wanted to call we could start over, but felt that he was not going to do that, I pranamed to him, saying "namaste", and as I bowed to him he stood up, walked down the stairs, opened the door and left. I saw him pull up the collar of his jacket against the cold wind, and heard him descending the stairs.

I got up and worked with the qi of the area to make sure that he was gone. I went into the kitchen and took the dishes out of the dishwasher.

Before the ritual I had been feeling really sad about him not contacting me - yes, that's how I was still feeling - now not so much. I still hope that he will call eventually, but don't really hold out much hope. In my visualization he didn't seem particularly interested... but that's just my visualization.

If the man is at all sensitive to energy, I'm sure he will have felt this. It was powerful, as I said. Given how dedicated he is to the life of the mind, I imagine that he's not very sensitive, but you never know. After all, he was attracted to me (and I'm still one of his favorites on match - though you can have *55* favorites there! LOL)

2011-01-09T14:51:00.002-06:00

Mind. Blown.

In early December 2010 I had a session with Da Guru™ where we talked about what needed to change in me to attract the love that I need and want. Last night I finally got around to listening to the mp3, but only after having my ass kicked once again in the love department. That’s actually overstating the situation, but from the Younger SolSionnachs’ points of view, that’s what happened.

My mind was blown by several points D.G. made, but one in particular stands out for me today: that when two people have any kind of connection, there exists a “contract” of sorts between them. In some ways I’m reminded of the New Agers’ simplistic take on Quantum Physics’ non-location theory, but I think D.G. is coming from more of a Vedic perspective - underneath it all, we are ALL ONE. But I digress…

In a nutshell, his point is that “all people, in their LOVE for us, give us the experiences that we expect”. In my case, I expected two things of “Dr. T” - that I would not have the chance to meet him (we met online), and that he would abandon me. (I expect abandonment in relationships with men.) Both things have happened, and as D.G. would say - “in Dr. T’s love for me, he gave me the experience of abandonment that I expected from him”. There is also a corollary - I gave Dr. T something that he expected, but I’m not going to speculate on that, because it’s none of my business.

This is true of every relationship we have - there always is a contract - and if that’s the case, then THERE IS NO BLAME! Dr. T gave me the experience I expected of him - he bailed - so how can I possibly be upset with him? And he did it out of love for me (love in the metaphysical sense, not the emotional or spiritual or god forbid physical sense).

AND, if that is true, then each and every one of us have the complete power to CHANGE OUR EXPERIENCE with people. All we have to do is uncover and change our underlying belief systems… or simply work with affirmations until they become our new belief systems. Now that’s good news! I no longer have to be held hostage to failed ways of relating to men!

One other point. A group of us have been talking about guilt and shame - defining guilt as an emotion that tells you that you’ve violated your or society’s standards, and shame as taking on guilt from another person. I started the conversation by saying that every time I went online and saw that Dr T had been there, and hadn’t contacted me, I felt shame because I was interested in someone who wasn’t interested in me. Given the above definition of shame, my question was “whose guilt am I taking on?”

My friend G thinks that it’s the guilt of family sexual secrets - and that could be part of the case. However, I feel quite strongly that a large part of it is Dr. T’s guilt for not doing as he said he would and calling me when he returned from Christmas vacation. In other words, I feel shame because of his violation of society’s norms of behavior, which impacts our budding relationship - in fact, it ends it. And yes, I acknowledge that society’s norms of polite behavior have been diluted over the years. I believe that my point still stands. And if I can lovingly give his guilt back to him, where it belongs, then I don’t have to feel that shame. I can see that he hasn’t contacted me and know that any emotional charge around that has absolutely nothing to do with me or anything that I’ve done wrong. I just took him at his word - which it turns out wasn’t worth the pixels it was written on.

So the steps are 1) identify that the emotion one is feeling is shame, 2) determine whose guilt one has taken on as shame, and 3) gently give that person back their guilt, and walk away, FREE.

2011-01-05T22:49:00.002-06:00

The Joke is on ME

Yep, the joke is on me. The past 2 weeks have been god-awful, painful, and not worth repeating here. But yes, the Joke is on ME, I'm an effing fool, it appears.

Nothing to see here. Time to just move on.

2010-12-21T16:30:00.002-06:00

Winter Solstice, 2010

THE ONLY WAY I COULD GET THE LOVE I NEEDED, IN THE WAY I WANTED IT, WAS TO IMAGINE IT.
This was my first lesson, as a child. When what I imagined didn’t come true, I would feel great shame that there was something wrong with me - other people seemed to get what they wanted, why not ME? There must be something wrong with me, some deep dark shameful secret, that was obvious to everyone but me. And yet I persevered. I tried - no, how I worked! - to get love in the only way I knew how. And in the process I alienated myself more and more from my true self, which is totally deserving of love. I have literally lost YEARS of my life in fantasy, as it was the only way I felt I could get what I wanted. And I’ve lost YEARS in awful relationships as well, because I felt that a bad relationship was better than none at all.

At all times I’ve done the best I could… and today I give myself the gift of experiencing a different way. A wholehearted way, the way of vulnerability with another human being.

For whatever reason, today I am truly open and grounded in my own life. I fully expect that I will be sharing it with someone special in the coming year - living a Dance of Intimacy - and until that time I will be giving MYSELF that nurturing that I so long to give to another. And I will LOVE myself for it, and will not allow myself to be hooked into something that is simply adequate. Today I vow to myself that I will Love, Honor, and Cherish myself from this day forward. There are many self-defeating behaviors that I have indulged in, which I now turn away from, and many self-care behaviors that I have not practiced, which I now embrace.

I look forward with excitement to stretching my wings! It is time to fly!

2010-12-20T21:11:00.005-06:00

The Long and the Short of it

Spiritually, Match.com has brought up issues for me - healed some, irritated some, brought some to a pus-filled head - and I'm dealing with them as best I can. The first man I (sort of) got to know was a catalyst for restarting my long moribund prayer life, which is a boon beyond understanding. I discovered that if I ask Spirit/The Universe for a sign I damned well get one, particularly when I ask for a clue by four. The past couple of days have had me back in prayer - NOT on my knees - on my feet, arms outstretched, palms up to the heavens.

Last night I had a loooong Skype call with Gayle, and during same I realized that I have a DEEP desire to be there for a partner, through thick and thin. Yes, I've been fixated on someone I'll call Dr. T, but that could change easily once we meet. While praying last night (and continuing to release Dr. T and any other man who comes my way from my expectations - better to see what IS with them) it suddenly occurred to me that I needed to release my strong desire to partner, to the Universe as well, trusting that Spirit is better at fulfilling that Desire than I've proven to be. Doing so brought great relief.

Of course, things always look different in the light of day, and today has been hellish. I'd sent Dr. T an email, and he hasn't answered, HORRORS. (Hey, there's another one of those expectations!) I mean, it's days before Christmas, he's going away for the holidays v. soon (after having just got back from a business trip), we've never even talked on the phone, much less MET, and I'm strung out because he didn't take the 30 minutes to craft an email to me? It doesn't help that Match says that he's been on there - though it's "Online Now!" indication isn't necessarily all that accurate. Well, I am the Center of My Universe, right? ::rolling eyes at self::

So I sat down for another prayer session this afternoon, and after calling down blessings on the heads of much of my family and friends, I asked for blessings for myself... and the floodgates opened. Oh My God, I am so incredibly distraught. I cried for how alone I feel, how alone I am.

I'm not sure that I can exactly remember what I prayed for, except that it was for a man who loves me unconditionally, who I can love unconditionally. I asked that it be unmistakable to me who that man is. I told Spirit that while I did want it to be Dr. T, I asked that all my expectations and needs be removed from him - all the baggage I've piled on his head. He certainly does not need or deserve that. And I also do not need to be fixated on him. Though, in truth, I am.

I said that it's not necessary to have my answer tomorrow, next week, next month - but please, yes, next year.

When I look at Dr. T with an understanding of things metaspiritual, I realize that he is pinging many of my issues. As Da Guru would say, "in his love for me he is mirroring back what I (consciously and unconsciously) expect him to do". Now, there are seemingly good reasons for him not calling me, when he's had my phone number since 12/11/10 - OMG. Like a former boyfriend, he's been very busy. Out of town, going out of town for the holidays, trying to get ready to do the same. Sheesh. Boy, is THAT familiar. The only thing different: he told me on 12/11/10 that his life would be crazy until January, when he will have much more time. I think this is a significant difference, particularly as we aren't even in a relationship at this time, vs. the former BF who did that even though we were exclusive.

My friend Gayle is suggesting to me that I trust Dr. T. He said the above, and he's sticking with it. If that trust proves to be misplaced, go with that.

Concerning a previous guy, my other friend K said this:

It's not about X at all, you know. It's about _you_. Your reactions, your expectations, your habitual thoughts, your beliefs. X is just a lesson for you to work on. If you do your homework, he may very well be the one - or not. The point is not _him_, specifically, but what you really, really want and whether or not you'll let yourself have it.

You want love; you want to belong to someone. The Universe is trying to get you to be ready for it, as in respond to it with love - not fear. A huge amount of trust in that, and I am the last person to give you advice on that. :-) I do know this: You can respond to anything with love, even utter crap. Try it. It's downright fun to experience what happens next!

Okay, woman... I'm going to take your advice and deep-six the fear. I'm going to trust in Spirit/The Universe, and look forward to what happens next with JOY. Might as well... the other certainly hasn't served me. I'm also going to get back to GRATITUDE... didn't I post about that a short while back?

Oh, and I certainly give thanks for my friends!

2010-12-14T13:04:00.006-06:00

The Wheel Keeps Turning

Last week was a blast! It was a week off from the symphony, and I had more stuff to do and people to see than ever! It was big fun, finally.

Christmas is approaching, and I think that I'm finally able to begin to define my spirituality. Joining EH and Match was a bit of a catalyst, as one of the important things considered in making matches is one's religion. I had checked "Spiritual but not Religious", but upon further thinking, that isn't the whole story. So I checked "Christian: Other" (which usually means Interdenominational), and added this under "My Religion":

There are many paths to the mountain, and mine is a Naturalistic Christianity; Nature is my Cathedral. I believe in Original Blessing, the Divine Spark within All Beings, whether human, animal, plant, or mineral. All are one within the Divine.

I would've liked to expound further, but there is a 200 character limit, so that's all she wrote.

Yes, there is another guy that I'm interested in there - who is currently off at a 16,000-person Geophysical conference in San Francisco. I'm having a hard time keeping my shirt on with this one - I'm very excited and anxious to meet him! I hope we'll have a chance to meet before Christmas, but somehow I don't think that's going to happen, as he will be traveling back to the West Coast where his family lives. Okay, enough about G, and more about my process.

I had a session last Thursday with my ass-kicking Guru, Ken. He strongly believes that when one is ready for True Love™, it will arrive effortlessly, so we are working with affirmations to help me clear old beliefs about love from my childhood. Beliefs like love is scarce, I don't deserve love, I'll never find love, etc etc etc. Currently I have a lot of positive feelings about meeting someone who turns my crank (and whose crank is turned by Yours Truly), and while it is a bit conflated with G right now, if that doesn't work out I will not let it damp my enthusiasm. I am CERTAIN that I will find love very soon, and the finding will be effortless. I have never been as happy and confident in my life as I am right now!

One of the affirmations I'm working with is "Money and Love come to me effortlessly through many people and places at once". Or something like that. I can't find the notecard that I wrote it down on! (You should see my desk. On second thought, you shouldn't see it!) This is going to be very big for me, because once again the economy is attacking the symphony, and the symphony is attacking the musicians financially very soon. Blood, meet turnip. So: money and love come to me effortlessly through many people and places at once!

2010-12-02T15:37:00.004-06:00

Welcoming Myself Back

It's a beautiful December day, and I just got back from walking the dog - she's well, thank you! - while wearing shirtsleeves. Such is Winter in South Texas.

There's actually a lot to catch up on, but I'll stick to the most recent goings on for now. Just over a month ago I joined eHarmony and Match.com... things started out slowly with both, but for now Match.com seems to work much better for me. I bought a 3-month membership with each, and today I have no idea if I'll continue with either.

I did meet a man that I really liked - we had a strong soul connection, and I rather went off the deep end. I stopped sleeping, was anxious, scared, excited ... IOW, I felt like I was 14 again. Somehow that's not becoming in a 53-year-old. I was having some difficulty with this, and on the evening of 11/17 I asked the Universe for an unmistakable sign within 24 hours concerning the gentleman, and the direction I needed to go. The very next morning he disappeared... after 18 or so days he went from 20 emails/day to zip. I was stunned, horrified, and brokenhearted. MY POOR FRIENDS!! You can't imagine how much talking has happened since 11/18!

We were friends on FB, and after a bit I decided to email him something which would allow him to move closer if he wanted to.. and he didn't. So I sent him a "may it be well with your soul" type email, and his response? "ditto". Um, can we be more brusque than that? So, of course, I'm quite sad today.

However, I am glancing up whilst licking my wounds and thinking, "Hm. What's next?" (besides the several men who are interested in meeting me online. None as interesting as above dude, but oh well.) While walking the K9 I thought about blogging again... wow... I actually have stuff to document once again in my life! So here I am.

I don't know if I've ever talked about my attraction to things serpently, but some things have happened around that recently that I'd like to mention. First of all, in 3rd/4th grade or so I made a ring out of wire - a coiled serpent - and about 15 years ago I took that ring (which I'd kept nearby for all those years!) to a jeweler, and had it made into a 14K gold ring. I wear it at all times when I'm out of the house. (The original has disappeared - I guess it's not needed.) Then in 1985 I discovered Quetzalcoatl on a trip to Mexico City and fell in love again - and by 1994 I'd learned all I could about MesoAmerican religion, and had written a couple of very personal poems about QC. No, I'm not sharing them, so don't bother asking! Then in 2002 or so I was researching Vedic Astrology, and learned that my Ascendant was in the Nakshatra Ashlesha the Serpent. Yes, it sounds like a hellish placement from that link, I'd like to think that I'm the exception that proves the rule.

Then just 2-3 days ago I was looking into 2012/Mayan calendar sites, and found this page where you can find out what your Mayan day-sign is... and wouldn't you know it, it's 11 Chicchan/Kan - the Serpent, also called the Feathered Serpent! I was wowed by that realization..

Now, Serpent energy is not an easy energy to live with, and I can definitely attest to that. However, this last bit of info has tipped the scales irrevocably - I'm going to be seriously looking into Serpent Energy for quite a while. I'm not sure how much I'll write about it, though. But it will be there.

2009-10-21T18:22:00.004-05:00

The Spree Ends Now

I have a long posting about Canine Evolution (!) coming up, but I've spent too much time on the computer today, so that will have to wait.

Today I spent a great amount of time inputting financial stuff into Quicken, and the result was rather unpleasant. I was quite the good girl all summer (even with the 2 driving vacations), but it all went to heck last month, with the dog being sick (over $800), the car needing servicing (over $600), and this terrific Dell Mini ($300). I also spent $$ on books and have started buying Xmas gifties, but that's less stuff that needs to be bought later on this year.

I'm glad that the dog is fine (that was also incredibly stressful), and $600-700 spent on the car still beats the heck out of car payments. The Mini is supposed to be used in my practice, so I'd better get my credit card stuff up and running (for web-based billing). Perhaps I'll do that tomorrow.

I still have another $1100 or so toward my practice that I need to spend: my TX license and malpractice insurance. I think that adding the insurance will insure (!) that I don't make a profit again this year.... but then my taxes will be less.

The biz is going quite well - I could still handle a lot more patients per week, but I have a steady stream of work - I'm so excited to be helping people. I love the interaction and the time with people. I just need to get my income up by seeing more patients - and having credit cards and malpractice insurance is part of that. As I often say, you've got to spend some money to make some money.

I'm also enjoying the symphony (!!!!) and the opera again, and have even decided to serve on the opera's orchestra committee, if elected. For whatever reason I'm just settling into my life - and I've even had some time to do some meditation. Or I should say that I've *taken* some time to do some meditation.

2009-10-13T18:43:00.003-05:00

Fox

I'm not sure what happened to me recently - I had a series of rather intense dreams, and suddenly I'm a new woman! I don't know how the heck that happened, but believe me, I'm not questioning it. As a result I've made some changes that are making great sense to me, and I just want to document them here.

First of all, I now have purple highlights in my (shorter) hair. As a Leo rising, I tend to like being the center of attention, but this has been too much for the Virgo in me. I didn't realize how much I value being able to be anonymous in public, and that's not possible anymore. People see the hair and respond - all the time. Just now I had a (incredibly handsome) foreign dude who was working in a convenience store flirt with me! That has never happened to me before. I almost didn't know what to do. I was shocked to have such a handsome man pay attention to me.

Second, I'm in the process of changing my online nick from sravana to SolSionnach. This is where the "Fox" of the title of this post comes from (not from the purple hair!) Sravana is my Vedic Moon sign, and frankly, it means nothing to me anymore. I tried to do the Vedic thing a while back, and it made no sense to me. Lately I've been heading in an increasingly Druidic direction, and Sionnach is Gaelic for "fox" - Sol, unsurprisingly, is Latin for "sun" (Sun in Gaelic is Solas, but that was too long). I'm now SolSionnach on Aeclectic Tarot, and on the OBOD message boards (though I haven't posted there yet). I chose the fox for my name because I've had a connection to foxes since childhood (IIRC I posted about this a while back), and I liked the Gaelic name. BTW, Sionnach is pronounced Sho-nakh.

Third, I'm going through and throwing away... stuff. It started a couple of weeks ago (when I was having tachycardia from too much caffeine), as I was going through my closet and pulling stuff out. There is more that needs pulling, but if I pulled it all out today I would be walking around in bra and panties and almost nothing else. (Now THERE'S a scary thought!)

Fourth, last night I put Apple OSX on my Dell Mini 10v - and it's working! I'm absolutely amazed by this; I think I've earned my geek stripes, don't you think? Of course, I couldn't've done it without the guys at MyDellMini.com. They made this process almost foolproof. I love this little machine, and it feels much faster with Snow Leopard than it was with XP.

Since I last blogged the dog was very sick with who knows what, but she's back to 100% now and is even playing after breakfast again. I was a total mess while she was sick (imagine that), but now we're both back to normal.

I also wanted to blog about a book I'm reading (all about Canine evolution!!), but that will have to wait for another day. I need to set up Mail so I can read and reply to emails here.

2009-09-30T23:08:00.002-05:00

Still not working,

because nothing has changed. Life has been rather eventful and full of emo (sick dog), but I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about my life not working.

Sometimes I think that I simply need much more free time than most folks. I have never been able to sustain busy 8-hour days for some reason. In that way the symphony is the perfect job for me - we don't have that much time in rehearsal or performance - and after 30 years I'm pretty attuned to a relaxed lifestyle. Relaxed, and punctuated with moments of hysteria, that is.

Keera's comment on a post below about hooking up with a life coach is intriguing. My problem is that I have no unifying vision for my life... I'm just drifting through day by day, doing what comes to my attention, and I feel that my lack of social contacts and support, while familiar, might come back to bite me in the behind as I get older. In fact, I know it stands a good chance of doing just that. But I'm so comfortable living a relaxed life - even though my mind runs circles around it and spends too much time being upset that I'm not making something of myself... or some such.

Is this really a problem? Is it really a problem that I'm so... for lack of a better word... lazy? Am I lazy, or simply depressed or lacking belief in myself? Do I avoid putting myself out there because I'm afraid of failure? Or feel that it's no use?

Or afraid of success? (an eyebrow goes up). Hmmm. Because success would cramp my style. Would I rather mosey through life poor, instead of applying myself, succeeding, and not having the free time I crave?

I wonder how little I could work and still have a comfortable life.

Which reminds me of an interview on the Theater of the Mind podcast with Marc Allen, where he talks about affirming being successful without having a type-A lifestyle. This bears more thought.

(The interesting thing is that even though I don't work my @$$ off, I have all that I need and more... raises eyebrow again)

2009-09-19T14:44:00.003-05:00

Breathe, darn it!

So, last night I was feeling pretty good, even meditated for a bit. Then I went to bed... and couldn't fall asleep. Well, I could, but then I would wake up with a start, because I'd stopped breathing. This went on for over 2.5 hours.

I was nervous about taking something to help me fall asleep, I figured that my autonomic nervous system wasn't working so well, wouldn't an anti-anxiety drug just make it worse? Then I remembered: the times that I've had this symptom have been high-stress times. So I took 1/2 of my Ativan, browsed the Druid Plant Oracle book, and eventually fell asleep. For 4.5 hours. The upshot: I was holding my breath in my sleep.

Ms. B's sleep was disturbed by me (poor dear), and this afternoon when I came back from treating patients I found that her incontinence issue has sprung a leak again. :\ Ah well, I have meds for her for that, too.

Keera's response to my previous post was spot on - and a big part of my stressful disarray seems to be because I need to take a leap of faith and not look back. i.e. believe in myself enough to quit the symphony, and maybe even move to another city. One thing at a time, I guess.

I do love the fall - this is a time of year for beginnings for me: my birthday, the annual school year starting, the symphony's season starting - and I'm up for a lot of change right now. New clothes, new stuff around the house, getting rid of stuff, finding a mate (?)... and a new life. *With* the dog. She needs to know that she's not optional!

2009-09-18T20:49:00.003-05:00

My life is not working

This summer I spent a lot of time lolling around - being laid off has a way of making that possible. I was able to make two lovely vacations to the mountains. I jumped on the iPod Touch bandwagon (ostensibly to be able to listen to podcasts during my drive) , and had great fun buying various apps to play around with. Talk about a time waster! Mercy.

I ended up becoming very tense in my shoulders because of playing with the Touch, and chose to ignore the pain and continue playing games (Yes. This now 52-year-old is playing iPod games.) Then work started up again, and I was more and more stressed. I hadn't played my instruments at all since July 4th; I found myself having an IBS flareup, and had a perfectly frightening reaction to caffeine this Thursday a week ago. Time to just say "no" to that cup o' joe.

The very next day my dog stopped greeting me when I came home. She acted very unhappy.. but would perk up when I took her outside. This went on for days, with me hoping that this or that would make her feel better. Finally I took her to the vet for tests yesterday - and most everything was normal.

So I sat down and had a talk with her, and it seems that she is scared about me. After all, I went from lolling around (classic avoidance behavior for me), to frantically having stomach cramps, practicing, running off at all hours to work - and I also tore apart my closet whilst having tachycardia episode. I think that she's just been wondering what the hell has been going on.

Me too.

Today in rehearsal I realized (again) that my life is simply not working. I can go for days without talking to anyone on the phone, save my parents. I have a very small handful of RL friends, and haven't had any kind of opposite-sex attention for over 2 1/2 years. All that feels normal to me, but it's not working. I cannot live like this. No (wo)man is an island and all that... and if it wasn't for Ms. B, I'd have no reason to get out of bed in the morning, or so it seems.

I was struck by how UGLY living in the city is the other day. I was driving home from rehearsal, looking at all the grimy cars and streets... all of us hurtling around from one thing to the next... and for what? I go to work so I can eat (and maybe buy a MacBook when they next update!), not for any overwhelming love of what I do (symphony-wise, that is). I did enjoy treating a patient this morning (and will again tomorrow morning), so that's all good.

But this is just not working for me, and it's time I sat down and figured out what I WANT in life, rather than just drifting from day to day, playing video games and getting fat.

2009-05-22T00:56:00.003-05:00

Keera didn't tag me, but here I go anyway

A - Age: It's not polite to ask women their age, when they are my age.

B - Bed size: Full.

C - Chore you hate: All of them.

D - Dog's name: Ms. Blossom Opossom

E - Essential to start your day: Tottering to the toilet, then taking the dog out, first thing.

F - Favorite color: All of them. Even Brown.

G - Gold or Silver: Both.

H - Height: Afraid of (me too!). Almost 5'1". (154.94 cm)

I - Instruments you play: Flute/piccolo. Radio. CD player.

J- Job: Musician/acupuncturist. Or is it Acupuncturist/musician. Or fortuneteller??

K - Kid(s): None. Thank heavens.

L - Living arrangements: Living with a dog.

M - Mom's name: Carma

N - Nicknames: 'Vana

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: One night, after having tonsils out at 32. Yes, it hurt!

P - Pet Peeve: No, the pet is blossom.

Q - Quote from: I don't ever remember quotes.

R - Right or left handed: Right, mostly.

S - Siblings: None. I got all the crazy.

T - Time you wake up: days off: 9:30. Work days: 8:00.

U- Underwear (boxer/briefs): French cut briefs.

V - Vegetable you dislike: Most of them. I eat them when I have to.

W - Ways you run late: Sitting at the computer. All. The. Time.

X - X-rays you've had: Chest, hand, teeth.

Y - Yummy food you make: None. I don't cook.

Z - Zoo favorite: Tigers and red foxes. Both are so purty!

2009-05-09T13:57:00.003-05:00

Who are we?

From time to time I stop by Robin Artisson's blog, and while he's usually way too wordy for me, this afternoon I read the below, and wanted to share it.

Who are we? Restless spirits that become fascinated with trees or snowy lanes? With houses and children? With mysteries or passion? I think that description is adequate in ways. What force drove us to our present passions and fixations? Whatever power did, I think that no force less than the original will serve to drive us onward to new destinies. In every jewel-like vision of the world, dark or light, full of snow or thirsty scrubland, crowned with houses and buildings or towering mountains, I feel that something has been embedded- a secret sketch of Fate- showing us all, whatever our situation, the secret pattern under destiny's plow.

(from here)

As he did months ago (sorry, no link, don't remember when!), Robin stirred me with his words. Of course, this carries on from my latest post, where I wondered what the heck I was all about. I'll be happy if this is a mid-life crisis, because then I'll live to 102. Perhaps by then I'll have it figured out.

I wrote last time: Regret that I never knew myself, regret that I never amounted to much, regret that few will even notice if I was gone.

As I looked at that again today, I realized that I really REALLY need to pay attention to that. Yesterday I had a 3-hour quasi-lesson with a colleague, and ended up feeling much better about my audition prospects (though completely, irrevocably exhausted)... and I promptly forgot about what I wrote two days ago. No wonder I don't know who I am.

OTOH, as my colleagues say, one needs to be mightily focused to audition successfully. So, as usual, I prioritize my energy. Sort of. Haven't practiced yet today.

2009-05-07T16:49:00.005-05:00

I don't think I'm cut out for this.

In 10 days I'm auditioning for a position in a much bigger/better symphony, and I'm not ready for it. I also have no financial "Plan B" for the rest of my life - in the case that I don't win the audition. *If* I manage to make the cut to the second round (unlikely, as we speak), then I'd go back in June, and that extra 2 weeks would make a difference in how I would play.

My job here is downsizing, but by how much we don't yet know. We did take a pay cut for the next few weeks, after that we will be laid off (as we are each summer). Thank heavens for unemployment compensation! So all that is hazy, something that I just don't want to think about. The job I'm auditioning for would triple my salary. Wouldn't that be nice. No, it wouldn't be in 6 figures, not nearly (which tells you how PITIFUL my salary is where I am now.)

I haven't practiced in 6-7 years, and it shows. Taking that into consideration, I've made *amazing* progress, but it isn't likely enough to make the cut. I've been really enjoying this process, at least until the time to actually stand up in front of a committee and play it has come near. Now I'm freaking out.

So, what about acupuncture (you may ask). Yeah, what about it? I had a very unpleasant wakeup call several weeks ago, and I haven't yet dealt with the emotional fallout.

Without telling any details, I felt at some risk from a patient who came in and didn't get better immediately. At that time I had no malpractice insurance (still don't, pending the audition), and I felt horribly at risk from this woman. As of today, nothing has happened - but I find myself quite reluctant to take on that kind of responsibility in a litigious society. I have had a few new patient queries, but nothing has come of them.

Today as I was walking to the car after playing for a couple of my colleagues, my friend opened up her cellphone to read a text, and her face just lit up. It was a text from her boyfriend, and that's when my heart simply broke for a woman named Sravana, who has been dealing with a quite stressful life for over 50 years now, and has no one to call her own. Yeah, it's a sappy sentiment - and I'm *very* happy for my friend - but really!

Then I get home, and while perusing a medical newsletter I get, was linked to a paper on how women with depression, or using anti-depressants, have a much greater likelihood of Sudden Cardiac Death. I've been depressed all my life, on anti-depressants since 1994, have cardiac risk factors, and a family history of heart disease. Recipe for disaster, eh?

Just before I sat down to write this I took a shower, and afterward cried and cried and cried. It might be menopausal, on the one hand, but on the other - Oh Hell. Thank heavens for the critter. I don't know what I'd do without her.

All my life I've had a drive to be something special. Someone unique, well thought of, even famous! I suppose that drive came from the desire to win my parents' love and respect. When I was a child they were unavailable, due to mental illness or generalized emotional unavailability. But this afternoon I felt that I just wanted to be normal. Have a husband and 2 kids (like I could stand the responsibility for that!), a house with a garden, play the flute on the side and do art. What do I have? A too-expensive apartment, a dog, several tens of thousands of dollars in musical instruments, almost $90,000 in student loan debt, thousands of dollars in Chinese medicine books and a loom that I have no where to set up (and is probably *ruined* by now in storage), and very few RL friends (or virtual ones, for that matter). If I died today, and had my life flash before my eyes, my strongest feeling would be regret. Regret that I never knew myself, regret that I never amounted to much, regret that few will even notice if I was gone.

2009-04-25T14:46:00.003-05:00

New Moon

I have been a moon phase watcher for over 20 years. I enjoy noticing Luna's phase changes from both an astronomical and astrological point of view, but since I switched to the iMac in October I haven't had the nifty little Lunabar task bar icon to keep me abreast of the phases. However, for some reason I noticed that the moon had gone missing on Wednesday, and figured that it must be New Moon time. That phase happened yesterday - and esoterically it's a time for making new plans, changes - starting things that need to grow.

Two nights ago I read the following here (note, the link remains current, so if you're reading this after May 22 or so, the following won't appear, as it will have been updated):

During Moon-conjunct-Sun in Taurus this year, astrology shows that we are on the edge of a monumental spiritual awakening that nothing can stop. Just before the New Moon, on April 21 the Moon aligned with Venus conjunct Mars in 29 Pisces; this beautiful sight heralded a mystical awakening...

You may have been stewing in your emotional garbage during March and most of April, but that ends abruptly during this New Moon when you must get real...

Before this New Moon T-square set in, on April 19 we enjoyed the luscious green arrival of the Sun in Taurus. We soaked in love and attunement with Nature... You must realize that Nature loves you and creates you, yet many will wonder if Earth is buckling under the sheer weight of humanity. Others will feel like grasping for just one more comfort, one more way to feel secure. The arrival of this New Moon will challenge us all to truly value our planet's joy and pleasure...

As you can see in the chart, the Triple Conjunction is drawing very close during this New Moon, and this is expanding our spiritual healing. Mercury in 25 Taurus rules awareness and comprehension, and it exactly squares the Triple Conjunction; what you need to heal will be easy to identify during this New Moon. What's your big block? Where did it start? Are you doing things to heal it and get beyond it? In all spiritual traditions, taking the mantle of spiritual awareness often entails personal sacrifice. During this New Moon, look for insights concerning how our species may expand itself (Jupiter) by means of healing blocks (Chiron) that have kept us from our spiritual paths (Neptune), insights that may open during the next Great Age (Aquarius). Many of you have felt like beings of light with healing knowledge from Atlantis lurking in your cells. The Triple Conjunction is going to release this inner knowledge in direct proportion to letting ego go.

And then I started to get my spirituality back (see yesterday's post).

I don't think it's a coincidence.

I've been reading Hand Clow's books for a while now, and while she may be completely batshit-crazy, I glean something remarkable from each page. She is a Pleiadan channel (the "goddess" Satya, from Alcyone), and whatever I think of that, she walks her talk.

2009-04-24T12:12:00.004-05:00

Foxy

2009 is proving to be an intense year, don't you think? Currently we have taken a 14% cut in pay at work, there may be no work in the fall, my acubiz is miserable, I'm preparing for an audition for a big symphony job in another state, the dog has had (solved?) incontinence issues, I've been selling books on half.com, swine flu has been reported locally, and spring has arrived in South Texas.

But that isn't really what I want to blog about.

Ever since I returned to this city and the symphony, I've noticed that my spirituality has been on hold. I've a tendency to pagan/earth based spirituality, with some shamanic leanings - but I've been completely disconnected from that since the fall of 2007. I was disturbed by this, but nothing I did seemed to bring back that spiritual sense. I was resigned to the idea that it was in my past.

Yesterday I took the dog for a long walk, and following my intuition found myself in the company of 3-year-old Sravana. She is quite the survivor, and we were having a conversation about her fears, and how I'm the adult now, and she can count on me to take care of her. Immediately I noticed that a spirit fox was nearby, and that he was attached to little Sravana. She told me how much she had learned from him. From my shamanic studies I recognized that the fox is a liminal animal - living on the borders of darkness and light, dusk and dawn - and that the fox can easily fade from view. That skill would have been a tremendous boon when Sravana was little - because one never knew what was going to set off Mom, hiding made it less likely that she would be hurt. I realized that I still use fox medicine today, though it's harder for me to hide in plain sight now.

I was astonished at how easily this inner spiritual connection returned yesterday. All I had to do was open myself to the possibility and follow my intuition. What happened? Why was I able to slide back into this shamanic state so easily?

Yesterday was the New Moon. More on that tomorrow.

ETA: amazing fox video!!

2009-03-09T22:45:00.004-05:00

Cr@p

The past 10 days have been "interesting", in the manner of the Chinese curse "may you live in interesting times". (As an aside - we DO live in interesting times. Unfortunately).

I have served on a union committee for the past year, and recently (due to a jihad on the part of a colleague who sleeps with the Union President - her description, not mine) that has become untenable. Of our 5-person committee, 2 have already resigned, and I'm hoping to tenure my resignation (along with my two remaining colleagues) at the next Executive Board meeting, within 8 days. While I have put my WHOLE HEART into this work, I've loved this work, I adore working for my colleagues and making sure that the CBA (Collective Bargaining Agreement) is followed to the letter, but I absolutely cannot wait until I can resign and be done with this.

I obviously do not have the stomach or temperament to deal with office/union politics, and this has brought out an angry, avenging angel side to my personality. One can refer to this as the Inner Bitch, and let me tell you, she is raging. Not only do I want to complete my tenure, let the Union know what it needs to know and just wash my hands in the matter, I want the people responsible for the suffering that I and the rest of the committee have gone through to SUFFER. I would love to let loose with a string of profanity that would turn the air around me blue, cause the moon to wither and drop into the sea, make the earth shake and drop a meteor on the Union office - but my own sense of integrity (Virgo) won't let that happen. It's a vicious and violent anger - the kind that makes you want to fling crockery at brick walls, break chairs, tear office copiers apart, and hurl computers out of third-story windows. One colleague had to resign because the stress raised his blood pressure sky-high, and he is a stroke survivor. One colleague was up in the middle of the night last night, fuming because of the careless, cavalier, fsck-it-all attitude of the ***** who started this whole situation. One colleague resigned after getting the 2-page letter from that *****'s Union President boyfriend, saying that he didn't have time for this petty sh*t. I've barely kept another colleague from resigning - convincing him that we do need to present our work to the E-Board, and then we can wash my hands of this.

Rewind back six months - and the bargaining unit had just ratified a new CBA which called for a Union committee. Literally NO-ONE but four of us were willing to serve, and we had to beg the fifth to join us, because her department was different from the rest of us, and we really needed a representative from her department on the committee.

Do I think that the Union will be able to find another five colleagues to be their bitch? No. I think that it will take weeks of work to find another five patsys, particularly as people hear how callously we were treated. That is a comfort to me, because the @$$holes who have treated us so callously will be stuck doing the considerable amount of work that we were happy to do - for free.

It's times like this that I wish I was a practicing magickian/Pagan, because hurting someone is so so tempting. But it's just as well that I don't know much about magickal spells, because I hear that they give you back three times what you send out. Ouch.

Basically we were given enough rope to hang ourselves with, and then bitch-slapped.
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On a lighter note: I think I'm going to buy myself an iPhone this week. ::smile::

I'm also having some fun with Tarot and the Lenormand Oracle recently, after signing up for a 30-week tarot course on the TdM, and buying two more Lenormand decks. I was stunned with how accurate the Lenormand cards are. The Mystical Lenormand is becoming my favorite, though I like the Piatnik as well. The Mystical reminds me of the computer game Myst, and I may have to find a version of that game to play again on my new iMac.

2009-02-28T13:42:00.003-06:00

The Abyss winked...

The past few days I was looking into the abyss once again - and it took me a while to sort it out. The breakthrough was when I realized that it wasn't depression per se - it was a good, old-fashioned shame attack.

Which begs the question: what was I ashamed about?

Easy: I'm ashamed to be in such a mess at this age. By now most people are becoming grandparents, are looking forward to retirement, have a paid-for house, and are coming up on their 35th wedding anniversary. At least, that's what one expects for one's self in your early 50s. I have none of that - no kids, no spouse, no house, no retirement savings. And I have a job that's likely not going to exist in a few months (symphony), a business which is completely stagnant, and hardly any savings. And I'm ashamed of all of the above.

As I was driving to rehearsal today I realized that I'm actually feeling what a lot of people are feeling right now - the sudden loss of esteem caused by employment and financial stress. It's as though I'm already unemployed and struggling, because I have the foresight to see reality as it is - what's coming my way. It's as though being more practically aware is making me miserable. Of course, being so practical is enabling me to take steps to make sure that I'm not thrown out on the street - but I have to feel well enough to actually take action.

And when I'm suffering with a shame attack, taking action is practically (!) impossible.

I had a long talk with an old friend last night, and while he couldn't really help me (as I hadn't figured it out yet), it was wonderful to re-connect and catch up on our lives. We both have great things in the works. Here's hope for the future!

2009-02-27T17:57:00.002-06:00

... and the abyss stares back.

That's how I wanted to end my FB update: S has no answers, and the abyss stares back.

Nothing to see here, just carry on.

2009-02-25T20:28:00.004-06:00

Continuing...

Today I looked around to see what I could do for term life. While the coverage is about 4x what I currently have, after they take a gander at my mental/blood lipid/bone density numbers, I'm sure it will be completely unaffordable for the likes of me. I have 2 policies totaling $15,000. I don't think I need any more - I have no children, nor a spouse that needs me. So I'm thinking of cashing in the cash value of the smaller ($5000) one, and using that cash to begin to pay down my 6.8% portion of my student loan debt.

I have listed many more books for sale at half.com (look for womanwithpoodle), and they sell, one book at a time. This past weekend I actually sold two! I listed my unwanted decks at AT just now, along with 4 tarot books for $15 + shipping. Someone's interested, hope they buy them!

More on my life changes - I am convinced that the symphony is not going to survive this recession in anything like it's present pitiful shape... and I do NOT want to go down with the ship. I have a couple of options, and am working toward making at least one of them a reality. If not... No, let's not go there. There is an orchestra meeting tomorrow, and I'll know more then (if I can stomach to go to the meeting).

First - I did hear of a colleague who wanted an acupuncture associate. We talked and it sounded positive, but he hasn't yet responded to two emails and a phone call. I'm ready to write that off.

Second - part-time work from home as a medical transcriptionist. I'm not sure how good the money is, but I do enjoy working with the computer, and with my education and smarts should have no trouble landing a good gig. Maybe I'm pie in the sky here, but I bet I could live on 20/hours/week if the symphony was still around.

Third - I'm going to offer my services to area spas as an acupuncturist. A friend commented that none of the spas in her area were interested, but I'm going all out to make a good impression (portfolio-wise) with a girlfriend to help me out on the presentation front.

Fourth - my biz. I have NOT given it what I've needed to, and it shows. But I'm convinced that it's doable, but I'd need some kind of cushion while working on it. I thought I had that with the symphony, but that job is a HELL of a psychic drain - eminently unhelpful. I've been struggling with my own acu technique - working with Toyohari has not been spectacular, so I'm back to the drawing board with Chinese Acupuncture (by Morant). Not a problem in the least.

My *big* decision is where to move. It would cost me $1400 in fees to break my lease (and that would go on my credit rating!), so I'm stuck here through the 16th of September 2009. Tomorrow morning I'm going to amble over to the next apartment complex and see what their rates are like - I was thinking they would be lower, but I spoke to someone over their and they sound comparable, unfortunately. I don't want to live in a dump!

But... while I was visiting my parents I got a bee in my bonnet. They have been living in a 5th wheel travel trailer for 13-14 years, and mostly loving it. Lots of living light on the land, because you don't have room for so much *stuff*. A Motorhome looks like this, a class C looks like this, a 5th-wheel looks like this, while a travel trailer looks like this. Now, I certainly could not afford a Motorhome, Class C, or a 5th wheel... but I might be able to swing a travel trailer... to LIVE in. Used, of course. No way would I buy anything new.

Other than the cost of the trailer, there is the electricity/propane/rental of wherever you park. There is a wonderful park just outside the city where my parents have spent some time, and the monthly cost would run about $375. Gas would be a problem for the commute into town, but if I wasn't with the symphony, and was working as a medical transcriptionist part time and coming into town 2-3 days a week to work at the spa... I think that would be very very cool!

2009-02-23T10:46:00.003-06:00

Glimmers

I've had an interesting time with my folks. Last night I keyed into a deep sadness, and decided to walk with the dog. It was darkening, but was not yet as chilly. As I made the first round it brought to mind another time - back in 2003 when I was similarly walking the dog in a circle around the travel trailers where my folks were parked, trying to decide if I should commute to school from SA, or move to Austin. As I mulled that question over and over I suddenly realized that it was, in fact, the wrong question.

The right question was "what do I want my life to look like 5 years from now?".

I can't answer that question yet, but it certainly addresses my recent malaise and directionlessness. I don't know where I'm going, so I don't know what to do with myself. Simple answer: figure out where I'm going!

Last night I was reading this book: Chinese Acupuncture ... it's a veritable *tome* of a book (896pp. 5.2 lbs!) and is not an easy read. That being said, the author was a Frenchman who studied acupuncture in China before the revolution (which declared it "backwards" and forbade it). It's an exciting book for an acupuncturist, but a very hard slog, as it is poorly organized. I had a classmate who swore by this book and the techniques it teaches, but was unable to teach it to anyone else in a coherent manner. I gave up, and switched to Toyohari (which I'm now having second thoughts about...). Interestingly, the Morant book peaks my interest, as well as this book on Classical 5 Element acupuncture. I think that I have a boatload of Asian Medicine reading to do as I figure out what I want my life to look like.

2009-02-19T12:18:00.003-06:00

Resume

I've heard great things about being a Medical Transcriptionist, and I think that might be the ticket to making some extra $$$ during this economic downturn. I've done some googling, and am working up a resume. I hope that I qualify with my Oriental Medicine training, and don't have to take any more classes!

This would help me have a soft landing as I work on my acu biz and as a musician. I've been thinking about this for some time, and finally got my act in gear to start looking into it.

And - I have to call the acupuncturist who is looking for an associate again.

Good times!

2009-02-18T23:24:00.002-06:00

???

I tried to blog tonight, but I'm giving up. I don't know who I am these days, or where my life is going. I'm worried about my day job, about my non-existent business - but I still spent a heck of a lot of money on stuff that I don't need in the past 2 days.

I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but when my Dad sends me emails about how Obama is a narcissist it rather gets me down. How in heaven's name can one keep a positive attitude when everyone believes that the world is going down the cr@pper?

I don't want to be a pie-in-the-sky, fingers in ears "la la la I can't hear you" "everything is just peachy" loon, but then again I don't want to be looking for a terrorist under every shrub, and expecting to be thrown out on the street several times a week.

How the heck does anyone find BALANCE in this environment!

2009-01-28T17:37:00.001-06:00

1/20/2009

Here are some more grand photos from Inauguration Day. I particularly liked the pic of the Pakistanis celebrating. Who would've thought.

More later...

2009-01-24T15:17:00.001-06:00

Trip

Out of town with no internet service for a few days...

2009-01-21T12:21:00.003-06:00

Thoth Tarot reading

Not to turn this into a tarot blog, but if I'm going to actually study the tarot, I need to do readings and blog about them.
I am studying the Thoth tarot for now - I've signed up for a course using the Noblet TdM starting in March.

My question: how do I deal with my inertia - my inability to just *do* what I need and want to get done?
3 cards: the Cause of the Problem, the Nature of the Problem, the Solution to the Problem.

Cause of the Problem: Queen of Disks
I notice that this queen is typically majestic in her bearing, but she's looking backwards into a barren desert-like vista. There is a river running through it, and all the palm trees seem to be in sets of three. Capricorn's goat stands next to her, balancing himself high on a disc of sorts. The greenery around her comprises her throne, and bends around her in a protective manner.

I see this card as indicating that my inertia has to do with my tendency to look to the past, seeing how bleak it was, and projecting that to the future. In fact, by dwelling on the past, I make my future in it's image. A bleak image, at that.

Nature of the Problem: Princess of Swords
Oh my. Where the Queen is passive in her attitude, the Princess is violently active. She is sailing through the air, with the Thoth 4-sided "crystal" in front of her. This crystal appears throughout the Swords suit - and in Thoth the Swords are Air and have to do with thought in it's most unemotional and cutting meaning. I look at this card and suddenly see the Princess tilting at windmills - to much going on, too many choices, and indeed, there is really no "enemy" there. There is a tendency in my to stay in my head and froth about with choices, ideas - generally too many at a time. So I am overwhelmed by my swirling thoughts, and unable to see my way ahead.

Solution to the Problem: Knight of Wands
This Knight is a real go-getter. He's all Fire, and has mastery of whatever he's doing. When I look at the three cards in sequence, I see motion from passive, through flailingly active, to directionally active. That being said, they are all facing to the left - the direction of the past. I intuit that my inertia has to do with my past - experiences and conclusions that I drew from those experiences which I haven't dealt with properly. The Knight's horse is LEAPING up - Jump in with both feet. Just do it. No, I don't really see this Knight as a "Nike" guy, but I think that's a big part of the message here.

The cards also literally show my astrological chart - I have Virgo/earth Sun (Queen of Disks), Aquarius/air Moon (Princess of Swords) and am Leo/fire rising (Knight of Wands).

Another thing I notice is that there are 2 female cards in the Problem, and a male card in the Solution - while the Princess is active, it seems that calling upon my Animus ( in Jungian terms) for help with this intertia could be a big part of the solution.

I also previously drew a Card of the Day - the Magus

(Wow, that card on taroteca has an interesting border! I've never seen a Thoth card with a border like that!)
The Magus is all about making things happen, he has everything he needs at his disposal, and he's playful. Me? I'm very very very serious. Time to play? Note: the Magician has the astrological attribution of Mercury - the ruler of my Sun in Virgo.

Lots of connections here - I think I'm going to love working with this deck again!

2009-01-20T17:37:00.003-06:00

Life appears to be

... what happens when you least expect it.
My left thumb has been "triggering" in the morning for a couple of weeks now. Frankly, I messed it up with too much knitting and craft work. On Sunday night I realized that the moxa-ing that I was doing was not helping, so I made an appointment to go see an upper limb specialist that I know.

Her first words after examining me: "You can have a steroid injection or you can have surgery."

Obviously, I opted for the former, and I'm also wearing a wee splint on my thumb. It's not fun. I'm also off of work for 2 weeks, we'll re-evaluate in February.

Having your hands injected is a pretty unpleasant experience, especially when you're a musician, and I was rather traumatized. It's a very painful injection, even with the lidocaine injection first. I was treated to the numb "balloon thumb" feeling afterwards, due to the numbness.

Then last night I must've eaten something that disagreed with me, because I had some pretty unpleasant gastric symptoms. And when I finally went to bed, I was having very distressing palpitations. Now, I'm no stranger to palpitations - I've had them for years - but this was the kind where you can feel your heart's every beat, and it was speeding up when I would inhale, and slow down drastically when I would exhale. I've noticed that before (though not for a while), and while it was annoying, the most important thing was that it kept me from falling asleep for HOURS. The last time I looked at the clock it was 2:15 am, and I know that I was up at least another hour. Bother! Eventually I got up and placed tiny magnets on several acupoints (they are made for just that), and that gave me a lessening of symptoms. I'm still wearing them right now.

Today I'm tired, and my heart is beating fast. That is what happens after I get less than 5 1/2 hours of sleep in a night.

When I thought about having 2 weeks of, I thought of all the stuff I could get done. But with the way I'm feeling today, things are not happening.
Oh, I did order a large-size Thoth deck. For some reason it's not available many places, and the rumor mill indicates that the new ones that are coming out aren't nearly as well-printed. So... I guess I convinced myself that I needed it.

Then again, we have a NEW PRESIDENT! I'm amazed at how much he's aged since September. May the Source of all Life bless and uphold him.

2009-01-18T20:01:00.001-06:00

Plans

I had a long walk this afternoon with the dog - it was over 70 degrees today, after having much lower temperatures this past week. I was full of new ideas, planning where I wanted to be in a year, etc... and then it struck me. Not 4 days ago I was practically suicidal, because I just could not find any way to even begin to think about what needed to be done to move ahead in my life. I was completely stuck, and for someone like me who needs to move forward - I'm always growing and adapting - it was total hell. And all it took was 35mg more of Wellbutrin, equaling 110 mg total. For most people, 150 mg is the starting dose.

So, today while on my walk I was full of ideas, and even thought that I needed to make some notes to myself using my cell phone, so that I could remember what I wanted to do. I thought I could remember it all. But no! I just get home and move into another zone, and all my thoughts/plans just evaporated. So I'm going to take some time to journal here, and perhaps then I'll remember what I came to do. I may get out my old Dell laptop and take it to my bedroom. I seem to hit the wall with the Mac (not to mention that the keyboard is getting on my nerves.)

Just a few days ago I was planning on hitting the flute audition trail again, but today I don't feel that is going to be necessary or even helpful.

When I think about what truly interests me, I come to (in no particular order): tarot, acupuncture, nutrition, aromatherapy... and that's it. Mostly acupuncture and tarot, if I'm going to be truthful. Secondary: herbs, astrology, knitting... um... that's it.

So I have: acupuncture, nutrition, aromatherapy and herbs on the one hand.
Tarot and astrology on the other.
Knitting in front of me.

OMG. I didn't even mention playing the flute!!

2009-01-16T20:04:00.002-06:00

Better today, thank heavens...

After my mental crisis of the past few days, today was a much better day. I woke up fairly refreshed (imagine that), and my eye appointment went well, as well as the treatment I gave a new patient. This was another pain patient, and afterwards I realized that I'm figuring out my own way to deal with pain - basically doing a channel treatment. By that I mean that I use needles to get the Qi flowing in the channel, because pain always means a blockage, whether of Qi or Xue (Blood). This technique is very gentle - it doesn't involve lots of heavy needling - and the results gradually improve over 12-24 hours. This also helps me focus my studying - I need to look at the Tendino-muscular and Divergent Meridians again. (I googled, but didn't find anything that I wanted to link to.)

That makes me happy, and I feel like what I do matters.

I now have a couple of days off, and I'm going to rest and work on my website... as well as working with moxa on the pain in my finger joints.

2009-01-15T20:58:00.001-06:00

Hopelessness for no good reason

Nothing like deep, dark depression for the dark time of the year. It wouldn't be January without feelings of exhaustion, hopelessness, and depression, it seems.

I am not doing well. I haven't told anyone in RL, because I don't want to scare people... but once again I've been having suicidal thoughts. I'm seeing my therapist on Monday (thank the gods), and I will be fine for the next 3 days. Who knows, I may actually feel good by Monday. I had a day of total exhaustion last Friday (the 9th), and called in sick for the concert that night; I did feel better the next day. I had a day like that yesterday as well, and today I've been just getting the things done that need to get done. I have upped my antidepressant dosage (my MD is fine with me doing that), and we'll see how things work out.

I had an acupuncture appointment on Tues with one of my professors. She was helpful, but was disappointed that I haven't been using the stuff I learned in school to feel better. I told her "the doctor who treats herself has a fool for a patient", and, being Chinese, it was a stretch for her to understand my meaning.

Tomorrow I have an appointment for an eye checkup (thank heavens! I know I need a change in glasses), and one person to treat in the afternoon. Then I can collapse until I see said shrink on Monday.

A huge part of the problem is that I have too many choices - I don't know what direction to take my acupuncture practice - and I also have no ability to focus my energy on things that need to get done, like practicing, studying, marketing. I'm overwhelmed by being an adult, and this is not a new feeling. I think I've felt this way my entire adult life.

If you met me at work (either the clinic or the orchestra hall) you'd have no idea that I am so fragile. I put up a good front, I guess. I am so lonely I could just about die, and I have zero ability to get out and try to meet anyone, even on the internet. I'm scared about what will become of me, as well... and I wish I could cry, because I might just feel better if I did.

2008-12-18T13:55:00.002-06:00

What a Cutie!

Time magazine has a photoessay up of photos that a grad student took of Barack Obama when he was a freshman at Occidental. The pics are absolutely delightful... and the story of how they came to be taken and published so many years later is here.

What a sweet boy.

On another subject, I'm pretty unhappy with him for his nomination of former Iowa Gov. Vilsack as Sec. of Agriculture. He has been for GM foods and ANIMALS, for crying out loud, and was a supporter of some of the massive hog farms which massively pollute, as well as factory farming, which is nothing short of animal abuse. He also has been involved in the "biofuels" debacle, which was a cause of the recent food shortages earlier this year.

I think the last sentence of the linked article says it best: The Organic Consumers Association, which opposes biotechnology, was the only group to oppose his nomination.

I'm also unhappy with Obama giving the excreble (sp??) Pastor Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. The left wing is in an uproar because Warren is a homophobic bigot, and the right wing is up in arms because they find Obama's positions on abortion and LGBT rights reprehensible. I suppose if both sides are pissed off, then he must be doing something right. Too bad Rev. Wright destroyed his relationship with Obama... whatever invocation he would've done might have been... shall we say... incendiary!

2008-12-02T15:07:00.002-06:00

The Sun is Shining

... and it's a new day. You can't imagine how good I'm feeling today... it's as though I was never depressed. I'm guessing that it has something to do with going to bed earlier and getting up earlier, or perhaps I've gotten rested up over the past few days.

The past 2 weeks I've been having globus hystericus much worse than I've ever had it before. This morning I started on Prilosec again, and it seems to have made it better, so it's probably more of a acid reflux aggravated by stress over the economy, or some such.

The interesting thing is that everywhere I go Holiday shopping I get the same answer from the businesses: business is just fine in San Antonio. So after some months of being upset about it, I've decided that the recession is going to miss me, and my city. I'm going to act like it's not a problem, so it won't be a problem! So there!

I've been thinking about making changes in my business - perhaps I'll write more about that later. For now suffice it to say that I'm mulling over these changes.

Time to go for a walk - it's a glorious 74 degrees with clear blue sky.

2008-11-30T16:54:00.002-06:00

Meme from Keera

1. Where is your cell phone? — Nearby
2. Where is your significant other? — Future
3. Your hair color? — Silver+
4. Your mother? — TX
5. Your father? — TX
6. Your favorite thing? — Blossom
7. Your dream last night? — None
8. Your dream/goal? — Healing
9. The room you’re in? — Living
10. Your hobby? — Knitting
11. Your fear? — Death
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? - Partnered
13. Where were you last night? — Parents'
14. What you’re not? — laid-back
15. One of your wish-list items? — iPhone.
16. Where you grew up? — US
17. The last thing you did? — Drive
18. What are you wearing? — Jeans
19. Your TV? — None
20. Your pet? — Poodle
21. Your computer? — iMac+DellLaptop
22. Your mood? — so-so
23. Missing someone? - no
24. Your car? — Solara
25. Something you’re not wearing? — skirt
26. Favorite store? — TJMaxx
27. Your summer? — Hot
28. Love someone? — dog
29. Your favorite color? — All
30. When is the last time you laughed? — Today
31. Last time you cried? — Wednesday

2008-11-25T14:51:00.002-06:00

Okay, NOW I'm crying

With gratitude. Obama To Hold Third Presser On Economy

Money quote: Yet another Obama press conference on the economy?... This looks like a sign that the Obama team has recognized the seriousness of the problem posed to financial markets by the lame-duck period, with the country's resulting lack of true political leadership. Obama seems to be stepping in to provide at the very least the image of competent national leadership by quasi-assuming the presidency itself, as opposed to the ham-fisted efforts of George W. Bush and Henry Paulson.

I read that and teared up. Perhaps it's the depression (though I am feeling better), but this is just after I spent some time at change.gov and made a suggestion (that graduates be able to go into forbearance on their student loans without interest accruing) and volunteered as an acupuncturist for the Health Corps. In fact, I even sent an email to my far-right-wingnut Dad from that site after I volunteered, suggesting that he consider signing up, too. Better that than sitting at home listening to the Fox News bloviators!

Thank God for Barack Obama, and may the Goddess keep him from harm.

2008-11-25T11:54:00.004-06:00

Sea Change

Today Alice posted a link on Slow Blogging which has got me thinking.

I don't know about you, but the election of Barack Obama is, to me, a manifestation of a cultural sea change here in the US. I think that the current financial meltdown is part of that, too - as catalyst rather than a symptom.

I have been re-reading Barbara Hand Clow's The Mayan Code, which is based on Carl Johann Calleman's take on the Mayan Calendar (which famously ends in 2011-2012). There is a particularly prescient chapter in her book, where she interprets Calleman's theory in light of her own Pleiadian gnosis (I know, Pleiadian? Whatever!)... and while it isn't 100%, it's startlingly accurate.

I first heard about Hand Clow when I picked up her book on Chiron in 1996 or so, and I found Calleman on the internet sometime around 2004. The thing that caught my eye back then was his Mayan Calendar explanation for the sense of time speeding up - something that I'm very aware of, which is indicated in his idiosyncratic take on the Mayan Calendar. The interesting thing is that November 18, 2008 was the opening of the 'Sixth Day', and I have definitely felt a change in energy around that time. If you go here and scroll down to "Scorpio New Moon" Hand Clow coherently explains some of what I'm talking about (rather incoherently, it seems!), in a much more orderly fashion than I'm capable of.

Okay... where was I. Oh yes - change in the culture.

It seems that we have reached the limit of how much we can participate in the speeding up of time that Calleman posits. I know that I've come to a place where I need to sit and go within, rather than constantly reaching out for more and more information. That behavior is well beyond its "sell by" date. The election of Obama is a true ending for much of what our fellow Americans thought was true: our economic/military/cultural might and ability to influence the rest of the world has been destroyed by the past 8 years of reckless spending of capital. Chickens, come home to roost! For those of us who have been horrified by the past 8 years there is a dose of schadenfreude... but just a dose. It's time for the adults to take charge, and we all know what that means. Reality-based community... no more flights of fancy and wishful thinking. As someone who has indulged in fantasy off an on for most of my life, the truth is that RL is often simply not as much fun - and this change in our culture is definitely not going to be as much fun as making heaps of money from worthless paper. That being said, it is going to be more REAL - more gritty, dirty, more full of life. Where does Slow Blogging come into this? I think of it as a maturation of the blogging medium - with it evolving into a medium of self-expression, rather than regurgitation. Keera's blog is an example of this, IMO. Her posts are thoughtful, informative... and slow. No gotchas. No links to cultural insanity. Just one (thoughtful) woman's thoughts on life, as an American expat living in Norway. And I love it!

If I had to describe what it is like to be in the US right now, I'd say that it's like waking up with a hellish hangover, in bed with someone you don't recognize and not being able to find your clothes, wallet, or keys. For anyone with any sense at all, that would prompt a change in behavior.

And yes, I'm still depressed, thanks for asking. More on that in another post.

2008-11-24T23:47:00.003-06:00

A Better Day

Today was a better day than yesterday, but I'm not out of the woods yet. I lounged most of the day, and while I got some stuff done (paying bills online), I was too lazy and didn't let the dog out enough. I think she gets frustrated when that happens, and after having one accident she had a second one while I was gone to rehearsal tonight. Bummer. I had to throw out an old feather pillow that I've been using in her bed where she stays while I'm gone to work. (insert frowny face here). Of course, now all she wants to do is play, and it's midnight. (insert smiley face here).

I've backed off from some of my commitments, saying that I'm having a health challenge. And that's exactly what this is. I have to keep telling myself that, because 'being depressed' doesn't sound like anything that important - until I remind myself that it's an illness, and it can be a fatal illness. And every time that I think that I'm cured, I'm not. It's so frustrating that way.

I know this post is rambling... maybe I'll edit it tomorrow.

2008-11-23T21:45:00.001-06:00

Severely depressed

And looking for a reason to live. Will call the MD in the morning.

Edited to add: no, I'm not suicidal. I'm simply struggling with a seemingly meaningless day-to-day right now.

2008-11-21T10:58:00.002-06:00

Dooce-n-Mac

First of all, Dooce is expecting her second child. I'm ecstatic for her, but a wee bit worried, after all the post-partum clinical depression that she had after Leta was born. However, this time she has lots of resources that she didn't have before, so I'm sure she'll not end up in the terrible place she was in before. At least, I hope not.

On another subject, I'm really enjoying my refurbished white 17" iMac that I bought last month. It's a sweet machine, and I'm gradually bringing it up to speed. For instance, yesterday I finally got out to buy a USB printer cord (as I'd been using my old parallel cord with my 2004 vintage Dell), and figured out how to find the proper printer drivers (the ones on the disc were for OS9) - and eureka! it works! I printed up a sweet pic of Obama/Biden from that link I posted yesterday to give to my neighbor who worked her behind off for their campaign.

I still have quite a bit to do to get everything I want on the iMac, but after installing VMWare Fusion and Windows XP (!!) I can now run the Win programs that I need (especially Quicken Home and Business). It took a bit for me to figure out what to do in order to get online with XP - I had installed Zone Alarm and it was blocking my access, uninstalling it did the trick - and eventually I'll clean up the Dell and use it as my mobile PC once in a while. It still works well, even if it's SLOW. My iMac shipped with 512 MG RAM, and I upgraded it to the maximum the machine uses: 2 gigs. Made a huge difference speed-wise - and XP needs at least 512 for itself.

Reading the above iMac link I learned that my iMac doesn't have bluetooth, so I can't use the wireless keyboard and mouse. Not that I was looking to get them anytime soon, oh well. All in all I'm very happy with this machine, particularly when you consider that the total for it was just over $700 including tax. You can't get into a decent Mac for any cheaper than that!

2008-11-19T18:59:00.004-06:00

Just when I thought...

that I was done tearing up over Barack Obama's election, today I found BagNewsNotes again, and in looking through the archives my heart stopped here. There was a link in some article to this: The Obama Campaign's Flicker Election Night Feed... just gorgeous.

There are so many great shots there, but I was really struck by this one.

Which one do you like best?

2008-11-18T20:39:00.003-06:00

200th post

Imagine that... after limping along for so long, I'm finally up to 200 posts. ::smile::

I'm not sure where to begin, because there have been reasons that I haven't been blogging of late... but to try to tell you all that would take hours and hours of stuff that's not completely figured out and would probably be boring as heck. Of course, we are now an Obamanation (!), thank Goddess that folks turned out in such numbers that the election couldn't be stolen. Since I last wrote I've switched to Mac - a previous generation white 17" refurbished iMac, running Leopard and Windows XP - I'm very happy with this machine. I have been working with the Jacques Vieville Tarot, continuing my months' long exploration of historical Tarot de Marseilles (though the Vieville is actually not a true TdM)... this has been a lot of fun.

The symphony work has been pretty much one thing after another... and the acupuncture biz, not so much. More later on that.

I ended up going back to some therapy, and I'm going to continue going about every 3 weeks because my depression is better. I can feel things starting to shift in a good way. There are several things on my agenda that need to be seen to, both work-wise and personal-wise... perhaps I'll be writing about all that eventually. Perhaps. I no longer know how much of my Self I want to spill out to the world this way.

Two days ago I had an 'issue' happen on an internet board that I've been frequenting for some time... basically one person shat on me for no good reason, and a second person took something out of context and got all pissy on me. I decided that the board had become a net drain on my psyche, and was going to leave... but the first thing I would do was edit all my posts to '.....' because I didn't want that paper trail out there. To make a long story short, I got locked out of the board for 24 hours by the moderators, because the so-called 'integrity of the threads' is more important than my peace of mind. There was no PM or email to me concerning the lockout, it just happened... and I had pending trades and sales there. I did not appreciate the way this was handled, and am likely to leave by the end of the year.

Being locked out of the board was an interesting experience. I've learned so much there - particularly in the last 6 months - but frankly there have been severely diminishing returns of late... lots of board surfing with very little information of interest. My major reason for returning is my pending trades, and the friends I've made there. But the closest friend I have there isn't really that close - and we're friends on FB.

I have been a subscriber to the board, and I'm certain that I will be letting that lapse. I can see checking in from time to time, but the main reason I signed on in the first place was to unload stuff that I no longer wanted... and I ended up spending easily as much on new fun stuff there.

The interesting thing about being locked out was the astrology of the situation - I had transiting Saturn (restriction) exactly conjunct my natal Mercury (communication)! Things like that just make me smile.

I've been online for the past 13 years, and I don't want to think about how many RL hours have been lost to the web. It's even worse since the advent of weblogs. The WWW has been a bust, financially - unlike some people who manage to make money online, I've spent and spent and spent some more. It's just too easy!

It's obvious from this post that I'm feeling the need to back off from all kinds of internet stuff... even as I've decided to blog more frequently! Yes, a paradox...

2008-09-20T09:56:00.003-05:00

The Equation of Time

I'd never heard of the Equation of Time, but in a posting on Watts Up With That? Ric Werme provided a link to his page where he explains the equation.

Not that I understood the equation, but what it explains is what interests me. To quote Ric in his comment:why the earliest sunset is weeks before the latest sunset. (While the effect is greatest for the December solstice, it happens in June too.)

I have a cute little program for my Pocket PC called PocketClock, a handy little app that shows me the time for sunrise and sunset at any location I wish, among other things (timer, stopwatch, chime, moon phases, time in any city around the world, etc). I've messed around with the sunrise/sunset times, and I'd always wondered about the variation of earliest/latest on the days around the solstices. Nice to see an explanation for it, even if I don't understand it.

2008-09-18T11:05:00.003-05:00

A Conservative For Obama

When I read articles like this, it does my heart good. I found the link via dailykos, which also does my terrified heart good (terrified of McPain, of course). That is, when dailykos doesn't infuriate me, but that's another story entirely.

Money quotes:
By Wick Allison, Editor In Chief

THE MORE I LISTEN TO AND READ ABOUT “the most liberal member of the U.S. Senate,” the more I like him. Barack Obama strikes a chord with me like no political figure since Ronald Reagan. To explain why, I need to explain why I am a conservative and what it means to me.
In 1964, at the age of 16, I organized the Dallas County Youth for Goldwater. My senior thesis at the University of Texas was on the conservative intellectual revival in America. Twenty years later, I was invited by William F. Buckley Jr. to join the board of National Review. I later became its publisher (Note:!!!!).
Conservatism to me is less a political philosophy than a stance, a recognition of the fallibility of man and of man’s institutions...
Liberalism always seemed to me to be a system of “oughts.” We ought to do this or that because it’s the right thing to do, regardless of whether it works or not. It is a doctrine based on intentions, not results, on feeling good rather than doing good.
But today it is so-called conservatives who are cemented to political programs when they clearly don’t work...
Today it is conservatives, not liberals, who talk with alarming bellicosity about making the world “safe for democracy.” ...
This kind of conservatism, which is not conservative at all, has produced financial mismanagement, the waste of human lives, the loss of moral authority, and the wreckage of our economy that McCain now threatens to make worse.
Barack Obama is not my ideal candidate for president... I disagree with him on many issues. But those don’t matter as much as what Obama offers, which is a deeply conservative view of the world. Nobody can read Obama’s books (which, it is worth noting, he wrote himself) or listen to him speak without realizing that this is a thoughtful, pragmatic, and prudent man. It gives me comfort just to think that after eight years of George W. Bush we will have a president who has actually read the Federalist Papers...

2008-09-16T19:59:00.004-05:00

Just a suggestion...

While the initial reports indicated that Hurricane Ike was not as bad as feared, as it turns out the devastation on the Texas/Louisana Gulf Coast has been catastrophic. There are many, many good people who are suffering horrible losses, whether or not they evacuated, or, as people in much Houston were told to, stayed in place. Hurricane Ike's eye was 90 miles in diameter at one point - greater than the distance between Austin and San Antonio! - this storm was unimaginably large.

The American Red Cross provides relief for victims of disaster all over the world - and they are working mightily to help out people in the Texas Gulf Coast. I urge you to donate as you are able. I did just now, and found myself with tears running down my face. I wish I could have given them $3000, but as it was, my small donation will have to do. Together, our small donations can change the world.

2008-09-12T15:58:00.002-05:00

Hurricane Ike

Here's a must-read - the weather blog of KHOU in Houston. From what I'm reading, I'm wondering if anything at all will be left of Galveston.

It's such a pretty little town. :(

2008-09-10T16:52:00.003-05:00

Oh, and BTW...

Firefox 3 is awful.
If you've downloaded it and are suffering with c r a w l i n g websurfing, go here and follow the directions. It was easy, it worked... and now I have my Firefox back! :)

2008-09-10T12:23:00.002-05:00

iPod Touch/MacBook/iMac?

Okay, I'm officially drinking the kool kidz koolaid. I have had that hots for an iPod Touch ever since I saw my first one in action 3 weeks ago. It occurred to me that it would be the perfect laptop replacement for my trip to Japan next summer, and after playing with one at the local Apple store and seeing all the apps for learning Japanese, I was hooked. The fact that it connects to the internet via wifi means that I can stay in touch with the folks back home using gmail on the web - yes!

I just spent all morning (yes, I'm free today) reading the MacRumors forums re: the upgrades to the Touch from the recent Mac exposition (or whatever it's called), and I've decided to hold out for the January roll-out in hopes that they will add a **camera** to the Touch. That would make it the perfect little device to take traveling, don't you think?

That being said, I'm in a bit of a quandary concerning the replacement of my PC laptop. Macs are so darned expensive, easily twice the comparable PC, whether desktop or laptop. It's been 8 years since I've used a desktop, and I don't know how I'd feel about going back to one now. That being said, the MacMini is so much more affordable (even though you have to add the peripherals - at least, I think it's still more affordable!) that it's quite tempting to go that way. I'm hoping that I can get a friend of mine who is on the faculty of a university to guy my Mac for me, so I can get the school discount.

I have some PC programs that I would have to be able to run, and I'm hoping that boot camp and/or a windows emulator would work for that. It's nothing heavy-duty like Photoshop or another graphics-intensive program, just my Quicken (which doesn't have a comparable version for Mac, mine's for business) and my astrology software. I'm so impressed that virtually everything else I run has it's own Apple version that is part of OSX - no other programs to buy! :)

Then again - I should probably look at refurbished Macs. That could very well be the ticket!

2008-09-09T17:43:00.002-05:00

Scared to Death

More on Palin.
Here are some excerpts of the profoundly chilling article
Sarah Palin's churches are actively involved in a resurgent movement that was declared heretical by the Assemblies of God in 1949. This is the same 'Spiritual Warfare' movement that was featured in the award winning movie, "Jesus Camp," which showed young children being trained to do battle for the Lord. At least three of four of Palin's churches are involved with major organizations and leaders of this movement, which is referred to as The Third Wave of the Holy Spirit or the New Apostolic Reformation. The movement is training a young "Joel's Army" to take dominion over the United States and the world...

Palin has also been blessed, or "anointed", by an African cleric, prominent in the Third Wave movement, who has repeatedly visited the Wasilla Assembly of God and claims to have effected positive, dramatic social change in a Kenyan town by driving out a "spirit of witchcraft."

The Wasilla Assembly of God church is deeply involved with both Third Wave activities and theology. Their Master's Commission program is part of an three year post-high school international training program with studies in prophecy, intercessory prayer, Biblical exegesis, authority and leadership...

The Third Wave is a revival of the theology of the Latter Rain tent revivals of the 1950s and 1960s led by William Branham and others. It is based on the idea that in the end times there will be an outpouring of supernatural powers on a group of Christians that will take authority over the existing church and the world. The believing Christians of the world will be reorganized under the Fivefold Ministry and the church restructured under the authority of Prophets and Apostles and others anointed by God. The young generation will form "Joel's Army" to rise up and battle evil and retake the earth for God...

The Third Wave, also known as the New Apostolic Reformation, is a network of Apostles, many of them grouped around C. Peter Wagner, founder of the World Prayer Center. This center, which was built in coordination with Ted Haggard and his New Life Church in Colorado Springs, was featured in an article by Jeff Sharlet in Harpers, May 2005, "Soldiers of Christ." Sharlet was one of the first to write in the secular press about the World Prayer Center which is often referred to by those familiar with the Third Wave as the 'Pentagon for Spiritual Warfare.' It features computer systems that store the data of communities around the world, mapping out unsaved peoples' groups and spiritual mapping information for spiritual warfare. Wagner has his own group of about 500 Apostles in his council and each of these Apostles has ministries under their authority, sometimes hundreds or thousands. Recently various networks of Apostles came together to form the Revival Alliance. Leaders of the Revival Alliance including Rick Joyner of Morningstar anointed Todd Bentley whose Lakeland Healing Revival has recently been a controversial topic in the Evangelical world...

The Third Wave movement is cross-denomination and is not synonymous with any specific denomination, nor is it synonymous with Evangelical or Fundamentalist. Although the movement emerged from Pentecostalism, it draws its support from a variety of denominations and religious streams. They believe they are forming a post-denominational church to take the world for the end times.To date, all of the writing and objections to this movement have emerged from other Evangelicals and Fundamentalists who believe the movement to be unbiblical. Also, it is other conservative churches that refuse to embrace the 'outpouring of the Spirit' that are targets of much of the anger of the movement.

More on this tomorrow, I need to clear my head out now.

2008-09-05T22:33:00.001-05:00

Sarah Palin Scares Me To Death

Found here, in the comments (hat tip to Andrew Sullivan):

Dear friends,

So many people have asked me about what I know about Sarah Palin in the last 2 days that I decided to write something up . . .

Basically, Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton have only 2 things in common: their gender and their good looks. :)

You have my permission to forward this to your friends/email contacts with my name and email address attached, but please do not post it on
any websites, as there are too many kooks out there . . .

Thanks,
Anne

ABOUT SARAH PALIN

I am a resident of Wasilla, Alaska. I have known Sarah since 1992. Everyone here knows Sarah, so it is nothing special to say we are on a
first-name basis. Our children have attended the same schools. Her father was my child's favorite substitute teacher. I also am on a
first name basis with her parents and mother-in-law. I attended more City Council meetings during her administration than about 99% of the
residents of the city.

She is enormously popular; in every way she’s like the most popular girl in middle school. Even men who think she is a poor choice and
won't vote for her can't quit smiling when talking about her because she is a "babe".

It is astonishing and almost scary how well she can keep a secret. She kept her most recent pregnancy a secret from her children and parents
for seven months.

She is "pro-life". She recently gave birth to a Down's syndrome baby. There is no cover-up involved, here; Trig is her baby.

She is energetic and hardworking. She regularly worked out at the gym.

She is savvy. She doesn't take positions; she just "puts things out there" and if they prove to be popular, then she takes credit.

Her husband works a union job on the North Slope for BP and is a champion snowmobile racer. Todd Palin’s kind of job is highly
sought-after because of the schedule and high pay. He arranges his work schedule so he can fish for salmon in Bristol Bay for a month or
so in summer, but by no stretch of the imagination is fishing their major source of income. Nor has her life-style ever been anything
like that of native Alaskans.

Sarah and her whole family are avid hunters.

She's smart.

Her experience is as mayor of a city with a population of about 5,000 (at the time), and less than 2 years as governor of a state with about 670,000 residents.

During her mayoral administration most of the actual work of running this small city was turned over to an administrator. She had been pushed to hire this administrator by party power-brokers after she had gotten herself into some trouble over precipitous firings which had given rise to a recall campaign.

Sarah campaigned in Wasilla as a “fiscal conservative”. During her 6 years as Mayor, she increased general government expenditures by over 33%. During those same 6 years the amount of taxes collected by the City increased by 38%. This was during a period of low inflation (1996-2002). She reduced progressive property taxes and increased a regressive sales tax which taxed even food. The tax cuts that she promoted benefited large corporate property owners way more than they benefited residents.

The huge increases in tax revenues during her mayoral administration weren’t enough to fund everything on her wish list though, borrowed money was needed, too. She inherited a city with zero debt, but left it with indebtedness of over $22 million. What did Mayor Palin encourage the voters to borrow money for? Was it the infrastructure that she said she supported? The sewage treatment plant that the city lacked? or a new library? No. $1m for a park. $15m-plus for construction of a multi-use sports complex which she rushed through to build on a piece of property that the City didn’t even have clear title to, that was still in litigation 7 yrs later--to the delight of the lawyers involved! The sports complex itself is a nice addition to the community but a huge money pit, not the profit-generator she claimed it would be. She also supported bonds for $5.5m for road projects that could have been done in 5-7 yrs without any borrowing.

While Mayor, City Hall was extensively remodeled and her office redecorated more than once.

These are small numbers, but Wasilla is a very small city.

As an oil producer, the high price of oil has created a budget surplus in Alaska. Rather than invest this surplus in technology that will make us energy independent and increase efficiency, as Governor she proposed distribution of this surplus to every individual in the state.

In this time of record state revenues and budget surpluses, she recommended that the state borrow/bond for road projects, even while she proposed distribution of surplus state revenues: spend today's surplus, borrow for needs.

She’s not very tolerant of divergent opinions or open to outside ideas or compromise. As Mayor, she fought ideas that weren’t generated by her or her staff. Ideas weren’t evaluated on their merits, but on the basis of who proposed them.

While Sarah was Mayor of Wasilla she tried to fire our highly respected City Librarian because the Librarian refused to consider removing from the library some books that Sarah wanted removed. City residents rallied to the defense of the City Librarian and against Palin's attempt at out-and-out censorship, so Palin backed down and withdrew her termination letter. People who fought her attempt to oust the Librarian are on her enemies list to this day.

Sarah complained about the “old boy’s club” when she first ran for Mayor, so what did she bring Wasilla? A new set of "old boys". Palin fired most of the experienced staff she inherited. At the City and as Governor she hired or elevated new, inexperienced, obscure people, creating a staff totally dependent on her for their jobs and eternally grateful and fiercely loyal--loyal to the point of abusing their power to further her personal agenda, as she has acknowledged happened in the
case of pressuring the State’s top cop (see below).

As Mayor, Sarah fired Wasilla’s Police Chief because he “intimidated” her, she told the press. As Governor, her recent firing of Alaska's top cop has the ring of familiarity about it. He served at her pleasure and she had every legal right to fire him, but it's pretty clear that an important factor in her decision to fire him was because he wouldn't fire her sister's ex-husband, a State Trooper. Under investigation for abuse of power, she has had to admit that more than 2 dozen contacts were made between her staff and family to the person that she later fired, pressuring him to fire her ex-brother-in-law. She tried to replace the man she fired with a man who she knew had been reprimanded for sexual harassment; when this caused a public furor, she withdrew her support.

She has bitten the hand of every person who extended theirs to her in help. The City Council person who personally escorted her around town introducing her to voters when she first ran for Wasilla City Council became one of her first targets when she was later elected Mayor. She abruptly fired her loyal City Administrator; even people who didn’t like the guy were stunned by this ruthlessness.

Fear of retribution has kept all of these people from saying anything publicly about her.

When then-Governor Murkowski was handing out political plums, Sarah got the best, Chair of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission: one of the few jobs not in Juneau and one of the best paid. She had no background in oil & gas issues. Within months of scoring this great job which paid $122,400/yr, she was complaining in the press about the high salary. I was told that she hated that job: the commute, the structured hours, the work. Sarah became aware that a member of this Commission (who was also the State Chair of the Republican Party) engaged in unethical behavior on the job. In a gutsy move which some undoubtedly cautioned her could be political suicide, Sarah solved all her problems in one fell swoop: got out of the job she hated and garnered gobs of media attention as the patron saint of ethics and as a gutsy fighter against the “old boys’ club” when she dramatically quit, exposing this man’s ethics violations (for which he was fined).

As Mayor, she had her hand stuck out as far as anyone for pork from Senator Ted Stevens. Lately, she has castigated his pork-barrel politics and publicly humiliated him. She only opposed the “bridge to nowhere” after it became clear that it would be unwise not to.

As Governor, she gave the Legislature no direction and budget guidelines, then made a big grandstand display of line-item vetoing projects, calling them pork. Public outcry and further legislative action restored most of these projects--which had been vetoed simply because she was not aware of their importance--but with the unobservant she had gained a reputation as “anti-pork”.

She is solidly Republican: no political maverick. The State party leaders hate her because she has bit them in the back and humiliated them. Other members of the party object to her self-description as a fiscal conservative.

Around Wasilla there are people who went to high school with Sarah. They call her “Sarah Barracuda” because of her unbridled ambition and predatory ruthlessness. Before she became so powerful, very ugly stories circulated around town about shenanigans she pulled to be made point guard on the high school basketball team. When Sarah's mother-in-law, a highly respected member of the community and experienced manager, ran for Mayor, Sarah refused to endorse her.

As Governor, she stepped outside of the box and put together of package of legislation known as “AGIA” that forced the oil companies to march to the beat of her drum.

Like most Alaskans, she favors drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. She has questioned if the loss of sea ice is linked to global warming. She campaigned “as a private citizen” against a state initiaitive that would have either a) protected salmon streams from pollution from mines, or b) tied up in the courts all mining in the
state (depending on who you listen to). She has pushed the State’s lawsuit against the Dept. of the Interior’s decision to list polar bears as threatened species.

McCain is the oldest person to ever run for President; Sarah will be a heartbeat away from being President.

There has to be literally millions of Americans who are more knowledgeable and experienced than she.

However, there’s a lot of people who have underestimated her and are regretting it.

CLAIM VS FACT
•“Hockey mom”: true for a few years
•“PTA mom”: true years ago when her first-born was in elementary school, not since
•“NRA supporter”: absolutely true
•social conservative: mixed. Opposes gay marriage, BUT vetoed a bill that would have denied benefits to employees in same-sex relationships (said she did this because it was unconsitutional).
•pro-creationism: mixed. Supports it, BUT did nothing as Governor to promote it.
•“Pro-life”: mixed. Knowingly gave birth to a Down’s syndrome baby BUT declined to call a special legislative session on some pro-life legislation
•“Experienced”: Some high schools have more students than Wasilla has residents. Many cities have more residents than the state of Alaska. No legislative experience other than City Council. Little hands-on supervisory or managerial experience; needed help of a city administrator to run town of about 5,000.
•political maverick: not at all
•gutsy: absolutely!
•open & transparent: ??? Good at keeping secrets. Not good at explaining actions.
•has a developed philosophy of public policy: no
•”a Greenie”: no. Turned Wasilla into a wasteland of big box stores and disconnected parking lots. Is pro-drilling off-shore and in ANWR.
•fiscal conservative: not by my definition!
•pro-infrastructure: No. Promoted a sports complex and park in a city without a sewage treatment plant or storm drainage system. Built streets to early 20th century standards.
•pro-tax relief: Lowered taxes for businesses, increased tax burden on residents
•pro-small government: No. Oversaw greatest expansion of city government in Wasilla’s history.
•pro-labor/pro-union. No. Just because her husband works union doesn’t make her pro-labor. I have seen nothing to support any claim that she is pro-labor/pro-union.

WHY AM I WRITING THIS?

First, I have long believed in the importance of being an informed voter. I am a voter registrar. For 10 years I put on student voting programs in the schools. If you google my name (Anne Kilkenny + Alaska), you will find references to my participation in local government, education, and PTA/parent organizations.

Secondly, I've always operated in the belief that "Bad things happen when good people stay silent". Few people know as much as I do because few have gone to as many City Council meetings.

Third, I am just a housewife. I don't have a job she can bump me out of. I don't belong to any organization that she can hurt. But, I am no fool; she is immensely popular here, and it is likely that this will cost me somehow in the future: that’s life.

Fourth, she has hated me since back in 1996, when I was one of the 100 or so people who rallied to support the City Librarian against Sarah's attempt at censorship.

Fifth, I looked around and realized that everybody else was afraid to say anything because they were somehow vulnerable.

CAVEATS
I am not a statistician. I developed the numbers for the increase in spending & taxation 2 years ago (when Palin was running for Governor) from information supplied to me by the Finance Director of the City of Wasilla, and I can't recall exactly what I adjusted for: did I adjust for inflation? for population increases? Right now, it is impossible for a private person to get any info out of City Hall--they are swamped. So I can't verify my numbers.

You may have noticed that there are various numbers circulating for the population of Wasilla, ranging from my "about 5,000", up to 9,000. The day Palin’s selection was announced a city official told me that the current population is about 7,000. The official 2000 census count was 5,460. I have used about 5,000 because Palin was Mayor from 1996 to 2002, and the city was growing rapidly in the mid-90’s.

Anne Kilkenny
annekilkenny@hotmail.com
August 31, 2008

2008-08-25T14:04:00.003-05:00

Greenland Ice Core Reveals History Of Pollution In The Arctic - But there’s a twist, it was worse 100 years ago

I really enjoy Watts Up With That... lurking there has been a real education for me.

2008-08-25T11:38:00.002-05:00

Gradually sliding into the Fall

Traditionally the Summer Solstice has been referred to as Midsummer (see: Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream), and the so-called cross-quarter days (Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Samhain) are actually the start of the seasons, rather than the solstices and equinoxes. Lammas is in the first week of August - if you go by tradition, August 1 or 2, if you go by the Sun actually making it to the 15th degree of Leo, it's around the 7th or 8th.

Here in South Texas it's hard to imagine that Fall is starting in the first week of August, because our hottest weather happens during this month - and it's hellishly hot. We had days and days where the high was over 100F - but more recently there's been an upper level low hanging around the area, so we've had lots of thunderstorms and rain in the area.

I don't particularly celebrate the Neo-Pagan holidays, but I'm very aware of the changing of the seasons, as well as the phases of the Moon. In past years I've noticed a weakening of the brilliance of the Sun in August - as though the high temperatures were the last gasp in the cycle of the Sun. This year I didn't notice that, in part because I'd become really depressed. Again.

Actually, my depression is my own fault, so to speak. I had been taking Wellbutrin during the day a few months back, but I thought that I wasn't noticing that it was doing anything, so I stopped taking it. I was fine for a while, but around August 16th or so I realized that things were getting clinical again, and I started back on the drug on the 19th. I almost immediately noticed a lessening in the accusing thoughts that I'd been unable to control - you know, the ones that accuse one of being lazy, useless, of wasting one's life, etc. I am very grateful that those thoughts have gone away currently! I upped the dosage a bit more yesterday (to the dose I was taking in June), and now I'm feeling like I have some energy to actually DO stuff - like straighten up the house. I can see the floor in my bedroom, and the top of my dresser, as well! That would be a good thing.

I'll post more later on - I've been having great fun with this tarot deck (scroll down for the Hadar TdM), and have much to discuss about tarots. :)

2008-08-07T14:10:00.001-05:00

I know you've seen this before

... but it's really worth a second look.

2008-07-25T21:24:00.002-05:00

The Cooling Climate (no, really!)

I don't usually blog about the so-called Climate Crisis, but I wanted to link to a couple of webpages that I found particularly interesting today. They are both .pdfs, so you'll need Adobe Acrobat to see them.

First: All the data sources have updated now for June. NOAA GHCN data was a clear outlier. NOAA called this the eighth warmest June on record for the globe in the 129 years since records began in 1880 with a positive anomaly of 0.5C (0.9F) for the month. The University of Alabama, Huntsville MSU satellite based global assessment reported on the other hand this June was the 9th coldest in the 30 years of record keeping. In fact, their global mean was actually below the average (base period 1979-1998) with a value of -0.11C (-0.19F). The other NASA satellite source, RSS had June as the 13th coldest out of the last 30 years.

Second: This one concerns the solar cycles, and the absent S.C.24.

I've gotten quite the education here, and I also like this website. I've gone from someone who 8 months ago thought that Al Gore would make a good president, to someone who knows that Anthropogenic Climate Change is a fraud and a non-starter. I still am an environmentalist, however.

2008-07-24T19:42:00.004-05:00

Back once again

While I've been anxiety-free for some time now, I had quite the relapse yesterday and the day before.

I've been dealing with a sinus infection which was sapping my energy, and feeling as though my "get up and go, got up and went" as my Grandmother would have said - and I was not happy with that. There is so much in my life that needs to get done, and the symphony's off-season is the time to do it. But I wasn't doing it. And I was miffed with myself, anyway.

Then I made the "mistake" (are there any, really?) of reading this article in the NYTimes. My parents are in their late 70s, and in quite good health... but the article got my attention with what I may be dealing with in a few years. And $14,000/MONTH for assisted living? That's almost 1/2 of my ANNUAL salary (I'm sorry to say). Holy cow. Not to mention that a) I'm single, and b) I have a shit-load of debt, and c) eventually I might need assisted living myself!

So I entered into a 36-hour freakout, complete with hypochondriac tendencies (I thought I detected asthmatic chest-tightness in myself). I was incapable of doing much at all yesterday, so I indulged in a lot of escapist activities - FreeCell, websurfing until I dropped, staying up way too late, etc. I did notice a lessening of my psychic pain when I sat down and practiced my kana (hiragana/katakana), and later when I got out one of my Japanese books to start acquiring more vocabulary than my Pimsleur language CDs were giving me.

I went to bed around 2am, and the dog woke me up at 10am - there was a Hurricane Dolly thunderstorm going on then. Somehow during the day today something changed, and I found my bearings again. I even found the psychic energy to produce a daily schedule of sorts - something that I knew I needed to do 6 weeks ago, and had been fretting that I hadn't done it yet (there is a pattern here, no?). I even got out the flute and practiced for 30 minutes - something that I haven't done in ... months? years? I don't remember.

I have felt better since I've been taking an herbal treatment for my sinuses: Bi Yan Pian (I use the Kan Herbs tincture, not a tablet). I also had a brisk 30 minute walk with the dog, between the lines of thunderstorms. I'm looking forward once again to working on my business, as well as re-connecting with my spirituality. I'd been very bothered recently by my total lack of connection to the Divine, and it seems that I've come back to my Self that way.

2008-07-19T00:55:00.003-05:00

Random Conclusions

I got my lipid results on Tuesday, and while the total cholesterol number was 253 (oh my), and my LDL was 150 (holy shite), but my HDL was 88.8! That's insanely high, and made me very very happy. The higher the better with HDL, so more the merrier. We upped my niacin to 750mg, and I'm having some rather amazing niacin 'hot flashes' - they often start with the skin around my eyes starting to tingle and feel hot, and it may spread to my scalp and my upper arms. Last night my lower arms felt like they were on fire at one point - I was surprised to see that my skin didn't look scarlet. I've gotten used to these interesting manifestations so they don't bother me much anymore. Anything to avoid taking Lipitor!

I came to some conclusions re: moving - as in, I'm not moving anytime soon. I've decided to even remain in my rather expensive apartment, because I love living here. The lake is wonderful at night during the summer, and the whole area is wonderful... when it's not 100 degrees. Speaking of which, even though the earth has cooled rather dramatically recently, no-one has told South Texas. I've been unable to use my bedroom during the day, as it has a whole wall that is nothing but west-facing windows. Dayum, it gets hot in there - and doesn't cool down for hours. So last night I dug out some old natural-colored cotton twill, and hung up a three-layer radiant barrier between the windows and the mini-blinds. I think it's 15 degrees cooler in there, even though I only did 2/3rds of the window area. I guess I'll go ahead and do the final 1/3 tonight, or perhaps not. I *love* being in the sunshine, and vastly prefer a bright room to a dark one. In fact, I've taken the blinds completely off most of the east-facing windows in my living room, as I am hidden from sight by the several trees outside, as well as by being on the third floor. I love having the sunlight streaming in during the morning, even though it is summer. So completely covering over the windows in my bedroom will transform it from a light-filled room to a cave. My ex would like that. He liked the dark, for some reason. Perhaps I can learn to love that room as a cave, too.

On another subject, I actually went to church on Sunday, which was an interesting experiment. I had a nice time, and visited with some old friends there. I was rather surprised by my reaction to the Nicene Creed, which reads as follows:
We believe in one God the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth, and of all things visible and invisible.
And in one Lord Jesus Christ, the only-begotten Son of God, begotten of the Father before all worlds, God of God, Light of Light, Very God of Very God, begotten, not made, being of one substance with the Father by whom all things were made; who for us men, and for our salvation, came down from heaven, and was incarnate by the Holy Spirit of the Virgin Mary, and was made man, and was crucified also for us under Pontius Pilate. He suffered and was buried, and the third day he rose again according to the Scriptures, and ascended into heaven, and sitteth on the right hand of the Father. And he shall come again with glory to judge both the quick and the dead, whose kingdom shall have no end.
And we believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord and Giver of Life, who proceedeth from the Father and the Son, who with the Father and the Son together is worshipped and glorified, who spoke by the prophets. And we believe one holy catholic and apostolic Church. We acknowledge one baptism for the remission of sins. And we look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen.

What surprised me was that I didn't believe a word of it. Well, yes, Jesus (if he existed, and I do believe that he did) was crucified when Pontius Pilate was the Governor of Judea, or some such. But the rest of it, no, no and no. That being said, I did read it out loud with the rest of the congregation, and even took the Eucharist. That made me happy. It's nice to know where I actually stand re: Christianity. I'm committed to making up my religion as I go along, and moving beyond that patriarchal mind-set has been very freeing for me.

Speaking of spirituality, this afternoon I found an article that covers something that I've been aware of, and am more and more realizing rings true to me. It's by Jacque Woodward-Smith, and titled The Goddess vs. the New Age. It was web published in 2006.
Excerpt: the threat of the New Age and its writers and gurus who talk of ascension, of transcending human form, and of becoming one with our ‘light bodies’, and other similar concepts, and who are providing us with many of the contemporary ideas about, and images of, the Goddess. Theirs is not the language of the Earth, but of the dualism which has held us in chains for millennia. In our thirst for the rise of the Sacred Feminine, in our joy at sensing her return to human consciousness, many of us have ceased to consider the form in which She is being presented to us through the many New Age images and writings that grow in popularity by the day. Our connection to the Goddess is being subverted and torn from Her roots within the dark earth. She is being ‘intellectualised’, made all light and logic, and yet we are being encouraged not to think."

I have some first-hand experience with the kind of meditation that seeks "ascension" - through Sheng Zhen Qigong, which I was exposed to at my school - and it did me no favors. Far from producing enlightenment (or unconditional love), it simply made me dizzy, even less grounded than I already am, and proved over and over again through the weeks to be going in the wrong direction. I require more grounding in the Earth, in Nature, in grass and trees and birds and wolves and fishes.

2008-07-12T12:12:00.002-05:00

I'm back, fwiw.

Hello all (the 2 of you who check in from time to time, that is...). Life rather caught up with me in May, June was interesting, and now it's almost 1/2 way through July and time to blog again.

Rather than re-hash the last 2 months, I'll just hit the high points:
1) the symphony season is finally over - it ended with a bang, on a good note - and as of July I'm finally qualified for unemployment compensation (as being temporarily laid-off from the symphony and being a union member).
2) I had a colonoscopy on June 5th - they found a polyp which was benign, no big deal - but the prep and the anesthetic really set me back. I basically lost about 5 days pre- and post-procedure.
3) I'm getting lots more exercise, and starting to feel healthy again, if I could just get the sinuses back online. Between the neti pot and the facial steamer (used with essential oils: tea tree and eucalyptus) I may finally get that under control
4) I'm a bit nervous about Tuesday - I go back to my intern to hear how my recent lipid panel went. I'm on a variety of supplements, and I'm sure that they are helping - but will he want me to go on a statin? Stay tuned.
5) I have two big learning projects this summer: starting to learn Japanese, and doing an IDS with the BBC tarot deck. (I'm using the 2nd edition, which doesn't have the frilly borders.) These 2 projects are puttering along happily.
6) the biz is dismally slow, and I haven't been focusing on it much, because I'm thinking about other things. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.

Okay. That brings us all up to date. There are a couple of things that I've been mulling over, not quite sure which way to turn. I've been wondering if I really want to stay in this city long-term... and wondering if having the symphony in my life has divided my attention too much re: the biz.

My original intention was to not return here after school - I was going to move to upstate NY because of that guy I was dating. That fell through, so I went with the easiest decision (particularly considering that my health was a bit fragile after 4 years of non-stop school stress) and returned to the symphony and to this city. I'm incredibly grateful for that job - I've been able to sustain myself in a very comfortable living situation, I have good health insurance, I have been able to save some money (even as I've gone into repayment for my student loans), I've qualified for unemployment compensation, I have plenty of time to see my friends and family - and yet, I feel that I'm spinning my wheels. I'm not motivated to move forward with my business, I'm slacking off (though you could argue that I'm still recovering from school...) and not making plans. I feel that I'm marking time in my life - but this isn't a particularly new sensation. I tend to put things off and wait for things to happen, but at 50 I want to be more proactive with my life. Right now I feel like I'm marking time - and it does not feel like a good or positive thing. Given the below, I'm certain that I have some serious thinking to do.

A friend of mine just gave me an online tarot reading, using the Jean Noblet Tarot of Marseilles. Here is 'his' reply, in the form of a letter, followed by my reply:
Dear Sravana,
I feel that the city you are in now is smothering your creative spark and your passion for life and your craft (Seven Wands). This is wide-spread and touches all aspects of your life and leaves you in a state of inaction or inactivity. My next thought is that a move would allow you more growth, both financially and spiritually, and perhaps even emotionally (8 Coins). It is my opinion that a move would also bring more balance into your life and more of a sense of purpose and completeness. But the only way to know for sure whether a move is right for you at this time is to seek your true desires and then take control of them (Royne de Denier--Queen of Coins). There is much wisdom in the art of being a woman, and I believe that you have the answers within you.
Yours,
Jean Noblet

Dear Jean,
You killed with your advice. Thank you so much! I note that with a RWS deck I would not have interpreted the cards the same way, so I'm going to get out my Fournier TdM and have a look.

The smothering of the creative spark = inactivity is right on. I am very sedentary here, and end up playing way too many games of Freecell/Spider Solitaire. Right now I feel really split between my old job (the symphony) where I am currently employed, and my need to move forward with my acupuncture business. As far as having my answers within me - hell yes!

I used to be haunted by the Golden tarot Queen of Coins - she came up all.the.time.in.every.spread. I'm struck that she came up in this spread, once again.

Thank you!!
Sravana

2008-05-13T19:21:00.003-05:00

Lipid update

After my stunning score of 196 on my LDL last month, I had a followup with my cardiologist. We did a heart scan (my perfect zero score made us both happy), and he ordered a Berkeley panel, which breaks down one's HDL and LDL by their particle components. In both HDL and LDL size matters - the smaller particles are much, much worse. That's why someone can have seemingly perfect cholesterol numbers, and have a heart attack the next day. The simple total HDL and LDL numbers don't tell the whole story. Given my very high LDL (and good score: 66, on HDL) he was curious about my particle size breakdown.

The lab results came in Friday, and I finally got in to see him today - you have to have an office visit because the report is so complicated.

The upshot of my report is that my LDL is mostly the good, big particles, with a very low number of the smaller, denser, dangerous ones. My HDL, unfortunately, is not dominated by the largest size particles, so the good high number isn't as good as it looks. :\ Given the above, we're upping my Niacin to 1000mg/day, and adding 10mg Lipitor - and I upped my fish oil and will be adding a small glass of wine nightly. This page has some good tips for raising HDL - I'm also going to make exercising daily a priority.

Another problematical finding was elevated levels of lipoprotein(a). After reading that linked page, I note that my Lp(a) was below the 65.5 level that they found to be significant, but well above the 30 level that the Berkeley lab uses as the baseline. huh. Interesting!

2008-05-05T23:07:00.003-05:00

It's been a while

...since I've posted here. I'm just now realizing that I stopped posting shortly after the 1 year anniversary of breaking up with the ex-SO, and I haven't had my feet on the ground very well ever since then. I didn't think that it was particularly about him, but then last night I dreamed about him, and though I'm not back at square one, it was a bit of a setback.

I'm choosing to not go into the dream, because I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that it ended up that we were going to get back together, but then he said that he was so busy that he would get back to me in a month, and I said, "I'm outta here, no way that's acceptable, hasta la vista baybee!" I laughed when I woke up, but later in the day I felt quite sad. I even thought about emailing him this afternoon, but in the shower I started to remember the bad times - how he was sending me perfectly awful emails when I needed him to be there for me ("princess-like behavior" indeed!!), and he couldn't pick up the damned phone for 5 weeks to call me when I threw in the towel. That was a bit of a reality check, and even though I'm still sad, I don't think that I'm going to email him. At least, I hope not. I don't think it would be helpful. Not to mention that his birthday is coming up on the 22nd (another damned anniversary!), and this year I am NOT going to send him another email for him to ignore.

2008-04-26T11:20:00.002-05:00

Blackjack

Here's a meme I've stolen from Keera:
1. What was the last blog you left a comment on?
Keera's
2. Favorite black and white movie?
Casablanca? I don't really watch movies, that's the only one I could think of.
3. What’s in your freezer right now?
Frozen hamburger patties and salisbury steaks (pre-cooked, just need to microwave) packages of frozen veggies and frozen fruit, ice cubes.
4. How many pillows do you have on your bed?
Three. Two regular and one pillow sham for decorative purposes. Which would make more sense if I actually made up my bed from time to time.
5. Do you regularly share your bed with anyone?
Yes - the dog. :)
6. Do you sleep in pajamas, undies, nude, or other?
I'm just like, Keera, in that I wear a T-shirt to bed. No underwear, though. I think that is one reason why I don't get yeast infections very often.
7. If you won $50,000, what would you do with it?
Pay down my student loans, and go on vacation.
8. Something nice you did for someone today?
I've only been up for 1 hour, so the nice thing I did would be the oatmeal with almonds, cranberries, and black sesame seeds that I had for breakfast (black sesame is very good for aging symptoms)
9. Something bad you did to someone today?
The first think I've done (after breakfast) is getting online. :P
10. Hardest class you took in school?
Herbal Internal Medicine.
11. Ever been in a car accident?
Yes - fender-benders, not the smash-up-and-call-EMS type.
12. What is one food you won’t eat?
I haven't eaten turnips in YEARS, which makes me think that I should try them again, because I might like them by now.
13. Why?
I didn't like the taste
14. Would you ever eat dog meat?
No.
15. What is something as a child you wanted to grow up to become, but didn’t?
Actress.
16. Name one place in the US you haven’t seen but want to?
Maine
17. Name one place outside the US?
Just one? Bali, New Zealand, Australia
18. Favorite smells?
Roast turkey and dressing, jasmine, tea tree oil
19. If you could pick any game show to compete on, which would it be?
None of them. I don't like game shows.
20. Where did you go on your last real vacation and who did you go with?
I went by myself to visit my parents who were house-sitting a condo in Colorado.
21. Your best birthday was for which age?
I particularly enjoyed the last one, when I turned 50. I met about 8 good friends at a great Mexican restaurant, and we had a terrific time.

Tag: Beep and Alice

2008-04-24T15:09:00.002-05:00

Much better...

I've got my feet back on the ground again - actually, I've been better since around Sunday the 20th - having some time off is blissful, if not particularly financially productive.

I had an extra job the past 2 days, and last night a handful of us went out after the concert and had a great time closing down a Chili's. It was past midnight when I got home, and I slept in until 11 am. This is my weekend, already.

Yesterday was the anniversary of breaking up with the ex-boyfriend, and the day passed uneventfully. The other day I saw a recent pic of him on Facecrack, and he looks pretty terrible. I can tell that he's lost a lot of weight (he needed to!), and his face looks drawn. I'm glad that I lost my weight gradually, and (being 16 years younger than him) that my face still has the elasticity to recover from the weight loss without looking drawn. When I started with Wellbutrin in January I had to work to keep my weight from coming off too quickly for just that reason.

I hope that he is doing well. I know that he has a huge tour coming up, including a stop in Texas. I was very conflicted when I saw that he was going to be nearby - part of me wanted to go see him, the other part thought "what in heaven's name would I say to him?". Indeed. At this point there really isn't anything to say to him, beyond "how are you, so glad you're well, how's business". I would love to have a more in-depth conversation with him, about how he's doing emotionally, etc, but that's really none of my business, and my feelings are none of his. That still seems so odd, after how seemingly close we were. Oh well.

While I have several concerns re: the biz, I'm going to take a couple of days off for myself without giving it too much thought. My parents have moved back to TX from CO, and I hope to go visit them on Sunday - if they are ready for the company. I have a total of 5 days off now, and I think that having today and tomorrow for some relaxation and perhaps shopping will do me good. Oh, and exercising w/the K9) :grin:

I'm also interested in doing some cheap decorating - if nothing else, packing away some stuff to put in storage, so the place is less cluttered. I have a vision of my bedroom that's coral with turquoise accents, rather than the current emphasis on purple and sage. It's looking dated, and I'm ready for something different. I feel that I need some dashes of color around the house, and right now I'm thinking TROPICAL for the summer. I'm also wondering what could be done with my bookcases to make them less... ummm... bookcase-like. While it's fun to look at people's book collections to see where they're at, I'm not enamored with looking at them so much right now. While I do consult my bookcases frequently, perhaps there's a way to cover them up or make them into a decorating plus, rather than just... a bookcase.

Must cogitate.

2008-04-19T14:34:00.004-05:00

Zero interest

I have zero interest in anything today. It's a beautiful day outside and I'm overdue for a walk, but I'm here with the dog in my lap, practically in tears.

:sigh:

I have managed to get 3 things done today: breakfast, lunch, and readying a package to drop off in the mail on my way to work tonight. I'm either going to give up and lay down and take a nap, or I'm going to walk the dog and clean the bathroom and kitchen. I think the latter would be a better course of action, but I'm leaning towards the former. My head is really muddled and I feel a bit dizzy as well. I'm also aware that I'm barely breathing. (that walk would fix that!)

I'm not sure if this is depression, exhaustion, or because of the upcoming one-year anniversary of The Breakup. Yes, it is a milestone, and a couple of days ago I remembered how good the ex-boyfriend was for me when I was feeling just like this - he was great to talk to, really there for me a lot of the time.

Except, of course, when I needed him to be, last year in March. Oh, no - not just then, really he wasn't there for me much of the time. I guess I'm melancholic remembering the times that he actually was there for me. Those times were good, but not enough to sustain the relationship any longer. I can't imagine what the past year would've been like if I'd still been trying to keep the relationship afloat, along with all the other stuff I had to do.

Enough of the whining. I know what I need to do to feel better... and it includes shutting off the computer and moving the body.

ETA: I did walk the dog, clean the bathroom, somewhat clean the kitchen, shower, feed the dog and now I'm getting supper, all before my concert tonight.
Yes, the walk did me GOOD. Yes, I'm pining for the ex-bf, trying to talk myself out of emailing him.

2008-04-18T17:51:00.002-05:00

Unhappy grrrl.

Well, that would be me. Ms. B is just fine, TYVM.
I'm not sure what's going on with me, but I'm menopausal as hell these days - pissed off, weepy, exHAUSTed, and did I mention pissed off? Oh, and off my feed, and did I mention pissed off? As in, curl up on the sofa and stay there all day, Except That I Need To Go Play A Dratted Concert To Make Some Money Yes I'm Grateful For The Job But Hell, I Feel Like Chewing Up Someone And Spitting Them Out.

::le sigh::

On another front, I went and article linked from dooce.com, and was ASTOUNDED to read that some wonk at technorati guesstimates that she pulls in $40,000 A MONTH from her weblog. Wow. I would love to pull in $400/year for blogging, much less the above.

On yet another front, I did some web shopping, and bought a couple of books on acupuncture and essential oils (found here... the 12 spirit points book and the aromatherapy with chinese medicine ones) that look v. good, as well as a heat lamp + other assorted supplies from LhasaOMS, my fav acu supplier. The other day I was startled as hell to read that you can buy acupuncture needles from Amazon (!). Scary. They have no way of knowing who they are selling to, and their credentials.

I have to leave for said concert in about an hour, and am nowhere near ready, not to mention the dog isn't fed.

2008-04-14T16:37:00.004-05:00

Cardiologist visit, and neat trick

First, the neat trick.
I just realized that the googlebar at the top of my blog has a link that says "new post" - and if you click it, you bypass that damned blogger dashboard! D'OH! Who says that you can't teach an old dog new trix?

The first thing I did was drop off a baby bird at my vet, since the wildlife rescue people pick animals up from them. I'd almost stepped on the little cold thing this morning while walking the dog (it was in the high 40s this morning), and it was sluggish and v. easy to catch. Then I went by my MD to pick up my last two blood cholesterol records to show to the cardio - and what I saw was a puzzle.

Here are my changes between Oct and Mar:
Total chol: 231.... 277 (OMG)
HDL chol: 52... 68.8 (yessss!)
Triglycerides: 114... 77!!!! (that's amazingly low, with normal listed as 130-150. It's still a very good thing)
calculated LDL: 156.... 192.8!!!(Y.I.K.E.S.)

In retrospect, I think that starting on fish oil and Vit. D (1000-2000/day) is what caused the good changes in my HDL and Tri (I started those after reading the HeartScan blog linked below) The LDL could be a lab error, and since LDL is *calculated* rather than measured with this kind of test, it could be much lower (OR higher, for those of you who brag about your low LDL!).

Re: cardio visit.
1) He wasn't really that concerned about my numbers and thinks that I'm going to live a very long time...but since he knows I'm a stress-monkey, he decided to order
2) a heart scan and
3) an advanced lipid profile.

I've already had the heart scan - it was simple: lie on this thingy and hold your breath when we tell you to. The only problem with it is the radiation and breast cancer, but I'll take my chances to know what my heart score is. The tech was so focused and caring that he came off as smarmy and cloying, but that's okay. I guess he's used to dealing with scared little old ladies or stressed-out middle aged men. Heart scans are scored in positive numbers, the higher the number, the greater the risk.

My score?

ZERO.

I quote from the first link above: It confirmed that people with a zero heart scan score had a nearly zero risk of cardiovascular events...

Whew.

Now, the heart scan can only detect calcified plaque - hard and combined hard and soft plaque. Soft plaque can't be detected this way. And with that insane LDL... it could still be a problem - but not near-term. So I'll have the lipid panel done later this week, to see what kind of LDL I have, and whether I have lip(a).

Heart scans aren't covered by insurance, but at $75 they're a bargain for you to really know where you stand, heart-wise. I'm SO glad that I did that this morning - while my arteries may not be clean as a whistle, they are clean enough that my cleaning up my act will have a v. positive effect on my health.

I'll go do the blood draw for the lipid panel later this week - or maybe even tomorrow. I did hear back from the shrink today, and she had no experience, with Wellbutrin being associated with increased cholesterol, either with patients or in the literature. Nice to know that the drug isn't the cause of my problem (especially since I feel so good on it).

Onward with health testing adventures...

2008-04-13T16:25:00.002-05:00

New Data

After forwarding my previous post to a cadre of friends (you know who you are!), I realized that moving toward a low-fat, high-carb, low-protein diet was likely not the way to go. I did some researching on PubMed, and found some evidence to the effect that low-carb was much better for high LDL than high-carb. I haven't felt too bad since I started eating more carbs yesterday, but I'm going to cut way back on the wheat (even whole wheat), and at the same time go for low-fat (rather than any old fat).

I realized what happened since I switched to Wellbutrin - in attempting to moderate the weight loss (which has evened out now that I'm on only 75 mg/day) I upped my carbs drastically. As I remember now, it was a pretty difficult time, with no appetite anyway, so bread with butter was my - heh - bread and butter. I'm going to go with good fats (less butter) and less beef (sobbing!!), but not upping my grains, rather upping my fruits and veggies.

On another subject, I'm realizing that it's time to do some goal setting. For the last eight months I've basically been scrambling to simply keep up with my life - getting healthier (LDL be DAMNED!), more psychologically balanced, starting the biz - but now I'm realizing that I don't know my game plan, I have no goals. After I send off my tax return (refund CITY!)I'll be looking at where I want to be in several areas of my life: physically, financially, emotionally, relationship-wise, biz-wise, symphony-wise, home-wise - you get the picture. Careening from crisis to crisis doesn't cut it - that's not a life-style, that's a disaster!

IOW, it's time for the Moon-Uranus opposition to grow up. :)

2008-04-12T14:26:00.004-05:00

Excuse me for whinging

...but I've been in a funk for several days, and I want to b*tch and moan about it.
Last week was a killer week at the symphony, when my past 4 1/2 years of not practicing really came home to roost. I was playing principal, and felt like I was skating on thin ice the whole time. The concerts went okay - just okay. I'm not used to playing like this, and I DON'T LIKE IT. Solution: start practicing. But I hate practicing. But if I don't practice, then I will continue to sound like hell. But I hate practicing, and I'm so off my game that it will take much more than modest amounts of practicing to get anywhere. And I want to sound better NOW. (Can't you feel the sh*t-fit coming on? I sure can.)

Okay, enough of that. I came off of last week with what appeared to be a mild sinus infection, so I had pretty low energy. I know that my v. sedentary lifestyle doesn't help any (using those muscles = more energy, eventually), but when you have no energy this becomes a vicious cycle. There is something else going on hormonally, because I'm having menopausal symptoms that are no fun, and I'm sure that's also messing with my head somewhat.

Then: the anniversary of doom is coming up - it will be one year since I broke up with the f$cking boyfriend on the 23rd. This time last year was absolutely impossible - actually, when I think about it, it was much worse than right now, emotionally. Nevertheless, I am v. aware of this anniversary, and very sad that I'm by myself, and even more sad that I cannot even imagine being in any kind of relationship right now. Just the idea makes me want to cross my arms across my chest, hug myself, and curl up into a ball on the sofa.

That, plus my Personal Dark Moon time is coming up on the 14th, with my Personal New Moon on the 17th - optimally that's supposed to be a time when you retreat within to rest before the bursting forth of new energy after the P. New Moon.

Then that damned LDL news of yesterday. Add to that the whole "going off of SSRIs" and all the strengthening exercises I'm SUPPOSED TO BE DOING FOR MY OSTEOPENIA, and, well, my life feels like shit right now.

I never thought that I would be single, 50, in debt up to my eyeballs, having great struggles financially and emotionally, and dealing with the normal body decline that comes with aging. I never thought that I would be so disappointed in my life - what I haven't accomplished, and the damnedable ongoing struggle.

It's ironic, I finally have gotten over the fear that I'm going to die at any minute, and now I actually do have some serious conditions: osteopenia, hyperlipidema, which can shorten one's life, or seriously cause a deterioration in one's quality of life. (My fear came from the Mitral Valve Prolapse diagnosis when I was, oh, 28? 30? I note that the above article does give the quote:Doctors have reported cases of sudden cardiac death associated with MVP; however, such fatalities are extremely rare and are not necessarily related to the valve problem. When fatalities do occur, these sudden deaths appear to result from an arrhythmia. People with severe mitral regurgitation, or severe deformity of their mitral valve, are most susceptible to serious rhythm problems. That's the one that scared me to death for, oh, 20 years)

All this, just when I'd lost 10 pounds and had my BP come back to normal.

After all the above whinging, I started to think about being in the solution, rather than the problem. And when I thought about that, I started to release some Anger at my situation.

My dad called me this morning, and the first thing he said was "We're all gonna die. When it's your time, it's your time. Until then, do what you can to stay as healthy as possible." And, of course, he's right.

As I see it, I could make an either/or choice. I could continue the way I've been going - quite deconditioned, depressed, and eating whatever I like, or I could determine that I *will* make some much-needed changes. I feel overwhelmed that my physical health has taken such a hit just when I turned 50 - or I could say 'just when I finished school'.

If you know me, you know that I'm NOT. A. QUITTER. PERIOD. I do NOT quit, ever. My friend Jean has noticed that when I get mad, things go better. I think that's because if I'm into my anger, I'm not being a victim of the situation.

In that spirit, I've decided to start exercising 20 min 6/days/week, whether I feel like it or not. Usually the dog walk is longer than that, but I'm not really getting my heart pumping when I walk her. I've also decided to trend toward becoming an ovo/lacto/pesco vegetarian, starting by cutting out (sobbing!!!) beef. I love beef with a wild passion, but if that's what has been causing my difficulties, the OUT WITH IT. Cows have such pretty eyes, anyway.

I'm ALSO going to severely limit my computer time - that's probably a major reason why I've been so sedentary. Two days ago Firefox updated and I lost most of my bookmarks. Blessing in disguise? I think so. In the spirit of this last bit - I'm posting this, copying it to my journal software, and turning OFF the computer without playing freecell, spider solitaire, or sudoku.

Oh - I'm also going to cut out coffee (sobbing!!) because the caffeine pinging my adrenals is probably why I have so little energy.

2008-04-11T19:00:00.006-05:00

Oh F$ck

Just when I thought that I was getting a handle on my health, I get the news that my cholesterol is suddenly sky-high (it was just high before), and my LDL is the the OHMYF$CKINGGAWD range.

WTH?

Okay, so I haven't been exercising like I should - but that's been the same for 4 years now. I haven't been eating particularly well - but that's been the same for 4 years now. OTOH, I have lost 10 pounds, and my BP is down to well within normal range, and I feel a heck of a lot better emotionally.

The only things that are different: multivitamins, calcium supplement, fish oil supplement, vitamin D supplement (the last 2 are supposed to HELP cholesterol) - and Wellbutrin.

Guess what I'm giving the hairy eyeball to? No, not the multivitamins.

So I put a call in to the psych to ask here if she's *ever* heard of this. On Monday I'll put in a call to the MD, to say "WTF? Could this be a huge mistake? Perhaps we should re-test?"

He called in a script for Niaspan, and I found this page which scares me half to death. Oh, and Niaspan costs $40 *with* the copay.

More later, time to go to work.

2008-04-07T20:24:00.000-05:00

Speechless.

2008-04-07T11:01:00.001-05:00

I found this video at CuteOverload, and just had to share. It's really quite witty!

2008-04-06T11:08:00.003-05:00

Much better today

Nothing like an old-fashioned awfulizing session to get one's attention, eh? Yes, yesterday sucked, but today is better (think: coffee and donuts for breakfast - wheeeee!)

This morning I noticed that Slade had a new post up (HIGHLY recommended), and I sent him the below comment privately.

Hi Slade,
I didn't want to post a "yeah, me too!" comment to your "shaking the hell right out of it" post, but - yeah, absolutely.

Interestingly enough, in my email circle of friends we are talking about this very thing (and the movie Zeitgeist, which is a better made Esoteric Agenda). I've sent my circle a link to this post, and I'm sure that it will provoke even more discussion.

Thanks for your work, and the backstory to this blog. As for me, I did the outrage thing from 2000-2007 (dailykos, talkingpointsmemo, dependable renegade, iblamethepatriarchy, etc), and now as I'm beginning my acupuncture practice, I feel that I simply cannot continue that kind of reading.

Indeed, I've done the moral outrage thing over and over - there is so much to be outraged about! - but frankly it does nothing to change anything, save pinging my cortisol levels and deep-sixing my adrenals. (same with the sugar/caffeine breakfast, but I digress...).

I'm looking for my own solution to the problems evidenced in our culture. Even though the "hundredth monkey" effect does not exist per se, I am a firm believer in our ability to change our reality by changing our thoughts, as well as the ability to effect others' reality by positive expectations of them, as well as being a positive example for them. We are delicate creatures, and we are powerful beyond belief. That is a juicy paradox, IMO.

2008-04-05T15:55:00.005-05:00

Have you ever done something so unbelievably STUPID that you cannot begin to forgive yourself for it?

I did something like that today. No, I'm not going to write about it here, because I would DIE of embarrassment. Let's just say that right now I have zero self-confidence, and wish the earth would open up so I could just disappear. This is one for PostSecret.

It's likely that I will feel horrible until I have a chance to apologize. I hate knowing that someone thinks that I'm a bad person because I did something really dumb.

:\

2008-04-04T14:19:00.003-05:00

DISGUSTING.

I cannot believe how awful some people are to their poodles. They are all hideous, but poor #3 has to have his head held up for him - and #1, 3, and 4 have their tails tucked, they are not happy. And mercy, look at the breasts on groomer #4. M.E.R.C.Y.

Believe me, poodles *know* how good they look after they've been groomed. They prance around, because the results are so nice (besides, the ordeal is OVAH!).

These poor dogs look severely depressed, it's no wonder. Those women need to GET. A. LIFE. and stop taking their insanity out on their dogs.

Just awful. Hideous. Sic PETA on 'em!!

2008-03-29T21:29:00.004-05:00

Be very VERY afraid!!!

Okay. I surfed over to Slade's blog, and watched the movie here tonight. Here's the response I left on Slade's site.
Well. That was interesting. Two hours later, thanks for the link, I think. ;) ;) What a way to spend a Saturday night. I think I need a nice hot bath after that!

I thought that it was incredibly poorly put together. I'm still not sure if they were saying that pagan practices are bad, or being used to bad ends, but still good... or something that the Elites have kept for themselves (obviously the guy never met a Wiccan). It felt like they simply threw every conspiracy theory together with every new age idea, put it in a mixer, and spiced it up with that autopsy pic of John Kennedy (which I'd never seen, and now wish I never had).

It's not like I don't have a decent handle on 2012 (via the books of Barbara Hand Clow), but the mentions of the Mayan calendar were just that - as though the creator thought "oh, I'd better throw in some 2012, just for fun". I didn't see the reason for that, except to link to all the Elites references to laws that will come into effect in .... 2012! Woo! (but if you listen to Carl Johann Calleman, it's Oct of 2011, anyway).

The whole section on how every president can be traced back to the Bilderbergers (or whoever) was completely without any proof - are we supposed to unthinkingly swallow that, or what? And we are owned by the UK? Huh? In this New Financial Age, we certainly are wedded at the hip to the UK and the EU and all the rest (so much so that the recent news rumble is that the almighty pound may be in for a ... are you ready? ... pounding (sorry for the pun - NOT) due to the average UKer's debt which is supposedly even bigger than us poor suckers in the US.

As someone who is very aware that this is the only habitable planet we've got, I found the wholesale condemnation of environmentalism to be shortsighted - even if it's part of the "Elite's" agenda. I've read enough to know that androgenic climate change can be questioned without losing one's sanity (or burning one's ACLU card), but REALLY. And there *are* too many of us for the carrying capacity of the planet. (you can tell that I have no children, right?) Not that I'm advocating genocide, at all.

When I got to the end and the footnotes, I noted that many of the websites/books listed are of questionable validity - while the other half were seemingly valid. I heart Alex Jones greatly, but rense.com? And even Alex is overly-alarmist and full of himself at times.

I found the whole message of the movie to be FEAR FEAR FEAR, with the hairpin 180 degree whiplash turn at the end - it's all about LOVE. WTF? There was no preparation for that, and going from light's interaction with DNA to Love in the last couple of minutes of the movie (all the while quoting the discredited 100th monkey theory) as some sort of solution to all the FEAR FEAR FEAR of the first hour and 50 minutes seemed to me shallow, empty and hollow. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with all that information - and to me, that's the problem with all the conspiracy theorists. It's all very interesting, but this Virgo always begs the question: So? (sorry for sounding like Darth Cheney). Now what? My vibrations are going to be raised come hell or high water on the solstice in 2012 (if I'm ready for it, otherwise I... what? won't survive? Will melt like the Wicked Witch of the West?), and that will be the answer to the Codex Alimentarius and the re-settlement of 99% of the US population? (so that's what all those secret detention facilities are for!!)

As I heard in a seminar yesterday - there are 2 basic human emotions: love and fear. By choosing one or the other you determine your destiny. Over the years I've done a pretty good job of choosing fear - but the fact that I can look at this video and shrug my shoulders tells me that I've had rather enough of THAT for this lifetime.

ETA: my friend Keera has a very good post on this same video.

2008-03-29T10:55:00.003-05:00

Wise, or completely batshit crazy?

Yesterday I attended the first day of the Southwest Symposium - attending things like this is the way health care professionals get their CEUs (Continuing Education Units). It's supposedly a way to keep up with things in the profession - but it's often just a waste of an afternoon. That being said, you get out of it what you put into it.

I had planned to attend a seminar on the herbal treatment of menopause, but instead I opted for Mikio Sankey's Esoteric Acupuncture seminar. As it turns out, what he's come up with are acupuncture protocols that ... well ... I'm not sure exactly what they do. Balance the chakras, illuminate the mind, something like that. He came up with the protocols by channeling, and they combine acupuncture with sacred geometry, kaballah (my least favorite esoteric system EVER), Hindu thought and mysticism, and other stuff that I can't remember right now. His seminar was a stream-of-consciousness ramble, given some form by his use of the overhead projector.

More charitably, he was brimful of information that he wanted to share - everything from the basis behind his protocols, to his patients' experiences with a parasite cleanse that he uses (oh dear. completely gross stories!!!), to how important it is to avoid non-organic foods (esp. GMO), and how carpal tunnel isn't caused by repetitive motion, but by the electromagnetic radiation from computers (based on anecdotes of how folks who used regular typewriters never got CTS) etc etc etc.

I went from interested and focused to overwhelmed to snarky to interested again (lather:rinse:repeat) over the whole afternoon.

He had brought some beautiful quartz crystal pendulums, and I got one of those - it's a wonderful pendulum - he uses them to determine if someone's chakras are balanced or not.

I have to admit, I am very skeptical of channeled stuff... and all of his stuff is channeled.

I also heard a couple of lectures by Paul Pitchford, and both he and Mikio were all over the vegetarian diet as being the healthiest. This doesn't jive with all I've learned about the problems with high-carb, low-fat, low-protein diets - I'm a dedicated omnivore. While part of me wonders if they are right (along with generations of Hindus and Asians), the other part of me remembers my Germanic/Slavic/N.American roots, and says that I've evolved to need more animal products. Perhaps I'm just stubborn (or unenlightened)...

No. That's not the case - I'm reminded of the stomach ache I got after eating the vegetarian lunch, which had too much in the way of spices for my GI tract to handle. I know what my body craves, and what works for me. Plain foods, a good balance of meats, cheeses, veggies, fruits with less wheat and simple carbs - I feel the happiest and best with that kind of diet. I should mention that Irish Oatmeal starts my day in a fiberlicious way! ;)

2008-03-24T13:03:00.002-05:00

SSRI redux

It's been a while since I've written about my "brain drug" experiences. To recap, I've been on some kind of SSRI since 1994: Paxil, Effexor (may it be DAMNED), and Celexa. In addition, I take Trazodone/Deseryl at night to help me sleep.

This past December I started to realize that things weren't working out in the meds department. I was having to add Ativan (for anxiety), but I was still scared, having some dizziness, and was pretty depressed. In January I started to switch to Wellbutrin, and for a while had good results on 150 mg WB, with 10 mg Celexa/Trazodone at night. I had been having some late afternoon tremors in my hands, and about 5 days ago I decided to just forgo my afternoon 75mg WB dose. I felt great that day... but like hell the next afternoon. I decided to go back to both doses on the third day - but by the third day I felt so good that I decided to just tough it out and see what happens. By now I'm noticing that the shakes seem to be from one or two things: too much caffeine (which for me is a cup of coffee + two glasses of iced tea or soda in a day), forgetting to eat at noon (when I'm home and off schedule this happens), or the WB.

The interesting thing is that after reducing the WB dose I'm not needing so much Ativan for anxiety. We'll see how things go when I'm back up to speed work-wise.

On today's to-do list:
MD appt - DONE
bank - DONE
post office
grocery store
straighten up house
dog for rabies shot @ 3pm
dog class @ 7pm.

oopsie. I'd better get with it - it's already after one pm!

2008-03-20T21:39:00.002-05:00

What's going on?

Last time I mentioned that I was communicating with the ex, and I had some insight into why. I promised you a post on that - here it is.

My mother (who I love) has been a rage-aholic, bi-polar (mostly depressive), and a very emotionally distraught person her whole life. Now that I'm 50 and she's correctly medicated I have finally learned to have boundaries with her "bad days". In fact, I can help her through some of the stuff she's feeling. But her outrageous behavior during my childhood was what I considered normal - that it was normal to have someone you love yell at you and say awful things to you, and that they still loved you.

Oh, I forgot. I was also raised as a good Christian girl, and "turn the other cheek" and "forgive and forget" were really big in that church (must've been a LOT of unseemly stuff going on behind the scenes, eh?), rather than "be wise as serpents and innocent as doves".

Fast forward to last week. The ex and I were communicating a bit on a popular online community, and I was thinking about the fact that we were. A year ago he was saying god-awful things to me in emails - things that burned up every last bit of good will that he might have built up with anyone who is associated with me (except, it appears, with me). I was told in no uncertain terms that he was an asshole or worse, and to just write it all off as one of those learning experiences that we all choose to have.

But I'm talking to him.

[heh. he just sent me a funny email]

So I'm standing back and looking at this behavior: just *why* am I talking to him?
Because I've "forgiven" him?
Because how he treated me in the past has been forgotten, like so much of the awful stuff that happened when I was young?
Because, deep down inside, it doesn't matter to me how someone treats me, I'll always come back for more?
Because I enjoy the back and forth with him (since it *was* the best part of the relationship), and can handle that without becoming re-attached?

Or that seeing him sign stuff to me "xxoo" gives me a wee bit of schadenfreude that he still cares, when I have moved on?

Above I said that I had some insight into all this. I think the answer to that is "some". I'm looking at it and seeing it more clearly, but I certainly do not have an answer for my behavior.

2008-03-19T11:30:00.002-05:00

Very busy, raining mud + anniversary

Over the weekend I decided to sell another load of tarot decks on Aeclectic tarot, and that can take amazing loads of time to negotiate. Between having Adobe Acrobat refusing to link up with Firefox so I could print out shipping labels with postage (this required uninstalling and re-downloading and installing Adobe!), and trying to figure out just how much shipping to Sweden or the UK was going to cost, and waiting to hear from folks, and after they pay with paypal, trying to connect who's who... sheesh! (that is, folks use nicknames on AT, but they don't at paypal. Sometimes they don't indicate which decks they are buying on the email from paypal... it's all so CONFUSING!)

Yesterday we had really weird weather - very windy with rainstorms - DFW was completely shut down for hours, so glad I wasn't trying to fly anywhere. I was inside a good part of the day, and when I went out in the evening, I was horrified to see that my car was plastered in reddish mud! WTF? I was heading out to meet some friends, and had to go by a gas station to clean off ALL the windows. My car (a sedate sedan) looked like I'd taken it off-road for a week.

It turns out that most everyone's vehicles looked like that, it even made the news. Evidently what happened was that the heavy winds yesterday were blowing dust from the north, and when it rained, the rain carried the dust down with it. So thank heavens for the rain, because otherwise we would have all been breathing sand. :o

As far as the anniversary - it passed before I even realized it. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the phone call that ended my seven-year relationship. At this point we're back to emailing from time to time - never anything personal, usually politics (his fav subject). I've given some thought as to why I didn't just cut the relationship off completely (since it was so AWFUL during the breakup), and I think I'll write about that later. For now, I feel no sorrow.

2008-03-16T10:34:00.002-05:00

OMG I love it!

Not sure about the ad at the end, but the rest is PRICELESS. :D :D :D

2008-03-16T00:37:00.004-05:00

End of an Era?

I guess it's time. I've been fooling around with tarot decks for about 10 years. I've owned literally 100s in this time - I guess that it was easier to keep looking for "the one" rather than just studying what I already had.

I've already had a significant "deck purge", but this coming week I'm going to have a 50 deck + book sellapalooza - and I already feel better. It's time for me to stop spending time studying something that doesn't help me in my life - time to spring clean for my mind, so I can get back to studying acupuncture and herbal medicine.

I haven't had any regrets of the decks I sold in the fall... and I'm looking at these and thinking "if I never see this again, would it matter?" And honestly speaking, with the internet, I can see various card images all over the intertubes if I like.

Another thought that I've been having is that because of the impending recession, it may well be easier to sell these decks now, than later. And I need the money now, too! :)

That being said, I'm sleeping on this, and probably won't post my list until Monday

2008-03-09T15:36:00.002-05:00

Change of Plans

My original thought was that I would be on my way to CO by now - heck, more than halfway to Roswell, NM - on my first leg of my drive to visit my parents.

Then last week I spent some quality time with my bank accounts, as well as my business books. Taking into consideration the $500 loss from my beloved K9's bout with antifreeze on the 29th, I realized that I didn't have another $500 to spend on gas and motel for this trip. When I consider that my business, while up and running, is not yet firing on all cylinders, and my other employment is the symphony (who's finances were so bad 5 years ago that they sustained a bankruptcy), and the likelihood that the US is heading in to a recession (best case) or a depression (yikes), I decided that it would be better to stay put, make a bit of money treating folks, finish my taxes (which I haven't started yet), and clean up the house.

I'm very sad about not being able to go on this trip, but I am satisfied by my reasoning. I also feel that remaining home was the smart decision. That being said, I can hear that my Dad is getting older by the sound of his voice (he's 78), and I miss being with him and my Mom.

Hopefully things will have looked up by April, and I can take a bit of time to go up there. I wish I could use the domestic frequent flyer miles I have saved up, but I need those to get to the Toyohari National Training in Seattle in Oct. (so nice to have an excuse to travel there again!)

2008-03-05T17:19:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I feel like this...

Then I remember (as Cute Overload says) - just remember that you actually run things, puppeh!

2008-03-05T09:10:00.002-06:00

Crosswinds

I'd say that trying to land an Airbus in a storm with 150 mph crosswinds is not a good idea. The plane landed safely later - all aboard were safe, if not shaken. Thank God the wing didn't come off when it scraped the ground! Whew!

2008-03-03T18:30:00.001-06:00

'Nuff said:

2008-03-03T13:03:00.003-06:00

What the??

I do much of my banking online, and the other day when I checked my accounts, there was a second Visa card listed! And it had a balance! What the heck? So I called (yes, on Sunday - my bank has 24 hour customer service) they said that they canceled my other account due to some kind of fraud alert, and are in the process of transferring the latest transactions from the old one to the new one. I'll get a new card sometime this week.

I'm unhappy about all this, because I download my transactions directly into Quicken, and now I can't do that, because it will foul everything up until they're done. Oh, and I can still use my old credit card for 21 days - but if I do, it will just delay how soon I can download my transactions.

Okay, so I'll need to use another card. But I designated my Mastercard as the medical card - and I don't want to use it for anything else. Scratch that. What about Discover? Where the heck did I put my Discover card? I wasn't carrying it, because I was carrying a balance (pun alert!) and I didn't want to use it. But I couldn't find it, so I called Discover to pay it off and cancel it. Which means that I didn't *have* an extra card to use (I only have 3 Credit cards). I do have a debit card - BUT after paying off the Discover, paying rent, and paying off something else (can't remember what offhand), I didn't *want* to do any debiting!

Then this morning, I get a letter via DHL. Holy shit, am I being sued? Or is it from the IRS for some reason?? I'm rather freaking out... until I realize that it's my NEW DISCOVER CARD.

Whew. Now if I could just figure out why Paypal put a hold on my funds, then paid for something I bought online with a transfer from my checking account, and still hasn't released that hold. ::grumble::

2008-03-01T19:43:00.002-06:00

R.I.P. Blossom? NOT.

Let me tell you about my Friday.

I woke up around 8:30 with a headache, and as I didn't need to be anywhere until 1:30pm, went back to sleep. I woke up again an hour or so later, pulled on some clothes, and took the dog out for her morning constitutional.

I was rather perturbed to see how much random K9 poop was lying around - we're supposed to clean up after our dogs, but many of the large dogs' owners obviously think that doesn't apply to them. Harrumph! Since I had some extra poop bags on me, I went ahead and cleaned up after a couple of them. In consequence, after the walk I stopped by the poop bag dispenser to pick up another couple of bags. In the process, I turned my back on Blossom...

.. only to see her avidly licking up whatever was in that puddle on the asphalt, where cars are parked. She never pays any mind to the puddles on the asphalt, and the first thing I thought of was antifreeze - which is very sweet and very attractive to dogs and cats.

I went into freakout mode, and after a couple of phone calls, took her to the Emergency Pet Center, after brushing my teeth, washing my face, changing clothes, and grabbing a piece of bread with jelly for my breakfast.

Ms. B was so excited! We were going to GO!! If she only knew.

It only took 8-9 minutes to get there, and I had called them, so they knew we were coming. The on call vet went into full emergency mode, and hooked poor Ms. B up to an IV, and gave her something to make her vomit. Poor baby! After a while, they had to give her something to *stop* the vomiting. Imagine what that would feel like.

The estimate for the bill (including $480 for the antifreeze antidote) came to over $1100. It broke my heart when they asked me if they should do CPR, if it came to that. Of course, I said.

I waited around for a while until they got her stabilized from the vomiting, and wasn't able to keep it together. I was a blubbering mess who'd forgotten to put tissues in her purse the night before. I was heartened to hear that the initial blood test to check if the antifreeze was in her bloodstream was negative - and I was hoping that perhaps all this was a false alarm. Eventually I went back to say goodbye to her, as they needed to keep her and administer the antidote, and I had a rehearsal to get to. And I had to *run* home, cook something to eat pronto, and have my colleague who carpools with me pick me up to go to the rehearsal, because I was running too much behind to pick *her* up. I was not in good form - not after crying for so long - and was *very* grateful that my friend was able to drive. As we drove we reminisced how we'd each been there for the other when our various pets had passed on - my Geno, and several of her cats over the years.

To make a long story shorter (aren't you glad?), at about 3pm they had the results of the second blood test, which an offsite toxicologist said would indicate if she'd gotten a toxic dose - and the test was negative. YAY!! My dear doggie wasn't going to die of kidney failure! And when I got there to pick her up there was more good news, as they had cut the bill in 1/2 (since it was based on more comprehensive care + an overnight stay) - it came to just under $600.

I'll never know what got into her to drink from that nasty water - and I'll never know if there was antifreeze in it, or not. Even if she didn't get anything lethal in her, I am glad that I spent the money. I also learned something - I'm closer to this dog than I ever was to my beloved Geno - and whenever something happens to her (which it undoubtedly will) I will be non-functional for a long, long time.

2008-02-27T20:35:00.001-06:00

Delay

Just when I decide to blog, Blogger decides to take 10 (15?) minutes to update. grump.

I am in a much better space the past several days. It probably has to do with the end of my hellacious February schedule, and the beginning of a completely lazy (symphony-wise) March. Sunday and Monday I was lazing around (though I did get some things done) - then yesterday and today I got a *lot* accomplished (dog groomed, Quicken close to updated, some house cleaning/throwing stuff AWAY - wheeeeeEEEEeee!) ahem. Pardon my enthusiasm.
The dog looks better than she ever has... I may be finally figuring out how to use the clippers + scissors on her legs to make her look good. :)

I can tell that there's lots more throwing away that needs to happen (and soon!), because I've been buying some books, which I have no place for currently. Perhaps I need to get rid of the ones that I'm not going to ever read? That sounds like a good thing, eh? ;)

The weather has been a bit unsettled - v. windy 2 days ago, and today much calmer, no clouds, very dry and cooler. Thank heavens the sun still feels warm.

Tomorrow I have things scheduled to do that require me to leave the house (!) - I stay in way too much, I think - and my day starts early. It's not quite 9pm, but I think I'm going to slowly get ready for bed.

2008-02-15T17:04:00.003-06:00

A Relaxing day

I'm doing much better, thanks to several days of at least 8 hours of sleep. It has served as a wakeup call - it's time for me to take my sleep much more seriously. Someone (I believe it was my mom??) said that Dr. Christiane Northrup mentioned on Oprah that we need 8 hours per night minimum, every night. On this page she talks about specific peri- and menopausal insomnia problems, but a cursory scan doesn't mention the above stat.

So - more sleep = a happier Sravana

I also had a phone session on Tuesday with my "guru", who never fails to get me in a better head space. Not only that, but I've stabilized the changes I was making in my meds, exploring how to manage myself on Wellbutrin. (There has been some annoying tachycardia and dry mouth, but that has abated with a more well-spaced dosing schedule).

I've been accident-prone today, and wouldn't you know it, Uranus is approaching the last opposition to Mars on March 7 - I'll be really glad when that's over. First I bumped my knee really hard on the coffee table, then we had Major Excitement when bathing the dog - I was almost finished rinsing her when the nozzle to the sprayer head came off in my hand, and water went EVERYWHERE. Scared her half to death. They say that things come in threes, so I'll be extra careful on my commute to work tonight.

I had other things on the agenda for today (like exercising!) but that's not going to happen, as I've run out of time.

2008-02-07T20:08:00.000-06:00

Exhaustion

I'm so tired today that I'm almost afraid. I don't know if it's a side effect of changing my anti-depressant meds, or rebound from the funeral, or what.

Rehearsal was almost impossible today, and I don't want to get into that. Let's just say that I went for a 10-minute walk at the break of the first rehearsal, to try to clear my head. It didn't particularly work. I was playing just fine, but felt at the end of my rope.

Since I've been home I've done nothing but eat, sit, read, and spend some time websurfing... until just now when I realized that I was just marking time until I could go to bed, so I'm going to post this, walk the dog one last time, and be asleep by 9pm, hopefully.

My parents are coming tomorrow, and will be staying for a few days. I'm completely not ready to have them and their 2 dogs in my space, particularly since they don't sleep in. Next week is non-stop as well.

A couple of days ago I asked the Greenwood tarot about a similar feeling that I was having - and I got Death, the 4 of Swords (rest) and the 8 of swords (insecurity). Not a lot of hope in that, eh?

2008-02-06T18:53:00.000-06:00

Metabolic Syndrome and me

... or not.

Today I stopped by the local grocery store to pick up my Wellbutrin, and decided to check my blood pressure. I've been clocking in at the "pre-hypertension" range (121-139 over 81-89) when my intern has checked my bp, and today was no exception. I checked it 3 times, and while the systolic averaged to 125, the diastolic averaged to 83. I am not happy with those numbers, as my usual bp over the years has been 100/59-72 or so. Note: I had drunk some coffee within an hour of checking my bp, and I know that it raises it some. But still, I'm not happy with these numbers!

The last time I had my FBS checked, it was in the high 90s - with 100-125 being pre-diabetes. At the same time we checked my cholesterol, and it was on the high side.

This afternoon I was meditating on this as I took the K9 for a walk, and I thought about Metabolic Syndrome and me (incidentally, there's an article in the NYTimes that states that ONE can of DIET soda per day increases your chances of getting Metabolic Syndrome **34%**). After perusing the above linked Wikipedia page, I realize that I don't have Metabolic Syndrome - but I do have some troubling numbers on these various tests of my body's health. And I set the blame for all this squarely at my feet.

I have no family history of either diabetes or hypertension, but do in the case of high cholesterol. I have been, however, a sedentary stress monkey - which is the worst kind of stress monkey one can be. I've also had a terrible diet for years, and had gained weight which put me in the "overweight" column on the BMI charts. (I know that BMI charts are not accurate for some body types - think extremely athletic - but I think they're accurate for me) I'm 50, and things are GOING to change.

I'm now down about 8.5 pounds from my heaviest last summer, and since I've been on Wellbutrin I've been very aware that my shape is changing. I've changed my diet, mostly due to financial issues - I can't afford fast food (actually, I can't afford it for any reason any more!) - and I'm enjoying learning to cook for myself again. I'm off sugar to a large extent (bit o' honey in the tea from time to time), and now I'm realizing that I need to minimize my exposure to caffeine and sodium. I've been using "Classico" pasta sauces for a while - I guess it's time to start making my own pasta sauce (which I don't use on pasta - I use it with vegetables!)

These changes are fairly easy for me, but the hardest one BY FAR is breaking the sedentary habits I've been in for so long. I don't enjoy exercising at all, but if I stick to it, I probably will like the results. Of course, because of my osteopenia I *have* to start exercising, to strengthen my bones.

I did the best I could the last 4 years in school - basically continuing the habits I had from before: not eating well, not exercising - but the added stress of school and after graduating has definitely hurt my health, and if things don't change, will shorten my life. I'm determined to not be a victim of my own laziness, however.

2008-02-04T15:06:00.000-06:00

Enough

I've decided to dump 365Blog or Blog365, or whatever it is. I've been putting up a few sentences every day, and frankly filling the blog with dreck. No more. I will blog frequently, but certainly not daily any more. I think this has diluted whatever good the blog was for, and turned it into a whiny bitch-fest.

Certainly the past weeks have been stressful. But I mean REALLY. Enough! I never meant this blog to turn into an online diary of my minor aches and pains. Basta! I have a journal on my PC, which I will be using much more frequently.